Tuesday, March 02, 2004
*the sun falls on my eyes and im struggling to reason why everybody smiles am i the only one who feels this way at all is someone too proud to let it go and im swallowing my feet and choking on everything i feel*
penfold
im on long island. sitting in the little alcove where the computer is. i feel like im in a pet shop. my brother and emily live down here, and they have so much wildlife.. there is a bearded dragon, a turtle (who has been a part of the family since we were wee kids), there is a big fish tank with snails and fish and cleaner shrimp, and there is a smaller fish tank with four grown seahorses and one itty bitty baby seahorse. plus the cats, who are presently chasing each other around the house. there was a silverfish in my bedroom a little while ago, and i showed it to belly. shes retarded, so it took her a while, but she ate it. hehehehe.
i saw the enigma last night. he totally got here late. he fell asleep. hes soooo good at that. anyway he arrived at 12:15. too late to rent a movie, so we went to stony brook. he wanted to show me this nature trail like thing by the gristmill. there is a statue in the middle, and he wanted to go there, but when we got there, it appeared that the trail was on private property and the gate was closed, and there were lights on inside. and neither of us felt like getting arrested. so we drove over to the long island sound and talked for a while.. we talked about guitar and his band, and some shows he turned down.. and we talked about how i live in kims shadow, and how i feel like we're drifting apart. then we talked about how we both gave up drinking.. so whatever, we were just talking and i was laying with my head on his lap, looking up at him and he wanted to go someplace, so i said we could go back to my house, and he was like "i dont know, i feel bad bc we'll fool around and i cant stay long so i wont be able to lay there cos i gotta get my mom juice in the morning and ill be paranoid that ill fall asleep." so i dont know, i was like "ok." and he was concerned that i was upset. so that spring boarded into a discussion about me, and how im not like that.. i basically told him that i think that maybe he is used to girls that get upset over things like having to go, or his lack of available time and whatnot, and i tried to explain that im not one of them. if i look sad when hes leaving, its bc im bummed, bc i like him, because i dont want him to leave, but i *understand* that he has to.. and im not upset with him. so i think he understood and i guess it might have really helped.. cos i feel like he always thinks im upset with him, when im not. i told him "dont you remember mean gille? the gille who told you 'i never want to see you again'?" he said he didnt remember.. he was like "wow, you said that?" and i did, in 1998, i totally said i never wanted to see him again.. and i didnt for a long time. i told him that when im upset like mad, he will know, and i will not cover up my anger to be nice. so yah. we came back here, and i gave him the maxim i got him with eliza dushku on the cover and he was pretty happy, but he threw it on the floor and he was like "ill look at that later" and went back to rubbing my belly. hottttt. whatever happened and i was like "you can leave in a few minutes, just stay with me for a little while, and i promise that if you fall asleep, ill poke you and tell you that you have to go home and be a good son" and he was like "awww" and he kissed me. so like 15 minutes later he was like "ok, i better go" so we got up and i walked him out. we got to the car and he gave me a huge hug and he thanked me for the magazine and for everything and i thanked him for coming and there were a bunch of little kisses and hugs and he was like "send me a message tomorrow" and i said "you send me a message when you get home." so he did, and i wished him sweet dreams... then he sent me a message this morning asking me how i felt, and i said good, and he wrote back that he was at work, and he didnt wanna be, only you couldnt tell bc he had a huge smile on his face. and i was like awww.. it brought me back to like 9 months ago when he would spend the night and send me messages about how he was still smiling........
and speaking of that.. i miss it. i miss when he'd spend the night and wake up in the morning cuddling me, putting his hand over my mouth when i told him it was time to go, kissing my forehead and saying five more minutes.. that was when we had time to be cute.. when he'd get to my place at like 8pm, and we'd watch a movie and cuddle and then make out on the couch before moving to my room, when there was still foreplay and a crazy buildup to whatever came later.. and then falling asleep together. he would fall asleep, i would lay there and look at him and smile. bc i dont sleep. now its like.. ok we have two or three hours, so the foreplay is gone and the staying to cuddle is gone.. its just a movie or a drive or some tv, and then being physical, and then he's out. the last time we went out.. was like forever ago. on mothers day we went to the movies with his friends.. and like two weeks before that, he'd come into the city and i met him and his friends for dinner in the village, and we hung out and had a good time before coming back to my place and having whatever happen. sigh. i know he's using me, although im not sure if hes conscious of that fact. i truly believe he may have deluded himself enough to think that im ok with this, when really im torn.. i wrote a song today. maybe ill post it later....
one of the cleaner shrimp is cleaning the clown fish. the clown fish is retarded, its just bobs up and down. now its cleaning the psychadelic fish. seriously, one could just sit and look at the fish tank all night and be mesmorized.
anyway. its almost 830. no one is home. i think i might get my bag together so i can try to make the 10:11 train. one tree hill ends at 10, and if we leave right away, i can make that train.. plus i have to go outside to smoke a butt, and i want to.. so. maybe ill have more to say later, when i get back to brooklyn. maybe.
