Wednesday, October 29, 2008
ok so i have the most confusing boy on the planet in my life. yesterday at lunchtime he texts me "tell me a joke. i'm in a bad mood today" so i did and we texted a bunch, he said he was feeling real irritable since sunday, so i offered to come give him a hug. and randomly after declining, he asks what time i get out of work and invites me over! so i did. because i'm obviously insane. we cuddled a lot, it was amazing. we talked a lot about stuff, i told him about work drama and he really made me feel a lot better about the situation. we ate some food, he played guitar a bunch, we watched billy budd. so all this cuddling and not one kiss, AGAIN. so confusing. seriously, we were totally cuddling like lovers, and i don't understand how it could not mean something to him. we have so much fun together, we laugh, we soothe each other. he turned to me to cheer him up when he was down. i don't get how i could just be a body supplying closeness to him. i refuse to believe it. he loves me, he just doesn't know it yet.
i'm starving. this annoys me because it's 11:23.
and i'm going to bed.
i'm starving. this annoys me because it's 11:23.
and i'm going to bed.
Monday, October 20, 2008
i'm crazy for you, touch me once and you'll know it's true
i've never wanted anyone like this, it's all brand new
you'll feel it in my kiss..
i'm crazy for you
madonna
i've never wanted anyone like this, it's all brand new
you'll feel it in my kiss..
i'm crazy for you
madonna
madonna is recently divorced, i guess. her song is awesome though! and it WILL be my wedding song. WHEN I MARRY STEVE!
ok, so i'm insane, but really.. all i can say is that he is the most amazing man on the planet, and if yesterday didn't have a deeper meaning than that he was being friendly, then he's a world-class torturer. here's what happened: he got here at 11:15 in lounge gear carrying two huge bags full of stuff. he had both of my newspapers, lots of homemade potato leek soup (with a package of thyme for garnish! he brought GARNISH!), aaaand... a whole tray of baked ziti! for ME! so i wouldn't have to cook for a few days! so i started to make room in the fridge, and he was like "what are you doing?? i can take care of that. go get settled on the sofa." so i did, and he brought me a mucinex and a full glass of water to take it with. i got comfy on the couch with my puzzles and my cup of tea, and after a few minutes he joined me. i finished my tea and got up to put the mug in the sink, and he stopped me, took the mug and not only brought it to the sink, but WASHED IT as well. ok, so he comes back and i put on this mix cd i made last week that i'm sort of obsessed with. it started with starflyer 59 and he was psyched. it also has "how soon is now?" (the smiths), "when doves cry" (prince.. my fav lyrics are "animals strike curious poses" and "you got the butterflies all tied up.. don't make me chase you") and "never gonna give you up" (rick astley!). so when that came on, i put on the video and we laughed hysterically at rick's denim on denim ensemble and his godawful dancing skills.. or lack thereof. he definitely was leg cuddling with me, his feet were in my space and it felt like old times, us on sunday, doing our puzzles, being so perfect....... ok, so the cd ended, and he heated the soup (it was SO GOOD). we put on the giants game and continued our puzzles. he wouldn't let me even get up to at halftime he asked if i wanted to watch this david cross dvd he had brought with him. he said it was going to be hilarious. it, however, turned out to be a tour diary and somewhat lame. we laid together on the couch watching it.. it was so nice, i could smell him and i never wanted to move again. about halfway through the dvd he got tired of it bc it wasn't as funny as he'd thought and he turned it off. he decided he was ready for a nap and was laying on the couch with me but on opposite ends. i couldn't get comfortable, so we moved to my bed. he fell asleep immediately. after about an hour of me pretending to sleep, he rolled over and spooned me so nice. when we "woke up" (well, me at least, since i didn't nap at all), he rolled onto me all cute like he used to. i think i could have died right then and there, and i'd have been ok. seriously. so he got up and put the ziti in the oven, and then he came back to bed. we cuddled a lot more and we laughed a lot. he thinks i'm too skinny. he told me about how much he loves to eat the fat on the meat (ew) and he was so excited. we laughed about married..with children, we laughed about ALF, we just laughed and laughed. and then we were laying there, facing each other in each others arms, he had his face on top of my face.. and he never kissed me. maybe bc i was sick? maybe bc he didn't want to? i don't know. but finally we got up and ate.. he wouldn't let me help at all, and when i finished, he took my plate and loaded the dishwasher. we watched some of the jets game, and then it was 7 and he said he ought to be heading out.. so i walked him to his car, and he gave me a hug. i told him that i