Friday, October 19, 2007
she asked me what love meant and i couldn't explain
we were at the candy store so i bought her a candy cane
she said "is that what love means to you, something that'll melt away? something that's gone just as fast as it comes, another nice word to say?"
weston
we were at the candy store so i bought her a candy cane
she said "is that what love means to you, something that'll melt away? something that's gone just as fast as it comes, another nice word to say?"
weston
grumble. i mean, seriously. grumble.
went to see weston, my favorite band from when i was 16-19, on tuesday night. met tom in the city at 10 to watch them play acoustically. it was a great show. like 20 people there, very intimate, very fun and funny. great songs. a bizarre version of "fafi". they did not play "redhead girl" (above) or "running stupid". boo.
for some reason my blogger is being difficult. i do not like.
so anyway. i am still totally and hopelessly in love with tom. hopelessly. HOPELESSLY. i find myself wishing we had a lousy time on tuesday night, that way i could go back to hating him. like after pinback. i hated him then, and i was happy to be not with him. but something melted away and seeing him made me heart flutter. the electric current when my arm brushed his as we moved to the music as we did when we were teenagers. together then, together now.
this is the deal: every day i spend without you is a waste of a day. it's a day i could have spent being in love with you, rather than pining over you. and, you see, these are days we can never retrieve. they are days we can't get back. they are gone when they are gone. i can't believe that my conviction is still so strong about you and about us. i wish that the fact that i want to spend every day of the rest of my life with you was enough to make you see that being single is not what you need. i wish you could let go of the fear that holds you back from falling in love with me. i wish you would realize that what i feel for you is not just something fleeting, it's the real thing and we should just be together. and i'm so not confident that time will make you see that. i constantly worry that it's only me that feels this, and that my brain is dysfunctional. you'll never see that this is the perfect way our lives should go. and i'll end up settling... down the road from real love.
so what do i do? i can't tell you any of this anymore. you think i'm over it. in fact, you think i went on a date last weekend. i want to scream in yr ear, "can't you see this is the best thing that could ever happen to either of us?" but what for? so you could say the mean things you've convinced yrself of so you could stop having those feelings for me? it would be waste of breath. similar to the days i'm wasting without you.
i need to just keep on pushing forward with my life. i don't wanna forget you, but i'm gonna let you go on with yr life while i trudge through mine.. what else can i do? i have to just trudge on, alone. forever. you will never come around. this is my station in love. to love without being loved. i have to learn to live with it. why can't i feel anything for anyone other than you? a line that was constantly dedicated to joe for so long, but i DID feel things for others then. i had some weird feelings for derek. now it's just an emptiness where love should be.
what i really need is to stop stalling and to fucking get a therapist. have some lady to talk to about all this. figure out why i'm an emotional train wreck. why i can't fall in love with men who are capable of loving me. maybe i'll call tomorrow. probably not, though...
ok well. i need my bed. i need to formally kill another day i'm wasting, trudging through this life without the one thing i want the most:
went to see weston, my favorite band from when i was 16-19, on tuesday night. met tom in the city at 10 to watch them play acoustically. it was a great show. like 20 people there, very intimate, very fun and funny. great songs. a bizarre version of "fafi". they did not play "redhead girl" (above) or "running stupid". boo.
for some reason my blogger is being difficult. i do not like.
so anyway. i am still totally and hopelessly in love with tom. hopelessly. HOPELESSLY. i find myself wishing we had a lousy time on tuesday night, that way i could go back to hating him. like after pinback. i hated him then, and i was happy to be not with him. but something melted away and seeing him made me heart flutter. the electric current when my arm brushed his as we moved to the music as we did when we were teenagers. together then, together now.
this is the deal: every day i spend without you is a waste of a day. it's a day i could have spent being in love with you, rather than pining over you. and, you see, these are days we can never retrieve. they are days we can't get back. they are gone when they are gone. i can't believe that my conviction is still so strong about you and about us. i wish that the fact that i want to spend every day of the rest of my life with you was enough to make you see that being single is not what you need. i wish you could let go of the fear that holds you back from falling in love with me. i wish you would realize that what i feel for you is not just something fleeting, it's the real thing and we should just be together. and i'm so not confident that time will make you see that. i constantly worry that it's only me that feels this, and that my brain is dysfunctional. you'll never see that this is the perfect way our lives should go. and i'll end up settling... down the road from real love.
so what do i do? i can't tell you any of this anymore. you think i'm over it. in fact, you think i went on a date last weekend. i want to scream in yr ear, "can't you see this is the best thing that could ever happen to either of us?" but what for? so you could say the mean things you've convinced yrself of so you could stop having those feelings for me? it would be waste of breath. similar to the days i'm wasting without you.
i need to just keep on pushing forward with my life. i don't wanna forget you, but i'm gonna let you go on with yr life while i trudge through mine.. what else can i do? i have to just trudge on, alone. forever. you will never come around. this is my station in love. to love without being loved. i have to learn to live with it. why can't i feel anything for anyone other than you? a line that was constantly dedicated to joe for so long, but i DID feel things for others then. i had some weird feelings for derek. now it's just an emptiness where love should be.
what i really need is to stop stalling and to fucking get a therapist. have some lady to talk to about all this. figure out why i'm an emotional train wreck. why i can't fall in love with men who are capable of loving me. maybe i'll call tomorrow. probably not, though...
ok well. i need my bed. i need to formally kill another day i'm wasting, trudging through this life without the one thing i want the most:
YOU
Subscribe to Comments [Atom]