penfold
im on long island. sitting in the little alcove where the computer is. i feel like im in a pet shop. my brother and emily live down here, and they have so much wildlife.. there is a bearded dragon, a turtle (who has been a part of the family since we were wee kids), there is a big fish tank with snails and fish and cleaner shrimp, and there is a smaller fish tank with four grown seahorses and one itty bitty baby seahorse. plus the cats, who are presently chasing each other around the house. there was a silverfish in my bedroom a little while ago, and i showed it to belly. shes retarded, so it took her a while, but she ate it. hehehehe.
i saw the enigma last night. he totally got here late. he fell asleep. hes soooo good at that. anyway he arrived at 12:15. too late to rent a movie, so we went to stony brook. he wanted to show me this nature trail like thing by the gristmill. there is a statue in the middle, and he wanted to go there, but when we got there, it appeared that the trail was on private property and the gate was closed, and there were lights on inside. and neither of us felt like getting arrested. so we drove over to the long island sound and talked for a while.. we talked about guitar and his band, and some shows he turned down.. and we talked about how i live in kims shadow, and how i feel like we're drifting apart. then we talked about how we both gave up drinking.. so whatever, we were just talking and i was laying with my head on his lap, looking up at him and he wanted to go someplace, so i said we could go back to my house, and he was like "i dont know, i feel bad bc we'll fool around and i cant stay long so i wont be able to lay there cos i gotta get my mom juice in the morning and ill be paranoid that ill fall asleep." so i dont know, i was like "ok." and he was concerned that i was upset. so that spring boarded into a discussion about me, and how im not like that.. i basically told him that i think that maybe he is used to girls that get upset over things like having to go, or his lack of available time and whatnot, and i tried to explain that im not one of them. if i look sad when hes leaving, its bc im bummed, bc i like him, because i dont want him to leave, but i *understand* that he has to.. and im not upset with him. so i think he understood and i guess it might have really helped.. cos i feel like he always thinks im upset with him, when im not. i told him "dont you remember mean gille? the gille who told you 'i never want to see you again'?" he said he didnt remember.. he was like "wow, you said that?" and i did, in 1998, i totally said i never wanted to see him again.. and i didnt for a long time. i told him that when im upset like mad, he will know, and i will not cover up my anger to be nice. so yah. we came back here, and i gave him the maxim i got him with eliza dushku on the cover and he was pretty happy, but he threw it on the floor and he was like "ill look at that later" and went back to rubbing my belly. hottttt. whatever happened and i was like "you can leave in a few minutes, just stay with me for a little while, and i promise that if you fall asleep, ill poke you and tell you that you have to go home and be a good son" and he was like "awww" and he kissed me. so like 15 minutes later he was like "ok, i better go" so we got up and i walked him out. we got to the car and he gave me a huge hug and he thanked me for the magazine and for everything and i thanked him for coming and there were a bunch of little kisses and hugs and he was like "send me a message tomorrow" and i said "you send me a message when you get home." so he did, and i wished him sweet dreams... then he sent me a message this morning asking me how i felt, and i said good, and he wrote back that he was at work, and he didnt wanna be, only you couldnt tell bc he had a huge smile on his face. and i was like awww.. it brought me back to like 9 months ago when he would spend the night and send me messages about how he was still smiling........
and speaking of that.. i miss it. i miss when he'd spend the night and wake up in the morning cuddling me, putting his hand over my mouth when i told him it was time to go, kissing my forehead and saying five more minutes.. that was when we had time to be cute.. when he'd get to my place at like 8pm, and we'd watch a movie and cuddle and then make out on the couch before moving to my room, when there was still foreplay and a crazy buildup to whatever came later.. and then falling asleep together. he would fall asleep, i would lay there and look at him and smile. bc i dont sleep. now its like.. ok we have two or three hours, so the foreplay is gone and the staying to cuddle is gone.. its just a movie or a drive or some tv, and then being physical, and then he's out. the last time we went out.. was like forever ago. on mothers day we went to the movies with his friends.. and like two weeks before that, he'd come into the city and i met him and his friends for dinner in the village, and we hung out and had a good time before coming back to my place and having whatever happen. sigh. i know he's using me, although im not sure if hes conscious of that fact. i truly believe he may have deluded himself enough to think that im ok with this, when really im torn.. i wrote a song today. maybe ill post it later....
one of the cleaner shrimp is cleaning the clown fish. the clown fish is retarded, its just bobs up and down. now its cleaning the psychadelic fish. seriously, one could just sit and look at the fish tank all night and be mesmorized.
anyway. its almost 830. no one is home. i think i might get my bag together so i can try to make the 10:11 train. one tree hill ends at 10, and if we leave right away, i can make that train.. plus i have to go outside to smoke a butt, and i want to.. so. maybe ill have more to say later, when i get back to brooklyn. maybe.
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