Tuesday, August 12, 2008
barefoot in the shallow creek, i grabbed some stones from underneath and waited for you to speak to me.
and the silence, it became so very clear that you had long ago disappeared. i cursed myself for being surprised that this didn't play like it did in my mind.
all the way from san francisco as i chased the end of your road cos i've still got miles to go.
and i want to know my fate. if i keep up this way.
and it's hard to want to stay awake when everyone you need, they all seem to be asleep. and you wonder if you missed your dream.. you can't see a dream. you can't see a dream.
you just can't see a dream.
death cab for cutie
blah. i'm kind of tired. it's almost midway through august. seeing the honorary title on saturday night (YAY!), paper route on monday. planning a lovely trip to ireland with linds (and now possibly meeting up with irene, too!). i'm feeling more motivated lately, like i'm ready to move forward. it's a scary place.
here's the conundrum: on one hand, i am still madly in love with stephan. i know this because i think about him all the time. and i'm terrified that when i finally move on, he'll want me for some reason (this isn't going to happen, i know, i'm not dense.) and i'll have missed my chance. or i'll have to hurt some other boy to go back to him. because i am stupid, and i think i'd take another chance on stephan if given the chance. maybe bc i'm crazy for him. obviously. BUT on the other hand, i'm tired of being alone. i want to fall in love. the feeling of falling for someone is incredible.. and i don't want to die alone. so i don't know. i have committed to attending happy hours with the work girls on select fridays in an effort to prove one of two things: a) the only man i'll ever feel this intensely for is steve and i'm destined to die alone, or b) there exist dudes that are cool yet adult. again, makes no sense, but i don't know. i get somewhat nauseated at the thought of meeting guys. it makes me shudder a little.
and the silence, it became so very clear that you had long ago disappeared. i cursed myself for being surprised that this didn't play like it did in my mind.
all the way from san francisco as i chased the end of your road cos i've still got miles to go.
and i want to know my fate. if i keep up this way.
and it's hard to want to stay awake when everyone you need, they all seem to be asleep. and you wonder if you missed your dream.. you can't see a dream. you can't see a dream.
you just can't see a dream.
death cab for cutie
blah. i'm kind of tired. it's almost midway through august. seeing the honorary title on saturday night (YAY!), paper route on monday. planning a lovely trip to ireland with linds (and now possibly meeting up with irene, too!). i'm feeling more motivated lately, like i'm ready to move forward. it's a scary place.
here's the conundrum: on one hand, i am still madly in love with stephan. i know this because i think about him all the time. and i'm terrified that when i finally move on, he'll want me for some reason (this isn't going to happen, i know, i'm not dense.) and i'll have missed my chance. or i'll have to hurt some other boy to go back to him. because i am stupid, and i think i'd take another chance on stephan if given the chance. maybe bc i'm crazy for him. obviously. BUT on the other hand, i'm tired of being alone. i want to fall in love. the feeling of falling for someone is incredible.. and i don't want to die alone. so i don't know. i have committed to attending happy hours with the work girls on select fridays in an effort to prove one of two things: a) the only man i'll ever feel this intensely for is steve and i'm destined to die alone, or b) there exist dudes that are cool yet adult. again, makes no sense, but i don't know. i get somewhat nauseated at the thought of meeting guys. it makes me shudder a little.
i'm also making a lot of progress in other areas, such as cleansing myself of the things that make me the disaster that i pretend not to be all the time. here's the thing. i give. and i give. and i GIVE. and, for some reason, i only really gravitate to people who DO NOT give in return. so after a while, after i've given and given and given and reached the point where i recognize that i'm being taken advantage of, i get angry and cut people off. so, what has to happen is, i have to recognize the advantage taking earlier, or wait until a friend shows me that they are willing to give in the capacity in which i will. this is very confusing, i know. but it's not like anyone reads this. it's just that i'm tired of being disappointed in people. i'm super disappointed in jan, i've found that's she's actually a super selfish person and i really didn't think she was like that. but when i re-evaluate things between us, it was like always me giving. i visited her in GA 3 times in just over a year. the last time, i came down because she was so miserable, not being able to tell her girlfriends that she wanted to leave her husband, blah blah, i spent my break with her. i flew down there on a friday after work to spend the weekend driving back to NY after she left christian. i listened to her cry for hours of days over how unhappy she was, fielding texts even when i was at work. but when steve and i broke up, i called her, imed her and texted her. she didn't even get back to me that night. it was the following afternoon before i heard from her. i asked her to come to NC with me so i didn't have to do it alone, and she wouldn't even ASK anyone to watch her dogs (hello, i have a cat that had to be cared for each and every time i traveled to georgia!!!!!)... and the final insult was that she made plans with me to hang out when i got home from NC, and then she blew them off. thing about that is, it seemed like she was blowing me off for the new boyfriend, but it was a "miscommunication" (she didn't blow me off FOR him, but he was coming.. oooook..?).. and rather than apologizing, she like ignores it and then tells me it was my fault because i didn't NAG her to apologize. apparently when one is hurt by the actions of another, it is the hurt party's responsibility to repeatedly reiterate that they were hurt until an apology comes. i didn't get that memo. and then to tell me that she's felt like for the past two years since we've been friends again she's had to "walk on egg shells" to not upset me because i could stop being friends with her at any moment. that's NOT my fault. she did a shitty thing in dating nick two weeks after we broke up. we were super close, she was like my closest friend at the time, and that was a real betrayal. it is NOT my fault that she still feels guilty about that, thus making her feel like i was the type of person who just walks out on people. *i* reached out to *her* two years ago. that was me. why would i contact her and then allow myself to become friends with her again if it was "a trial" (her words!). i understand that the fact that i'm an intensely thoughtful person makes me do things for my friends that other people wouldn't really think of doing, but i don't know. she starts going out with this dude and she ROCKETS him to #1 on her friends list. did MIKE drive to ny with her? did he OFFER to? how many times did he go to GA? seriously? i'm shafted for a boy?! really?! ok. so the point of this whole rant is that i'm just not going to give so much anymore. i'll be there for people when it is convenient for ME. if it involves air travel, i'm saying no.
anyway. i'm super psyched for this potential ireland trip, it's really all i can think about. oh and that one tree hill returns on september 1!! in THREE weeks! YYAAYY!!!! but seriously, irish boys are kinda cute. steve is irish. obviously, he has the irishest last name on the planet. but yah, i'm looking forward to drinking guinness and looking at cute boys with dark hair and blue eyes. this is how i imagine ireland, although i know that there will be redheads and blondes and all the other shades of the rainbow. i'll just have my radar up for the dark-haired, blue-eyed boys.
time to settle in. night!
anyway. i'm super psyched for this potential ireland trip, it's really all i can think about. oh and that one tree hill returns on september 1!! in THREE weeks! YYAAYY!!!! but seriously, irish boys are kinda cute. steve is irish. obviously, he has the irishest last name on the planet. but yah, i'm looking forward to drinking guinness and looking at cute boys with dark hair and blue eyes. this is how i imagine ireland, although i know that there will be redheads and blondes and all the other shades of the rainbow. i'll just have my radar up for the dark-haired, blue-eyed boys.
time to settle in. night!
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