Sunday, April 11, 2010
so maybe i haven't been here in like half a year. so what? ugh. i hate it, i hate that several months will be missing on my sidebar. really? yes, that's my problem with not having posted since july. well i haven't written in my regular journal in just as long, either, so here goes.
today i am inspired to babble about how ethereal and surreal my life has become. i've been struggling for what seems like eternity, years and years of despair and ideations of what my life could have been on any other path.. and now, here i am, 30 years old, and everything is happening. i'm madly in love with the man of my dreams, and he is madly in love with me. i'm being recommended for tenure as long as tomorrow's observation goes as planned. i don't hate myself, i don't want to curl up in a ball and die anymore. it's so strange, and it's so amazing.
more and more i catch myself smiling for no reason, imagining the future, dreaming of what is to come in the lovely life i'm leading. sometimes i find myself in a state of disbelief, wondering how i managed this, how i somehow ended up with the man i swore i would marry after the first time we spoke. it's incredible, really. eight years later and we're practically engaged. friday night he asked if i would stay with him through good times and bad. i so badly wanted to ask him if he was practicing his vows.. but i know better, i know i can't disturb the fragile reality i have found myself wandering through. sometimes i can't believe that he's really here with me. we've been together for almost two years and it hasn't really, really sunk in yet.
i'm mesmerized by what is happening. i'm unable to comprehend how eight months ago we were teetering on the edge of breaking up, that we had planned to move in together, things got rough, and we put it off. i didn't want to stay together if we weren't going to be living together. he was cold and distant. then we worked it out, and we haven't had a fight since august. we argue and we work through it, neither of us stays mad. it's a beautiful change, and i am more sure than ever that he is the one for me, and that if we are to marry, we will never divorce.
my life is coming together. it took way longer than i had planned, but i can't imagine it any other way.
and for that, i am more grateful than words could ever describe.
Subscribe to Comments [Atom]