Tuesday, March 23, 2004
*and if you ever said you miss me dont say you never lied.*
brand new
think ive used that lyric before. well. it describes my mood, so it stays. because yr fucking haunting me tonight. i tried to concentrate on the words on the pages, but you and yr deceptions came and took the spotlight. the games the lies the stupidity. it becomes clearer to me all the time.. i was remembering this conversation we had one night when we were laying in bed together.. it was about politics i think. i was talking and you were like "yah. i just dont care." and the contents of the conversation were inconsequential, i didnt care that you weren't political, it was the way you wrapped yr arms around me when you said that and hugged me, and kissed my forehead. and i guess im perplexed. because it felt real then, but in reflection i feel like it was a concession, you spent a bunch of nights with me, then you could wean me off sleepovers and get what you wanted with no worries, no commitment, no need to stay.. its like you no longer need the cover of caring, you can just come and use my body, just as you like. three hours, 45 minutes. not a big deal, not a whole night. in fact, not even the length of a dinner/movie date. oh sure, theres the drive involved, but you know yr going to have what is in yr mind, some no strings attached lovin.. and then i blame myself for acting like it was ok, for relenting and not screaming out after we had the talk, after i told you i could not be just a hook up to you, because i couldnt do that to myself again, i cant be used that way anymore, i cant feel that way again, i cannot revert to thinking im only worth my body... and i have! and its yr fault. but its also my fault bc i didnt have to ask you up that night in may. i didnt have to let you come by that friday. i could have stayed fast to my judgement. but no. my heart needed to be tortured, and my heart always wins. but WHY? i mean. did you *really* leave that note on my car just to see if you could destroy me AGAIN? cos 97 wasnt enough? cos you still had those fantasies? cos you wanted to live out six years of fantasies? because WHY? you were so concerned with making me not hate you again, and you worked to regain my trust just to do this all over again? DO YOU EVEN KNOW? cos i stopped letting on that i had feelings a long time ago.. maybe you think im fine, and that it doesnt stab me to hear you say "it'll come when you least expect it.." which in my head translates to "just reminding you its NOT me." oh yah, gille, by the way, yr hot and i just wanted to screw you.. thaaaanks. im never going to care, to actually know you or be with you.. it was a game. please just fucking say it to my face.. you havent sent me a txt in days.. my phone holds but one txt from you, and its locked in from january.. when you said it was "REALLY nice" to see me that night.. you didnt send me the usual monday morning "how was yr weekend?" nope. and i didnt either. bc im not doing this to myself anymore. i have to let go ive had enough this isnt fair and it hurts. i cannot suffer like this, i cannot let you keep me from living my life, i cant i cant i cant... i cant have another nervous breakdown over you, i cant explode i cant let this happen. IM IN CONTROL OF MY LIFE. i look over my old journals, i study the words on the page, hoping they'll scream out, that they'll give me the secret to my previous success, when i walked away from you.. when i said id had enough and i ceased it. but can i let four more years pass? can i let go of you for good? can i say good bye? can i cry anymore? i cant. i cant do this anymore. i cant.
brand new
think ive used that lyric before. well. it describes my mood, so it stays. because yr fucking haunting me tonight. i tried to concentrate on the words on the pages, but you and yr deceptions came and took the spotlight. the games the lies the stupidity. it becomes clearer to me all the time.. i was remembering this conversation we had one night when we were laying in bed together.. it was about politics i think. i was talking and you were like "yah. i just dont care." and the contents of the conversation were inconsequential, i didnt care that you weren't political, it was the way you wrapped yr arms around me when you said that and hugged me, and kissed my forehead. and i guess im perplexed. because it felt real then, but in reflection i feel like it was a concession, you spent a bunch of nights with me, then you could wean me off sleepovers and get what you wanted with no worries, no commitment, no need to stay.. its like you no longer need the cover of caring, you can just come and use my body, just as you like. three hours, 45 minutes. not a big deal, not a whole night. in fact, not even the length of a dinner/movie date. oh sure, theres the drive involved, but you know yr going to have what is in yr mind, some no strings attached lovin.. and then i blame myself for acting like it was ok, for relenting and not screaming out after we had the talk, after i told you i could not be just a hook up to you, because i couldnt do that to myself again, i cant be used that way anymore, i cant feel that way again, i cannot revert to thinking im only worth my body... and i have! and its yr fault. but its also my fault bc i didnt have to ask you up that night in may. i didnt have to let you come by that friday. i could have stayed fast to my judgement. but no. my heart needed to be tortured, and my heart always wins. but WHY? i mean. did you *really* leave that note on my car just to see if you could destroy me AGAIN? cos 97 wasnt enough? cos you still had those fantasies? cos you wanted to live out six years of fantasies? because WHY? you were so concerned with making me not hate you again, and you worked to regain my trust just to do this all over again? DO YOU EVEN KNOW? cos i stopped letting on that i had feelings a long time ago.. maybe you think im fine, and that it doesnt stab me to hear you say "it'll come when you least expect it.." which in my head translates to "just reminding you its NOT me." oh yah, gille, by the way, yr hot and i just wanted to screw you.. thaaaanks. im never going to care, to actually know you or be with you.. it was a game. please just fucking say it to my face.. you havent sent me a txt in days.. my phone holds but one txt from you, and its locked in from january.. when you said it was "REALLY nice" to see me that night.. you didnt send me the usual monday morning "how was yr weekend?" nope. and i didnt either. bc im not doing this to myself anymore. i have to let go ive had enough this isnt fair and it hurts. i cannot suffer like this, i cannot let you keep me from living my life, i cant i cant i cant... i cant have another nervous breakdown over you, i cant explode i cant let this happen. IM IN CONTROL OF MY LIFE. i look over my old journals, i study the words on the page, hoping they'll scream out, that they'll give me the secret to my previous success, when i walked away from you.. when i said id had enough and i ceased it. but can i let four more years pass? can i let go of you for good? can i say good bye? can i cry anymore? i cant. i cant do this anymore. i cant.
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