was really appreciative of everything he'd done for me, that no one had ever done anything like that for me before, no one had ever taken care of me before... and he said "well i'm not everyone else." so i said "that's right, yr awesome" and he was like "nah" and i said, "i'm going with yes" and he got sheepish and said "ok" in a really cute voice. we hugged again, and then he was gone. later, he texted me to let me know he got home ok and i said again how grateful i was for everything, and that he had really made me feel special. he wrote "no problem. my pleasure." so i don't know. why do all this for me? why be the most amazing man ever without wanting to be with me? does he want to try again? does he miss me? is he just being a good friend? but you don't do that for someone you know has feelings for you.. i wouldn't do that for mike, it would be leading him on.. i don't know. i'm so in love with him, and i'm so jealous of how great he is, and how i can't have that as a permanent part of my existence. i need him. i need to have that. today i texted him and i wrote "i'm feeling SO much better today! maybe i just needed some tlc ha. i had some more of the soup before, too, yr the best!" and he responded "yeah, a little tlc can go a long way. you deserve it. glad yr feeling better." i deserve it? i don't know. i want to cry. i want him. i want him so bad.
he left his cassarole dish here.
november 1. i'm going to attempt to see him then. make him dinner for his birthday. buy him a nice fatty ribeye (which he will have to cook! but he doesn't buy steak anymore to save money, so it's the thought....), make some amazing mashed potatoes...
i'll make you love me, jones. if it kills me.
ok, so i'm insane, but really.. all i can say is that he is the most amazing man on the planet, and if yesterday didn't have a deeper meaning than that he was being friendly, then he's a world-class torturer. here's what happened: he got here at 11:15 in lounge gear carrying two huge bags full of stuff. he had both of my newspapers, lots of homemade potato leek soup (with a package of thyme for garnish! he brought GARNISH!), aaaand... a whole tray of baked ziti! for ME! so i wouldn't have to cook for a few days! so i started to make room in the fridge, and he was like "what are you doing?? i can take care of that. go get settled on the sofa." so i did, and he brought me a mucinex and a full glass of water to take it with. i got comfy on the couch with my puzzles and my cup of tea, and after a few minutes he joined me. i finished my tea and got up to put the mug in the sink, and he stopped me, took the mug and not only brought it to the sink, but WASHED IT as well. ok, so he comes back and i put on this mix cd i made last week that i'm sort of obsessed with. it started with starflyer 59 and he was psyched. it also has "how soon is now?" (the smiths), "when doves cry" (prince.. my fav lyrics are "animals strike curious poses" and "you got the butterflies all tied up.. don't make me chase you") and "never gonna give you up" (rick astley!). so when that came on, i put on the video and we laughed hysterically at rick's denim on denim ensemble and his godawful dancing skills.. or lack thereof. he definitely was leg cuddling with me, his feet were in my space and it felt like old times, us on sunday, doing our puzzles, being so perfect....... ok, so the cd ended, and he heated the soup (it was SO GOOD). we put on the giants game and continued our puzzles. he wouldn't let me even get up to at halftime he asked if i wanted to watch this david cross dvd he had brought with him. he said it was going to be hilarious. it, however, turned out to be a tour diary and somewhat lame. we laid together on the couch watching it.. it was so nice, i could smell him and i never wanted to move again. about halfway through the dvd he got tired of it bc it wasn't as funny as he'd thought and he turned it off. he decided he was ready for a nap and was laying on the couch with me but on opposite ends. i couldn't get comfortable, so we moved to my bed. he fell asleep immediately. after about an hour of me pretending to sleep, he rolled over and spooned me so nice. when we "woke up" (well, me at least, since i didn't nap at all), he rolled onto me all cute like he used to. i think i could have died right then and there, and i'd have been ok. seriously. so he got up and put the ziti in the oven, and then he came back to bed. we cuddled a lot more and we laughed a lot. he thinks i'm too skinny. he told me about how much he loves to eat the fat on the meat (ew) and he was so excited. we laughed about married..with children, we laughed about ALF, we just laughed and laughed. and then we were laying there, facing each other in each others arms, he had his face on top of my face.. and he never kissed me. maybe bc i was sick? maybe bc he didn't want to? i don't know. but finally we got up and ate.. he wouldn't let me help at all, and when i finished, he took my plate and loaded the dishwasher. we watched some of the jets game, and then it was 7 and he said he