Tuesday, October 26, 2004
i cant stop vomiting.i think i will never trust again. as much as i feel like i should hate him for breaking my heart and destroying my faith in humanity, i find myself hating MYSELF for it. i should have known.
...if only it had rained, and that note you left on my car had been washed away. i'd never have known you were still thinking of me.
...if only i had not responded, stuck to my guns in july when i said i needed time, i didnt want to hear from you for a while.
...if only i had stayed hating you, instead of letting you make me fall in love with you all over again.
hindsight..
i want to be alone forever. you were the last boy to ever get a chance to hurt me.
sorry rest of the boys of the world. you can thank him for making me want to die alone.
...if only it had rained, and that note you left on my car had been washed away. i'd never have known you were still thinking of me.
...if only i had not responded, stuck to my guns in july when i said i needed time, i didnt want to hear from you for a while.
...if only i had stayed hating you, instead of letting you make me fall in love with you all over again.
hindsight..
i want to be alone forever. you were the last boy to ever get a chance to hurt me.
sorry rest of the boys of the world. you can thank him for making me want to die alone.
Saturday, October 16, 2004
*ill remove my hands, but i wont let go*
merciana
so its saturday night and i here i am, at home, alone, being the lamest girl in the whole world.im watching the saturday night solution on court tv. forensic files is on.
i texted the enigma today. he responded. he asked nothing about me though, not like how is school or anything of the sorts. jerk. i dont care anymore. i need to distract myself, cos he is so not my fate. or if he is, he isnt right this second, and i ought not be alone, miserable, waiting for him.
so i met this kid on okcupid. he is pretty cool, we talk a lot on aim, and we have lots in common.. but he lives in boston. that sucks. the first person i actually *want* to meet from the internet, and he lives like 200 miles away. and going up there to meet would be expensive, i would have to drive, and i would have to stay in a hotel bc what if i dont like him in person? it sucks if he lived like upstate or in north jersey, we could meet for a day/night in the city, but nooooo.. a whole nother city is his. so we were talking before, and i said i wanted to go camping, and we planned this whole extravaganza involving this temperature (fairly chilly) and the ocean, and some music. and i really wanted it. i wanted to just take off and go camping in the cold so as to have to snuggle in the sleeping bag. with someone new. it feels exhilirating to think about someone new, imagining the tension that builds up and how good a first kiss feels.. i havent had that in so long. i mean.. ive had like two magical first kisses.. chaz and the enigma.. with chaz, it was just like.. i dont know, we met my freshman year, when he was still in high school. he came to visit pace, and he stayed with adam. so he hung out with us. we both had mini crushes on each other, but he went out drinking and i stayed in with juli.. and we didnt meet again till september. he had a theater class with adam and steve, and he came to hang out one night. it was the night of the 1999 mtv video awards. he sat on my lap. i think i dared him to, cos i wanted him close to me. i said i was hungry. so we walked to the stage door deli and talked a whole lot.. he kinda held my hand.. and i remember, we sat on the edge outside the courtyard for hours, talking, smoking.. and he kissed me, and it was way intense. i couldnt stop thinking about him from that moment on. and i know ive written about my first kiss with the enigma in here before, so ill skip it. but it was magical. i want that again, the butterflies that flutter when you know its close, and yr kinda scared, but yr so exicted and you want it to rock so that you wanna keep doing it forever and ever... ive had first kisses since then.. like derek and victor (ew). and baxter but i barely kissed him. my frist kiss with victor was WAY LAME. i dont even remember it. i dont remember my first kiss with derek, considering the circumstances under which they happened, which was drunken insanity and sway. my last kiss with derek was memorable, though, it was my last night in nyc, and he kissed me goodbye. it was sweet. and it was cool, cos i didnt care who saw.
so.. yah. i wanna go camping with this new boy and fall in love, but its not logical to fall in love with someone who lives miles and miles and miles away.. ive also met a couple guys on myspace that seem pretty cool.. the most conversation one is this guy who lives in east setauket. i think hes like 26, and hes going back to school for economics. hes a little too liberal for me, i think, but the conversation is ok. he asked me to go to a concert in the city with him last night, but i didnt feel good, plus i was not comfortable with going to the city in the car with a stranger.. cos i mean, then if i dont like him, im stuck with him in the car the whole way, for the whole concert, and then the whole way home.. and that would be bad. i would rather meet for coffee or something. i dont know though, meeting people online is always bad. it never works out. they never turn out to be the person they were on the internet. well i dont know. i mean, dave was an exception. he was not my type but there was just something.... also i met ian on the internet. but i didnt like him at first. i fell for him over time.. and then he broke my heart. this is really kind of a strand in my life.. make me fall for you, break my heart. the enigma did that, too. rich, who was UGLY did that to me. bleh. im so over boys. wait, i am so not. i wanna have someone to do stuff with. its way lonely now that michael has michelle. i have no one to be my permanent buddy.
