Wednesday, February 18, 2009
life is confusing. i've got what i want. i've got what i've wanted for over six years! but i'm not happy. i don't really get it. i mean, i know that any voids cannot simply filled by the man of my dreams, but come on. it's not fair. it's been almost 4 months now.. the honeymoon is definitely over. this is not an easy relationship, it doesn't just work. it IS work. being intimate is tricky. i somehow landed a man who is next to never in the mood. but when he is, he has this way of looking at me with such tenderness and kindness and love.. that's what i want all the time. that look. that feeling i get when he looks at me that way. however, initiating anything always always carries the risk of being rejected. and working really hard to get him in the mood, something i have never had to do before, and something he expects me to just know.
i focus on the negative. i focus on the things that make me nervous and insecure. it's stupid. we spent saturday and sunday together, and then monday and tuesday. saturday was valentine's day, it was really good. he was late, which made me mad, but i got over it. he was very affectionate and cuddley when he got here, we made dinner. he wanted to be intimite, which was good because i didn't have to do any wining and dining. we exhanged our valentines gifts. he got me a journal with owls on it (even though he said no gifts!) and he made me a drawing of a chicken in a basketball jersey, which is sort of a joke between us. the chicken was in front of a heart, and he said he drew it because he won my heart with his imagining of a chicken in a basketball jersey back in january 2003. he also gave me a card and wrote inside "the most wonderful part is that my entire life becomes more beautiful every time i spend a part of it with you." i almost died. i made him a cd of love songs and wrote the lyrics i had chosen on a cd book i made. we had dessert and coffee, watched some of a movie.. i got a massage. it was nice. sunday morning we did our puzzles, i made breakfast, and i gave him his massage. he left at his usual 330pm. the night was bad, i was lonely and miserable. i don't do well when he leaves, the raining starts in my head and i wish i could see him. but he has a life and things to do. monday afternoon i went to jersey, we went to the grocery store. he wasn't very affectionate all day. we watched a movie together, had dinner. he tried to cheer me up from my depression but it wasn't altogether successful. what i want from him at those times is affection. i want him to take me in his arms and hold me. look at me with that affectionate gaze. i don't want to watch funny movies. well, i do, but i want the other stuff more. he wasn't particularly cuddley all night or anything. in the morning, he got stright up without cuddling at all. it made me visibly sad, so he came back to bed and cuddled a little.. but i insisted they were pity cuddles. we got up, went to the liberty science center, which was cool. he did hug me and give me a big kiss at one point, but his demeaner was somewhat aloof for most of the day. we went back home, watched some tv together, then he pulled me over to cuddle and watch reno 911. that was nice. then i invited him to shower with me and things went bad. i could tell he wasn't really into it but he came with me anyway. i tried to get him into it, but i felt like i was failing. we didn't communicate well and it ended with me feeling rejected and unable to express anything. so we talked about it and things were ok, but i still feel sort of unsettled. he wasn't very affectionate after that, and i take notice of these things. we went to bed at midnight.. this morning we woke up and he went to get ready for work, he was very growly and it made me feel bad. i tried to make him laugh and cheer him up, but he closed the bathroom door on me. that was the worst feeling.. me just trying to make him happy, and him closing the door on me. he said he didn' sleep much and i don't understand why he would take it out on me. he said he wasn't mad at me, and that he would get better sleep when he was back in his routine. which made me feel sad because it made me feel like i was a disruption to his routine. i want to be a PART of his routine. not a disruption to it.
it's just really hard because i want to see him as ofen as i can, and he's content with weekends only. i want our lives to become intertwined. i want to be a part of his life, not just a participant in it. he has nightmares and he won't talk to me about them. he's had shitty things happen in his life, and sometimes they cause him to go to a terrible place and get inside his head, and he shuts me out. he says he talks to other people about these things, but that doesn't make me feel better. i want to be the person he shares with. i want to be the person he shares his life with. but he doesn't really let me.
and i'm just this extremely expressive person, i want him to know how important he is to me, i want him to know i adore him, and how happy i am when we are together. but he doesn't really return it. i know he cares and all that, and i know he misses me when i'm not around. but he has his little ways of showing that, like by cuddling me for a long time every saturday as soon as we see each other. not by telling me he misses me, not by really expressing that he likes me a lot. and it makes it hard for me to continually express that i miss him, and not hear that he misses me too.