ought to be heading out.. so i walked him to his car, and he gave me a hug. i told him that i was really appreciative of everything he'd done for me, that no one had ever done anything like that for me before, no one had ever taken care of me before... and he said "well i'm not everyone else." so i said "that's right, yr awesome" and he was like "nah" and i said, "i'm going with yes" and he got sheepish and said "ok" in a really cute voice. we hugged again, and then he was gone. later, he texted me to let me know he got home ok and i said again how grateful i was for everything, and that he had really made me feel special. he wrote "no problem. my pleasure." so i don't know. why do all this for me? why be the most amazing man ever without wanting to be with me? does he want to try again? does he miss me? is he just being a good friend? but you don't do that for someone you know has feelings for you.. i wouldn't do that for mike, it would be leading him on.. i don't know. i'm so in love with him, and i'm so jealous of how great he is, and how i can't have that as a permanent part of my existence. i need him. i need to have that. today i texted him and i wrote "i'm feeling SO much better today! maybe i just needed some tlc ha. i had some more of the soup before, too, yr the best!" and he responded "yeah, a little tlc can go a long way. you deserve it. glad yr feeling better." i deserve it? i don't know. i want to cry. i want him. i want him so bad.
he left his cassarole dish here.
november 1. i'm going to attempt to see him then. make him dinner for his birthday. buy him a nice fatty ribeye (which he will have to cook! but he doesn't buy steak anymore to save money, so it's the thought....), make some amazing mashed potatoes...
i'll make you love me, jones. if it kills me.
Friday, October 17, 2008
i want you back
the honorary title
never been so eager, not to this extent
can't imagine leaving, i'm comfortably obsessed
it seems misleading, such a far stretch
but i mean every word i've said
the honorary title
ok. so i'm sort of bugging out. why, oh why, you ask? because a certain MAN OF MY DREAMS has invited himself over to my apartment on sunday. note: invited himself. not me. him. this is what happened: i texted him to tell him that smashing pumpkins are playing some shows next month and it's supposed to be like old stuff for their 20th anniversary. so he responded saying he had heard, and wasn't going. i didn't plan to go, either, i saw them in 1996 when they were playing those songs, too ha. anyway, he asked how i'm enjoying the book he lent me, brighton rock by graham greene. i said i liked it so far, but was only on page 85 bc i've been super sick all week. long story short, he asked if i needed anything, i said i didn't think so, he said he had just been looking at a recipe for potato leek soup, i said that's one of my favorites.. he said it looked easy, the hardest part would be getting it here, but that he could make it happen. so i was like "that's super sweet, but i don't want to ask you to come all the way here.. i'm so tempted though, i love potato leek!" and he said he could make it happen on sunday, that he was really sick last week and he knows how it is. then he even said he would stop and pick up the newspapers for me, so i don't have to leave the house! oh.my.god. WHY IS HE DOING THIS TO ME? those are the sweetest gestures. we haven't seen each other in a month. i'm dying here. literally, dying. i am so excited. it's absurd. i can't believe it. i gave him SO MANY chances to be like "well, i was just seeing" or "ok, just checking" instead of offering to make homemade soup and deliver it to me with my newspapers and everything. and he's bringing some comedy dvd. i don't understand. after all of our exchange of emails regarding the mike thing (did i talk about this? hope so..) and me saying that when he finds his definition of love in someone she's gonna be a very lucky girl, and then for him to do all this.. it makes me intensely jealous. because for him, i'm sure this is some bizarre friend thing, not him being the world's most perfect boyfriend. i want this. no one has EVER offered to bring me soup when i was sick, let alone cross state lines to bring me soup two days in the future. and the papers! oh my. i texted lindsay but she must be busy. i called my mom, but she was going to get a movie with helen. i don't really have any other friends to talk to i know lindsEy is out with work people, and heather is at a wedding that she is in.. obviously can't talk to tom or mike since they're in love with me for some bizarro reason. what i really want is to call my therapist, but something about that is unsettling to me. i'm certainly going to have plenty to talk about on monday! i could call katie. i actually might. i'm going crazy here. ok, dinner and jeopardy. OH! MY! GOD! i'm bursting here hahaha :D
xoxoxo
xoxoxo
Saturday, October 11, 2008
i feel must interject here you're getting
carried away feeling sorry for yourself
with these revisions and gaps in history
so let me help you remember.