my back hurts. time for another episode of forensic files. i kinda wanna smoke a cigarette. i hate being home alone. i get kinda scared. not scared scared, but eh. you know.
i dont even have any drugs. im just chillin, sober, alone. lonely. i hate my new life. at least in brooklyn i could sit inside and smoke cigarettes and whatever. and i had work, and i enjoyed my friends. part of me really wants to get another job but im so lazy. and im so tired of trying to meet people. i mean, im not trying. im relying on the internet. i have no idea what someone like me would do though, to find a nice hot tattooed slacker who plays guitar in a band. oh, wait, i met him already, and he just doesnt love me. thats right!
but the psychic said it could be 'james john or joseph,' which includes him, you know. she said id be married within three years.. and that the man would be like a serendipitous meeting, or else it would be someone i already know who would undergo radical change and therefore appear as a whole new person to me.. and it could be 'james john or joseph,' but that i would have to set boundaries, and he would have to change a lot. and we did have a serendipitous meeting. i swear it was love at first sight. like we had to talk that day. all the forces aligned to put us in the same place at the same time.. she said i had to be patient and the time would be right. hmm..
cough, cough.
ok. im going now. dont miss me too much. ha. no one misses me, anyway.
merciana
so its saturday night and i here i am, at home, alone, being the lamest girl in the whole world.im watching the saturday night solution on court tv. forensic files is on.
i texted the enigma today. he responded. he asked nothing about me though, not like how is school or anything of the sorts. jerk. i dont care anymore. i need to distract myself, cos he is so not my fate. or if he is, he isnt right this second, and i ought not be alone, miserable, waiting for him.
so i met this kid on okcupid. he is pretty cool, we talk a lot on aim, and we have lots in common.. but he lives in boston. that sucks. the first person i actually *want* to meet from the internet, and he lives like 200 miles away. and going up there to meet would be expensive, i would have to drive, and i would have to stay in a hotel bc what if i dont like him in person? it sucks if he lived like upstate or in north jersey, we could meet for a day/night in the city, but nooooo.. a whole nother city is his. so we were talking before, and i said i wanted to go camping, and we planned this whole extravaganza involving this temperature (fairly chilly) and the ocean, and some music. and i really wanted it. i wanted to just take off and go camping in the cold so as to have to snuggle in the sleeping bag. with someone new. it feels exhilirating to think about someone new, imagining the tension that builds up and how good a first kiss feels.. i havent had that in so long. i mean.. ive had like two magical first kisses.. chaz and the enigma.. with chaz, it was just like.. i dont know, we met my freshman year, when he was still in high school. he came to visit pace, and he stayed with adam. so he hung out with us. we both had mini crushes on each other, but he went out drinking and i stayed in with juli.. and we didnt meet again till september. he had a theater class with adam and steve, and he came to hang out one night. it was the night of the 1999 mtv video awards. he sat on my lap. i think i dared him to, cos i wanted him close to me. i said i was hungry. so we walked to the stage door deli and talked a whole lot.. he kinda held my hand.. and i remember, we sat on the edge outside the courtyard for hours, talking, smoking.. and he kissed me, and it was way intense. i couldnt stop thinking about him from that moment on. and i know ive written about my first kiss with the enigma in here before, so ill skip it. but it was magical. i want that again, the butterflies that flutter when you know its close, and yr kinda scared, but yr so exicted and you want it to rock so that you wanna keep doing it forever and ever... ive had first kisses since then.. like derek and victor (ew). and baxter but i barely kissed him. my frist kiss with victor was WAY LAME. i dont even remember it. i dont remember my first kiss with derek, considering the circumstances under which they happened, which was drunken insanity and sway. my last kiss with derek was memorable, though, it was my last night in nyc, and he kissed me goodbye. it was sweet. and it was cool, cos i didnt care who saw.
so.. yah. i wanna go camping with this new boy and fall in love, but its not logical to fall in love with someone who lives miles and miles and miles away.. ive also met a couple guys on myspace that seem pretty cool.. the most conversation one is this guy who lives in east setauket. i think hes like 26, and hes going back to school for economics. hes a little too liberal for me, i think, but the conversation is ok. he asked me to go to a concert in the city with him last night, but i didnt feel good, plus i was not comfortable with going to the city in the car with a stranger.. cos i mean, then if i dont like him, im stuck with him in the car the whole way, for the whole concert, and then the whole way home.. and that would be bad. i would rather meet for coffee or something. i dont know though, meeting people online is always bad. it never works out. they never turn out to be the person they were on the internet. well i dont know. i mean, dave was an exception. he was not my type but there was just something.... also i met ian on the internet. but i didnt like him at first. i fell for him over time.. and then he broke my heart. this is really kind of a strand in my life.. make me fall for you, break my heart. the enigma did that, too. rich, who was UGLY did that to me. bleh. im so over boys. wait, i am so not. i wanna have someone to do stuff with. its way lonely now that michael has michelle. i have no one to be my permanent buddy.
