Tuesday, October 09, 2007
what a mistake it was to see tom. i guess it's good, because without my rose colored glasses, i really think i saw him for who he really is. selfish.. so i don't know. i mean, yah, i miss him. i do, and i miss my old vision of him. but you know, all night he still expected me to let him do whatever without thinking about me or my feelings. he got drunk at the show, ended up kissing me on the beach afterward.. i spent the night. in the morning everything was the same. he claimed i would hate him for what happened. it's not like we slept together. i don't care about what happened.. but i guess i do, deep down, because it proves that he's just a typical dude. opportunistic. so let some other girl have him.. the fact of the matter is that it's going to be difficult for him to find someone as tolerant as i am. and a lot of his traits, like his selfishness, will be more apparent to new girls since they don't already know him. i just need to move on and let him make his mistakes.. and i know it's mean and will probably bring me bad karma, but i hope he regrets this someday. maybe not this year, and maybe not next year, but eventually. i don't want to be alone anymore, so i have to put myself out there.. i guess i sort of am since i am going out with heather and stuff, but i don't know. i guess it would be nice to meet someone.. ugh. it's so stressful. and disappointing. i would rather not go out than have all the disappointment of going to bars and not meeting anyone. online dating is useless, hot guys never message me.. i am not really into any of them. i've been talking to this one dude for a while, but i'm really forcing myself. i am not really into it at all.
it's 10 to 2 on a monday night. i was off work today so i slept till 1pm. like an asshole. i took one nyquil a little while ago and i'm going to lay down and hope to fall asleep at some point. i'm so tired, hopefully i'll be able to sleep. despite all the caffeine i had tonight!!
blah. that's how i feel. i really wanted things to not go this way with tom. i really wanted to just exist there with him and not get all involved in emotionality. but i can't do that. i'm cutting him out. no more texts. what's the point? all that i get out of talking to him is feeling bad and missing the feelings i had. i don't think i really feel them anymore. i haven't had anxiety since i saw him. my feelings died. and that makes me really sad. i really thought he was the one for me, and i guess i was terribly wrong. terribly... i'm so frustrated with my heart being so off all the time. why can't i fall for NOT emotionally unavailable dudes? the ones who are looking for a future do nothing for me. i have an inability to just find someone who wants to settle down with me and who i want to settle down with. but i want to settle down. i want a home with a man, and i want all the good stuff that comes along with being in love and married and thinking about the family that will inevitably follow. i'm 27.5 years old. i won't have children before the time i'm 30. this is heartbreaking. i can't believe i have made so many mistakes with dudes to render myself still single without any prospects at 27 years old. i'm beginning to lose hope. and that is horrendous..
fuck it all. there is no such thing as love, and there is no point in trying to find something that doesn't exist. i don't need to waste my life with a man. i can just work and love my cat, and if i want a child, i can get some sperm or something. like a spinster. maybe i'll become a shut-in, and stop leaving my apartment for anything other than work and basic needs..
yah. fuck it all.
it's 10 to 2 on a monday night. i was off work today so i slept till 1pm. like an asshole. i took one nyquil a little while ago and i'm going to lay down and hope to fall asleep at some point. i'm so tired, hopefully i'll be able to sleep. despite all the caffeine i had tonight!!
blah. that's how i feel. i really wanted things to not go this way with tom. i really wanted to just exist there with him and not get all involved in emotionality. but i can't do that. i'm cutting him out. no more texts. what's the point? all that i get out of talking to him is feeling bad and missing the feelings i had. i don't think i really feel them anymore. i haven't had anxiety since i saw him. my feelings died. and that makes me really sad. i really thought he was the one for me, and i guess i was terribly wrong. terribly... i'm so frustrated with my heart being so off all the time. why can't i fall for NOT emotionally unavailable dudes? the ones who are looking for a future do nothing for me. i have an inability to just find someone who wants to settle down with me and who i want to settle down with. but i want to settle down. i want a home with a man, and i want all the good stuff that comes along with being in love and married and thinking about the family that will inevitably follow. i'm 27.5 years old. i won't have children before the time i'm 30. this is heartbreaking. i can't believe i have made so many mistakes with dudes to render myself still single without any prospects at 27 years old. i'm beginning to lose hope. and that is horrendous..
fuck it all. there is no such thing as love, and there is no point in trying to find something that doesn't exist. i don't need to waste my life with a man. i can just work and love my cat, and if i want a child, i can get some sperm or something. like a spinster. maybe i'll become a shut-in, and stop leaving my apartment for anything other than work and basic needs..
yah. fuck it all.
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