i've made charts and graphs that should finally make it clear.
i've prepared a lecture on why i have to leave
so please back away and let me go
...
you've had yr chance so say goodbye.
say goodbye.
the postal service
carried away feeling sorry for yourself
with these revisions and gaps in history
so let me help you remember.
i've made charts and graphs that should finally make it clear.
i've prepared a lecture on why i have to leave
so please back away and let me go
...
you've had yr chance so say goodbye.
say goodbye.
the postal service
ugh.
so much to say but no motivation to say it. i don't know what i've already said. i did neglect to say that it was my blog's 5th birthday last month. sorry blog. happy belated birthday to you.
ok, so here's what's happened. i neglected to say, i think, that tom decided he had/has strong feelings for me, and wants to give us another shot. riiight. so, basically, you needed time to screw around and now that you got that out of yr system you want me back? sorry, i don't have those kind of feelings anymore. we went to a wedding together in like early september and it was awkward. i still get random late night texts from him that just say "i hate you". but he says the window is closing and he's returning to summer 2007 mentality, so oh well. good for him.
amazingly, i never talked about seeing steve three weeks ago. i think it was three weeks ago. maybe it was a month now. anyway, i saw him. i brought my crossword puzzle to nj and he solved it in the length of one 10,000 maniacs record. not bad. i sent it to the new york times almost two weeks ago but i haven't heard from them. i'm going with no news is good news for now. so yah, we watched the movei wilde which was sort of boring, and we both fell asleep before it ended. then it was like 1:23am and he asked if i wanted to stay, and i did, so i did. we kind of tangled our legs in the bed. i had a headache so he made me eat a granola bar and take aspirin. then we was sighing, so i asked what was wrong and he said "nothing" and i was like "ok, well besides nothing?" and he said he was finding it hard to lay in the bed with me without being physical.. so we kind of talked about it, agreed no one would have hurt feelings (meaning me), and got on with it. it was amazing to feel his skin against my skin, i felt like i was home, but i had to remind myself that home is not there with him, he doesn't feel at home with me, and that it was what it was. so it was fine. i woke up a lot through the night, and things were somewhat awkward the following day. i rubbed his back for him, and i left by 1pm. i think he was surprised i was leaving so early, but i wasn't sure if it was pleasantly. it might have been. i was sad and all afterward bc i really still think he's the one for me, but i'm not the one for him so what can i do? nothing. the future will be what it will be, and i'm not in control here. i have to let it be. and it will be something, i'm just not sure what. so anyway, he randomly texted me the following saturday to ask if i'd sent in the puzzle yet, and we exchanged a few messages. then he sent me some of his poetry and i sent him some of mine. then last friday he randomly texted me to ask if i was still in atlantic city (i was not, i had gone on tuesday! it's a one-night kinda place) and we exchanged a few more messages. i have no idea why he wanted to know if i was still in AC.. it made no sense because why would he care? did he want me to stop by? bleh i have no idea. so whatever. then last weekend we also were emailing on sunday bc i told him about what i'm going through with mike (i'll elaborate later) bc one of the poems i had written dealt with it. and he was trying to be helpful, but sometimes i think him patronizing. whatever, though. then today i texted him to tell him i'd be starting the book he lent me (a graham greene novel, his favorite) today and he's responded but in his own time, like the first response came 6 or 7 hours later, the second response over an hour later and no third response yet though my last message contained a question about a hermans hermits record. i'm basically over him, i'm not going to hold out forever for him to realize that we're right for each other, and i'm sure if he DID come around i would either a) drop whoever i was with or b) not have those feelings anymore, since it seems more like the chase is what i fall in love with. i don't feel intense pangs of jealousy thinking of him on a saturday night anymore, but i do compusively check his netflix queue to see if any of the movies are date flicks.
