Thursday, October 04, 2007
today i had minimal anxiety. for the first time in 40 days... so that's sort of exciting. don't think i've ever used this color before and if i have i don't remember it. i'm still confident in my realization that this is your choice and that it must not be meant to be if you don't want it to be. definitely still nervous about saturday, but that's more because i'm afraid i'll go back on all of this and come out of it a misery ball. i still want to sleep there, with you, on saturday. i'm less likely to push if you say no. maybe someday you will realize you made a terrible mistake... but once i'm gone, i am GONE. i don't look back. i haven't looked back on joe and i was enamored by him at one point. i mean, yah, i'd hook up with him, but seriously. i haven't had sex in 10 months and it's been 6 weeks since i've even had any intimacy in my life. it wouldn't mean something to me. just like you won't mean anything to me anymore soon. i know i will suffer a huge setback on saturday, though. i mean, i've already invested a bunch of money in you and yr happiness because i'm a moron. bought you buttons and thread, and cupcake mix and a pan. i'm like $30 in the hole to make you happy. which is bizarre, because, really, you don't deserve this. or me.
so i emailed stephan two days ago. actually, you don't know about him, he was pre-blog. stephan was another man of my dreams. i secretly lusted after him from the day i met him at rutgers until the day i decided that joe was the new man of my dreams. i mean, i still lusted after stephan, but not as hardcore. he had a girlfriend and i had no chance. but anyway, i emailed him and then i forgot about it because i didn't really expect to hear from him, but he responded today! so i said maybe we could grab coffee one day and catch up. maybe i can switch off of tom and back onto stephan! like i need another jersey boy though. jersey boys are basically the plague.
i might go to the city tomorrow night after our work dinner with heather. that would be fun. so i have to remember to bring a change of shirts to work tomorrow so i can wear something sluttier to the city than i would to work. i don't know how late i want to be out, though, since i'll probably be tired and i have to get up early enough to make the cupcakes on saturday. i want to get to nj at like 3, so i have to leave at about 1:30 or 1:45.. i should really get up at like 10:30 since i will need to let them cool before i can ice them... why am i so concerned about these fucking cupcakes? it's not like they're going to change anything. you don't have the same feelings for me as i do for you. i accept this. i will move on. but you'll get some cupcakes first.
it's 11:34 and i should have gone to bed 45 minutes ago. one more cigarette and then i will get ready for bed. that takes like 10 minutes, though. ugh. midnight bed. of course i'll have to babble basically the same thing i've already typed into my paper journal, but that's a must since i started this volume like 3 years ago. i really want to move on to a new composition notebook! maybe a nice pink one. my goal is to have a new volume by the new year. ugh, the new year... just under 3 months remain until i get to celebrate a whole YEAR of being sexually inactive. 2007 will go into my history books as a total waste of a year. i guess not a total waste. costa rica was good, seeing jan in GA twice was good.. making friends with heather is good. so i guess not a total waste. and i suppose there are still almost 3 good months left for me to make up for 9 months of disaster.
ok. sleep.
(i still love you but i'm working hard to convince myself otherwise)
so i emailed stephan two days ago. actually, you don't know about him, he was pre-blog. stephan was another man of my dreams. i secretly lusted after him from the day i met him at rutgers until the day i decided that joe was the new man of my dreams. i mean, i still lusted after stephan, but not as hardcore. he had a girlfriend and i had no chance. but anyway, i emailed him and then i forgot about it because i didn't really expect to hear from him, but he responded today! so i said maybe we could grab coffee one day and catch up. maybe i can switch off of tom and back onto stephan! like i need another jersey boy though. jersey boys are basically the plague.
i might go to the city tomorrow night after our work dinner with heather. that would be fun. so i have to remember to bring a change of shirts to work tomorrow so i can wear something sluttier to the city than i would to work. i don't know how late i want to be out, though, since i'll probably be tired and i have to get up early enough to make the cupcakes on saturday. i want to get to nj at like 3, so i have to leave at about 1:30 or 1:45.. i should really get up at like 10:30 since i will need to let them cool before i can ice them... why am i so concerned about these fucking cupcakes? it's not like they're going to change anything. you don't have the same feelings for me as i do for you. i accept this. i will move on. but you'll get some cupcakes first.
it's 11:34 and i should have gone to bed 45 minutes ago. one more cigarette and then i will get ready for bed. that takes like 10 minutes, though. ugh. midnight bed. of course i'll have to babble basically the same thing i've already typed into my paper journal, but that's a must since i started this volume like 3 years ago. i really want to move on to a new composition notebook! maybe a nice pink one. my goal is to have a new volume by the new year. ugh, the new year... just under 3 months remain until i get to celebrate a whole YEAR of being sexually inactive. 2007 will go into my history books as a total waste of a year. i guess not a total waste. costa rica was good, seeing jan in GA twice was good.. making friends with heather is good. so i guess not a total waste. and i suppose there are still almost 3 good months left for me to make up for 9 months of disaster.
ok. sleep.
(i still love you but i'm working hard to convince myself otherwise)
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