i feel nauseas. i'm anxious and unhappy. i want to talk about it, but we had a big talk last night and i'm not interested in pushing a new topic. especially knowing he isn't in a good mood, he's tired, and he has a long night ahead of him. as far as i know, he has his therapist tonight and his regular meeting. he usually gets home around now, has some cereal, and then goes out to take care of his appointments until about 930.
life is too stressful for me to understand and/or handle most of the time.
i focus on the negative. i focus on the things that make me nervous and insecure. it's stupid. we spent saturday and sunday together, and then monday and tuesday. saturday was valentine's day, it was really good. he was late, which made me mad, but i got over it. he was very affectionate and cuddley when he got here, we made dinner. he wanted to be intimite, which was good because i didn't have to do any wining and dining. we exhanged our valentines gifts. he got me a journal with owls on it (even though he said no gifts!) and he made me a drawing of a chicken in a basketball jersey, which is sort of a joke between us. the chicken was in front of a heart, and he said he drew it because he won my heart with his imagining of a chicken in a basketball jersey back in january 2003. he also gave me a card and wrote inside "the most wonderful part is that my entire life becomes more beautiful every time i spend a part of it with you." i almost died. i made him a cd of love songs and wrote the lyrics i had chosen on a cd book i made. we had dessert and coffee, watched some of a movie.. i got a massage. it was nice. sunday morning we did our puzzles, i made breakfast, and i gave him his massage. he left at his usual 330pm. the night was bad, i was lonely and miserable. i don't do well when he leaves, the raining starts in my head and i wish i could see him. but he has a life and things to do. monday afternoon i went to jersey, we went to the grocery store. he wasn't very affectionate all day. we watched a movie together, had dinner. he tried to cheer me up from my depression but it wasn't altogether successful. what i want from him at those times is affection. i want him to take me in his arms and hold me. look at me with that affectionate gaze. i don't want to watch funny movies. well, i do, but i want the other stuff more. he wasn't particularly cuddley all night or anything. in the morning, he got stright up without cuddling at all. it made me visibly sad, so he came back to bed and cuddled a little.. but i insisted they were pity cuddles. we got up, went to the liberty science center, which was cool. he did hug me and give me a big kiss at one point, but his demeaner was somewhat aloof for most of the day. we went back home, watched some tv together, then he pulled me over to cuddle and watch reno 911. that was nice. then i invited him to shower with me and things went bad. i could tell he wasn't really into it but he came with me anyway. i tried to get him into it, but i felt like i was failing. we didn't communicate well and it ended with me feeling rejected and unable to express anything. so we talked about it and things were ok, but i still feel sort of unsettled. he wasn't very affectionate after that, and i take notice of these things. we went to bed at midnight.. this morning we woke up and he went to get ready for work, he was very growly and it made me feel bad. i tried to make him laugh and cheer him up, but he closed the bathroom door on me. that was the worst feeling.. me just trying to make him happy, and him closing the door on me. he said he didn' sleep much and i don't understand why he would take it out on me. he said he wasn't mad at me, and that he would get better sleep when he was back in his routine. which made me feel sad because it made me feel like i was a disruption to his routine. i want to be a PART of his routine. not a disruption to it.
it's just really hard because i want to see him as ofen as i can, and he's content with weekends only. i want our lives to become intertwined. i want to be a part of his life, not just a participant in it. he has nightmares and he won't talk to me about them. he's had shitty things happen in his life, and sometimes they cause him to go to a terrible place and get inside his head, and he shuts me out. he says he talks to other people about these things, but that doesn't make me feel better. i want to be the person he shares with. i want to be the person he shares his life with. but he doesn't really let me.
and i'm just this extremely expressive person, i want him to know how important he is to me, i want him to know i adore him, and how happy i am when we are together. but he doesn't really return it. i know he cares and all that, and i know he misses me when i'm not around. but he has his little ways of showing that, like by cuddling me for a long time every saturday as soon as we see each other. not by telling me he misses me, not by really expressing that he likes me a lot. and it makes it hard for me to continually express that i miss him, and not hear that he misses me too.
i feel nauseas. i'm anxious and unhappy. i want to talk about it, but we had a big talk last night and i'm not interested in pushing a new topic. especially knowing he isn't in a good mood, he's tired, and he has a long night ahead of him. as far as i know, he has his therapist tonight and his regular meeting. he usually gets home around now, has some cereal, and then goes out to take care of his appointments until about 930.
life is too stressful for me to understand and/or handle most of the time.
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