ok, so michael. jesus, this post is wayyy too long. ok, so two weeks ago mike was here watching tv as usual when i announced i might go to atlantic city the following tuesday since i had two days off for rosh hashanah. he asked who i was going with. having no answer, i said "i don't know, i just thought of it" and then i blurted out "you can come if you want" like an asshole. so of course he jumped on it. so we went to AC and had a lovely night drinking and winning money (i won $200 but really i lost $260 and then won $589! it was super exciting. i pissed the $89 into slots though ha). we went up to the room at like 4am and he started kissing me and i protested, reminded him about tina, etc and he was like "i'm not in love with her. i'm in love with someone else." it was awkward, he cried, and i did not budge on the issue. i reminded him i don't want to be with anyone (small lie, but mostly true bc who i want to be with doesn't want to be with me) and that i'm a disaster (true!). so he stopped crying and seemed to accept it. then we went to bed and he made moves and i didn't resist though i insisted that it meant nothing, it cannot give him hope, and he agreed. the next day he was sort of clingy and i was sort of irritated each time he touched me. then the next day he had to lend me his car and he came over and didn't leave for a while. which was annoying. then the following day he had to drive me to my dads to get the tahoe and he overstayed his welcome again after tv time. annoying again. then the following day we had plans to go into the city for candace's bday party and on the drive back he had his hand on my thigh the whole time. NOT COOL. but i couldn't start with him in the car, so i didn't protest. so tuesday i had to call him bc he had weed and i didn't, and he came over to watch the debate and he asked if he could stay over. i said i didn't think that was smart, and i said that if i was going to return to him, that i would do so in my own time and on my own terms. he seemed to understand that and left. he acted normal on thursday for tv night, staying on his own couch and that made me happy. i feel really bad about the whole situation, but he's holding on to a dream. that's why i chose the lyrics i used for this post. he keeps tearing out the sutres and he needs to stop. i'm not going to return. which makes me realize that it's very possible that steve will never return to me. so.. whatever. it's ok if i turn into the maiden aunt, or the crazy cat lady.
ok so i'm tired of typing now.
my little red squiggly lines are not appearing, which is making me sad. sorry for any typos to all the non-readers (or just irene)!
xoxo
so much to say but no motivation to say it. i don't know what i've already said. i did neglect to say that it was my blog's 5th birthday last month. sorry blog. happy belated birthday to you.
ok, so here's what's happened. i neglected to say, i think, that tom decided he had/has strong feelings for me, and wants to give us another shot. riiight. so, basically, you needed time to screw around and now that you got that out of yr system you want me back? sorry, i don't have those kind of feelings anymore. we went to a wedding together in like early september and it was awkward. i still get random late night texts from him that just say "i hate you". but he says the window is closing and he's returning to summer 2007 mentality, so oh well. good for him.
