Sunday, October 14, 2007
it's nothing but time and a face that you lose, i chose to feel it and you couldn't choose. i'll write you a postcard, i'll send you the news from a house down the road from real love...
live through this, and you won't look back...
live through this, and you won't look back...
live through this, and you won't look back...
there's one thing i want to say, so i'll be brave.. you were what i wanted, i gave what i gave.. i'm not sorry i met you, i'm not sorry it's over, i'm not sorry there's nothing to save.
i'm not sorry there's nothing to save..
stars
live through this, and you won't look back...
live through this, and you won't look back...
live through this, and you won't look back...
there's one thing i want to say, so i'll be brave.. you were what i wanted, i gave what i gave.. i'm not sorry i met you, i'm not sorry it's over, i'm not sorry there's nothing to save.
i'm not sorry there's nothing to save..
stars
so it's stars lyrics all the time now.
bad day. very bad day.
i so thought i was done with this whole tom debacle. i thought i was through feeling and that i was going to finally be ok. but i argued with my dad on my drive home from my visit with my uncle today and it made me upset because.... well i should start at the beginning, i guess...
this year for christmas my sister-in-law and step-sister have decided we will do a name assignment for gift giving. i am opposed to this because the joy of christmas for me is shopping for others, finding gifts, and giving them to people. so i told my dad to tell whoever is in charge of the name assignments to not include me. i have no desire to participate. i'm on the verge of not even leaving my apartment on christmas day, and it's only october. so my dad said i was being stubborn, and i said "yes. i am. but you know what, all i have is my family.. i don't have anyone else." and then i had to go because i was driving and crying and talking on the phone. and i guess i got lonely.
so two minutes later, "suspension" by mae comes on the ipod. lately i'm alright, and lately I'm not scared, i've figured out that what you do to me feels like i'm floating on air i don't need to know right now, all i know is i believe in the very thing that got us here and now i can't leave.. say anything, but say what you mean
cos i'm caught in suspension.. now, i'm wanting this for sure and i'll beg for nothing more, i'll plan all day and drive all night, you'll love what's in store.. i can't seem to stop this now even if it's not so clear and i'll take what i can get if you want me here.. and it's like.. i would have taken what i could get. i was taking what i could get. i was content to just be what we were without having any clear definition, and now it's gone. it's gone gone gone gone gone gone. and i'm miserable. and we can't go back. it's not the same. that was apparent in my visit last weekend. i'm miserable, he's ok. it's not amazing anymore. our friendship is solid, but my heart is broken and i don't know how to function in our relationship without loving him. and there i am, driving north on 107 behind the N20 bus, and i'm crying. and i can't stop. and these images are flashing in my brain, my hand on his thigh, his head on my shoulder, our hands intertwined... and i can't get them to stop, they're coming so fast and it's so clear that i'm really over nothing. nothing at all. the reason i had such a bad time with him last weekend was because i can't do the friend thing. i can't be this girl he has around who he was falling in love with. i can't. there's nothing to save.
but here i am. home. in front of my computer. my eyes are burning and occasionally welling up over and over to emit more tears. and i thought i was through crying. but i'm not, and i can't handle that. i can't handle that two months have elapsed since we ended things and i'm still not ok. and i can't handle the oscillation back and forth, the i'm ok, i'm not ok. i don't want to be alone when i so clearly have feelings for someone so out of my grasp. i don't want to be alone when i so clearly am in love with someone who can't be here for me. i don't want to be alone when i made a cd for someone who made me feel so many things i couldn't say myself, and not even the proof of how strongly i felt mattered.
nothing matters.
there's nothing to save. should i go on like this? pretending it's fine? i let him believe i was going on a date friday night. i never lied, but i let him believe what he wanted to believe. but it didn't phase him. he told me to have fun. so i'm in love with someone who can so obviously let me go, yet i'm STILL in love. and i have no one to fall back on. i have no one to drown in while i forget the feelings i felt before. i have no way to put this behind me while my emotions are so strong that i'm still crying two months later.
i'll send you the news from a house down the road from real love. that's the summation of it, basically. i need to move on, but it won't be the same. i'll send you the news.... i'll .. i don't know. i'll continue drowning in the mire of my life, with no direction and no ability to stop feeling things that envelop me.
i'm not sorry, there's nothing to save.......
bad day. very bad day.
i so thought i was done with this whole tom debacle. i thought i was through feeling and that i was going to finally be ok. but i argued with my dad on my drive home from my visit with my uncle today and it made me upset because.... well i should start at the beginning, i guess...
this year for christmas my sister-in-law and step-sister have decided we will do a name assignment for gift giving. i am opposed to this because the joy of christmas for me is shopping for others, finding gifts, and giving them to people. so i told my dad to tell whoever is in charge of the name assignments to not include me. i have no desire to participate. i'm on the verge of not even leaving my apartment on christmas day, and it's only october. so my dad said i was being stubborn, and i said "yes. i am. but you know what, all i have is my family.. i don't have anyone else." and then i had to go because i was driving and crying and talking on the phone. and i guess i got lonely.
so two minutes later, "suspension" by mae comes on the ipod. lately i'm alright, and lately I'm not scared, i've figured out that what you do to me feels like i'm floating on air i don't need to know right now, all i know is i believe in the very thing that got us here and now i can't leave.. say anything, but say what you mean
cos i'm caught in suspension.. now, i'm wanting this for sure and i'll beg for nothing more, i'll plan all day and drive all night, you'll love what's in store.. i can't seem to stop this now even if it's not so clear and i'll take what i can get if you want me here.. and it's like.. i would have taken what i could get. i was taking what i could get. i was content to just be what we were without having any clear definition, and now it's gone. it's gone gone gone gone gone gone. and i'm miserable. and we can't go back. it's not the same. that was apparent in my visit last weekend. i'm miserable, he's ok. it's not amazing anymore. our friendship is solid, but my heart is broken and i don't know how to function in our relationship without loving him. and there i am, driving north on 107 behind the N20 bus, and i'm crying. and i can't stop. and these images are flashing in my brain, my hand on his thigh, his head on my shoulder, our hands intertwined... and i can't get them to stop, they're coming so fast and it's so clear that i'm really over nothing. nothing at all. the reason i had such a bad time with him last weekend was because i can't do the friend thing. i can't be this girl he has around who he was falling in love with. i can't. there's nothing to save.
but here i am. home. in front of my computer. my eyes are burning and occasionally welling up over and over to emit more tears. and i thought i was through crying. but i'm not, and i can't handle that. i can't handle that two months have elapsed since we ended things and i'm still not ok. and i can't handle the oscillation back and forth, the i'm ok, i'm not ok. i don't want to be alone when i so clearly have feelings for someone so out of my grasp. i don't want to be alone when i so clearly am in love with someone who can't be here for me. i don't want to be alone when i made a cd for someone who made me feel so many things i couldn't say myself, and not even the proof of how strongly i felt mattered.
nothing matters.
there's nothing to save. should i go on like this? pretending it's fine? i let him believe i was going on a date friday night. i never lied, but i let him believe what he wanted to believe. but it didn't phase him. he told me to have fun. so i'm in love with someone who can so obviously let me go, yet i'm STILL in love. and i have no one to fall back on. i have no one to drown in while i forget the feelings i felt before. i have no way to put this behind me while my emotions are so strong that i'm still crying two months later.
i'll send you the news from a house down the road from real love. that's the summation of it, basically. i need to move on, but it won't be the same. i'll send you the news.... i'll .. i don't know. i'll continue drowning in the mire of my life, with no direction and no ability to stop feeling things that envelop me.
i'm not sorry, there's nothing to save.......
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