my back hurts. time for another episode of forensic files. i kinda wanna smoke a cigarette. i hate being home alone. i get kinda scared. not scared scared, but eh. you know.
i dont even have any drugs. im just chillin, sober, alone. lonely. i hate my new life. at least in brooklyn i could sit inside and smoke cigarettes and whatever. and i had work, and i enjoyed my friends. part of me really wants to get another job but im so lazy. and im so tired of trying to meet people. i mean, im not trying. im relying on the internet. i have no idea what someone like me would do though, to find a nice hot tattooed slacker who plays guitar in a band. oh, wait, i met him already, and he just doesnt love me. thats right!
but the psychic said it could be 'james john or joseph,' which includes him, you know. she said id be married within three years.. and that the man would be like a serendipitous meeting, or else it would be someone i already know who would undergo radical change and therefore appear as a whole new person to me.. and it could be 'james john or joseph,' but that i would have to set boundaries, and he would have to change a lot. and we did have a serendipitous meeting. i swear it was love at first sight. like we had to talk that day. all the forces aligned to put us in the same place at the same time.. she said i had to be patient and the time would be right. hmm..
cough, cough.
ok. im going now. dont miss me too much. ha. no one misses me, anyway.
Friday, October 15, 2004
*when i was yours, you fled the scene. now you can wash yr hands of me*
cursive
im so happy to have my cd back. the stupid boy had borrowed them when i saw him sept 1, and then he was as usual too busy for me for the remainder of his stay on LI, and he left the cds he borrowed in my mailbox the day he left for tour which was like last week. i missed this cd so much. its cursive's the ugly organ. im feeling very "enjoy your day" about the whole neglect of seeing me debacle. i write so infrequently now hat i have no idea if i already said this, but im pretty pissed that he saw laura, who he supposedly hates AND lives in the city more times than he saw me, who now lives a whopping 14 minutes from him. but whatever. i havent heard from him in five days. i have nothing to say, so no texts messages from me. woo. im holding out. every day it gets easier. i wonder how long he'll wait this time. the longest, i think, was the whole thing with me going to NC and not hearing from him for like 2 weeks after i emailed him saying i was over it all. well. i could be wrong, i t may have been shorter.
i dont feel good.
cursive
im so happy to have my cd back. the stupid boy had borrowed them when i saw him sept 1, and then he was as usual too busy for me for the remainder of his stay on LI, and he left the cds he borrowed in my mailbox the day he left for tour which was like last week. i missed this cd so much. its cursive's the ugly organ. im feeling very "enjoy your day" about the whole neglect of seeing me debacle. i write so infrequently now hat i have no idea if i already said this, but im pretty pissed that he saw laura, who he supposedly hates AND lives in the city more times than he saw me, who now lives a whopping 14 minutes from him. but whatever. i havent heard from him in five days. i have nothing to say, so no texts messages from me. woo. im holding out. every day it gets easier. i wonder how long he'll wait this time. the longest, i think, was the whole thing with me going to NC and not hearing from him for like 2 weeks after i emailed him saying i was over it all. well. i could be wrong, i t may have been shorter.
i dont feel good.
Sunday, October 10, 2004
*the ribbon was crimson, the color of the night*
thursday
"how long is the night" is soooo in my head right now.
wow. its been forever. i dont know. im not into anything anymore. i watch a lot of law & order. im totally disillusioned with my life. ive been using the paper journal religiously again..
so ive been here for like a month and half. i saw the enigma exactly... ONCE!!! before he went back on tour, so obviously 14 minutes or an hour, it makes no difference, he just isnt into me anymore. im sort of interested in moving on, i wanna meet someone.. before i dreaded meeting someone bc i feared i would cheat. i am now confident that i am ready to start something new bc the past two yeas have done nothing but disappoint me. "and i cant let you let me down again" brand new.
goodnight.
thursday
"how long is the night" is soooo in my head right now.
wow. its been forever. i dont know. im not into anything anymore. i watch a lot of law & order. im totally disillusioned with my life. ive been using the paper journal religiously again..
so ive been here for like a month and half. i saw the enigma exactly... ONCE!!! before he went back on tour, so obviously 14 minutes or an hour, it makes no difference, he just isnt into me anymore. im sort of interested in moving on, i wanna meet someone.. before i dreaded meeting someone bc i feared i would cheat. i am now confident that i am ready to start something new bc the past two yeas have done nothing but disappoint me. "and i cant let you let me down again" brand new.
goodnight.
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