amazingly, i never talked about seeing steve three weeks ago. i think it was three weeks ago. maybe it was a month now. anyway, i saw him. i brought my crossword puzzle to nj and he solved it in the length of one 10,000 maniacs record. not bad. i sent it to the new york times almost two weeks ago but i haven't heard from them. i'm going with no news is good news for now. so yah, we watched the movei wilde which was sort of boring, and we both fell asleep before it ended. then it was like 1:23am and he asked if i wanted to stay, and i did, so i did. we kind of tangled our legs in the bed. i had a headache so he made me eat a granola bar and take aspirin. then we was sighing, so i asked what was wrong and he said "nothing" and i was like "ok, well besides nothing?" and he said he was finding it hard to lay in the bed with me without being physical.. so we kind of talked about it, agreed no one would have hurt feelings (meaning me), and got on with it. it was amazing to feel his skin against my skin, i felt like i was home, but i had to remind myself that home is not there with him, he doesn't feel at home with me, and that it was what it was. so it was fine. i woke up a lot through the night, and things were somewhat awkward the following day. i rubbed his back for him, and i left by 1pm. i think he was surprised i was leaving so early, but i wasn't sure if it was pleasantly. it might have been. i was sad and all afterward bc i really still think he's the one for me, but i'm not the one for him so what can i do? nothing. the future will be what it will be, and i'm not in control here. i have to let it be. and it will be something, i'm just not sure what. so anyway, he randomly texted me the following saturday to ask if i'd sent in the puzzle yet, and we exchanged a few messages. then he sent me some of his poetry and i sent him some of mine. then last friday he randomly texted me to ask if i was still in atlantic city (i was not, i had gone on tuesday! it's a one-night kinda place) and we exchanged a few more messages. i have no idea why he wanted to know if i was still in AC.. it made no sense because why would he care? did he want me to stop by? bleh i have no idea. so whatever. then last weekend we also were emailing on sunday bc i told him about what i'm going through with mike (i'll elaborate later) bc one of the poems i had written dealt with it. and he was trying to be helpful, but sometimes i think him patronizing. whatever, though. then today i texted him to tell him i'd be starting the book he lent me (a graham greene novel, his favorite) today and he's responded but in his own time, like the first response came 6 or 7 hours later, the second response over an hour later and no third response yet though my last message contained a question about a hermans hermits record. i'm basically over him, i'm not going to hold out forever for him to realize that we're right for each other, and i'm sure if he DID come around i would either a) drop whoever i was with or b) not have those feelings anymore, since it seems more like the chase is what i fall in love with. i don't feel intense pangs of jealousy thinking of him on a saturday night anymore, but i do compusively check his netflix queue to see if any of the movies are date flicks.
ok, so michael. jesus, this post is wayyy too long. ok, so two weeks ago mike was here watching tv as usual when i announced i might go to atlantic city the following tuesday since i had two days off for rosh hashanah. he asked who i was going with. having no answer, i said "i don't know, i just thought of it" and then i blurted out "you can come if you want" like an asshole. so of course he jumped on it. so we went to AC and had a lovely night drinking and winning money (i won $200 but really i lost $260 and then won $589! it was super exciting. i pissed the $89 into slots though ha). we went up to the room at like 4am and he started kissing me and i protested, reminded him about tina, etc and he was like "i'm not in love with her. i'm in love with someone else." it was awkward, he cried, and i did not budge on the issue. i reminded him i don't want to be with anyone (small lie, but mostly true bc who i want to be with doesn't want to be with me) and that i'm a disaster (true!). so he stopped crying and seemed to accept it. then we went to bed and he made moves and i didn't resist though i insisted that it meant nothing, it cannot give him hope, and he agreed. the next day he was sort of clingy and i was sort of irritated each time he touched me. then the next day he had to lend me his car and he came over and didn't leave for a while. which was annoying. then the following day he had to drive me to my dads to get the tahoe and he overstayed his welcome again after tv time. annoying again. then the following day we had plans to go into the city for candace's bday party and on the drive back he had his hand on my thigh the whole time. NOT COOL. but i couldn't start with him in the car, so i didn't protest. so tuesday i had to call him bc he had weed and i didn't, and he came over to watch the debate and he asked if he could stay over. i said i didn't think that was smart, and i said that if i was going to return to him, that i would do so in my own time and on my own terms. he seemed to understand that and left. he acted normal on thursday for tv night, staying on his own couch and that made me happy. i feel really bad about the whole situation, but he's holding on to a dream. that's why i chose the lyrics i used for this post. he keeps tearing out the sutres and he needs to stop. i'm not going to return. which makes me realize that it's very possible that steve will never return to me. so.. whatever. it's ok if i turn into the maiden aunt, or the crazy cat lady.
ok so i'm tired of typing now.
my little red squiggly lines are not appearing, which is making me sad. sorry for any typos to all the non-readers (or just irene)!
xoxo
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