Tuesday, March 30, 2004
*yr probly wonderin why i called you here,
i think the time has come to make it clear.
my heart cant make our love bloom and grow,
while yr kickin it to and fro.
accusing it of things it never said,
and steppin on it like a cigarette.
how can i be the answer to yr prayers,
if im always makin minor repairs?
i been doin mosta those things im supposta
you been tearin me apart
and i cant compete with you
you keep doin what you do
and ill keep tapin up my heart
ill keep tapin up my heart.*
mr t experience!!!!!
yah so im listenin to mtx, rockin out. i wrote that lyric in poem form cos it totally rhymes. i know i usually just jumble them up, but the rhymes in mtx make you giggle, the lyrics are so ridiculous sometimes, just so that they rhyme. plus its sucker love surf punk. dr. frank is the best. too bad i got sick when i went to see them, and i had to go home early. im retarded for doing that. i think back and im like.. dude, i loved mtx then, as i love them now, and i would never have done that now. i would have stuck it out. who knows. maybe i felt really sick and i just didnt know it. i got this cd there, its the one with "now that you are gone" which is my favorite mtx song. it ws my first mtx song, kurt played it for me o that mixtape in woody.. back in 1996.. the day i heard my first weston song "new shirt"/"heather lewis") perhaps ill end with those lyrics, as its the last song on the cd, and "tapin up my heart" was first, so it would be fitting. my entry would be enclosed. sort of.
i got up to 32 pages today on my thesis. wooooohooooo. i was the worst student ever. i only wrote like 8 pages. but. some days are better than others. this one, however, was spent enmeshed in the enigma, from morning till night. seriously. im on overload, i dont know if i should be happy or sad or equally both at the same time. he sent me the monday morning text at 1030.. i heard my phone vibrating, but i ignored it, cos i was still feigning anger at him. YOU see what it feels like to wait hours for a stupid reply. anyway. kim called me at like 130, and she asked me the password for our expedia.com account so she could print out our eticket. (which im really nervous about, i know its an eticket and everyone gets them, but i have never had one before, and i would feel so much more secure in our journey if i physically had plane tickets in my hand. like, what if we print out the wrong itinerary page, and we get there.... ok. serious tangent, im stopping now. back to the enigma show, already in progress....) so. i was awake and i checked the message, and it said "hey. how are you? there was this girl at our show sat who looked a lot like you. i wished it was you." at first i was mad, like seething mad, and i put my head back into the pillow.. you WISHED IT WAS ME? what? why do you do this? you did not! you did NOT wish it was ME. then the heart too back over, pushing the head away, and went "but, awww.." ugh. so like an ass i respond that im ok, that im tired, how was his weekend? thats sweet that you wished i was there.. blah blah. i wasnt sugary or adoring or anything, i was pretty flat, i chose neutral words when typing out my response. i was proud of myself. he responded immediately. i was like WHOA. he NEVER responds immediately. so basically the conversation boiled down to him telling me that he wished i was there bc he wanted a hug, and i said "you could have walked up to any girl and gotten the same effect.. or were you thinking about getting laid?" i thought that was kinda mean of me, but he didnt get it, obviously, cos he was like "i guess but not really. i was thinking about you. i wanted you. i wasnt really thinking about sex. just being close to someone." so i was really confused. i mean. what? whyyyyy? why are you drawing me in? you are, you are, and you fucking KNOW it. you know it. im being totally histrionic again right now, but whatever. so whatever i decided to change the subject bc i was being drawn back in, and i was like "so when are you hittin the road again? this week?" he said he was, that the first show on the tour was thursday night.. and he asked "yr leaving monday, right? and yr bday is sat, right?" he got my birthday wrong, its sunday, but he probably remembered that my friends were coming out saturday night. so kudos to him. anyway. whatever, the conversation turned to vegas, and he was like "i wish i was going with you" so i was like. oh no, its done. and my fingers just typed "i wish you were coming too." NO NO NO, you did not just do that says the head! and the heart just bats its eyelashes. THIS IS WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE ME. seriously. he sends me on a fucking roller coaster ride, im mad, then happy, then sad, then happy, then confused, then happy. oh, but im about to get mad again, cos first he starts talking about how me and kim should make out in vegas (ugh im so over this conversation, boy.) then he says i should bang DEREK in vegas. something like "i know you'll bang him, you should its yr vacation. hookin up is fun. make him forget his name for me" and i was like "what the hell? why is he advocating my having sex with another boy? ugh. so im like "im sorry, but meaningless hookups arent my thing anymore, its not fun for me, like you want it to be" and hes like "what do you mean? it wouldnt be meaningless, it would mean a lot to me for you to make out with kim. hehe." and i was like "no, i dont know why yr advocating that i bang derek. i dont understand why yr encouraging me to be slutty." and he was like "i dont know. i just want you to have a good time. like when i went on tour, and you told me i should hook up with girls. hooking up is fun." and i was like "when i said that it was so it would hurt less when you did, cos id suggested you do it. for me, its not fun, i dont like feeling like im only good for sex." so he said "yah, i hear ya. well, i hope you have fun." and i dont remember what happened next, but i think i said something like "why are you excitable tonight? are you getting laid?" and he said that it was a week night and i asked if he had a new no sex on a work night rule.. he said no, but he had to get up early in the morning and didnt like to be out late unless it was for a special occasion, like brooklyn. which kinda warmed my heart, so i was like "hehe i must be super special bc i cant remember the last time we werent together on a weekday." and he was like "see. plus im away most weekends so i cant get out to you. thats why weekdays are ok. why, you need a visit? hehe" and i was like "i could use some good hugs and cuddles. those have been sparse lately." so he said "whats that supposed to mean? i got hugs for you" and i was like "yah i know you got hugs for me, but lately theyve been shed with conern for time..." so he goes "next time will be all cuddles. ok?" and i was like "really? cuddles! YAY!" and he was like "no sex. we'll keep our memories." and then my hormones took over, and they made me type "yah, well ideally it would be cuddles, then lovin, then lots of cuddles. cos i dont think cuddling would be gratifying for you." and he was like "we'll see. but i like the way you think."
soooooo i dont know what to think. really. i was mad at first, then sad, then happy, then mad again, then happy. and its like UGH. i wanna see what happens when i see him again. i told him i'd take lots of pics in vegas and show him when he gets back from tour. so maybe ill see him mid-april. and so the whole time i was thinking are things gonna be different when i move home? but i know they wont.. i cant stop thinking about it though, once i start. so stupid for me to even imagine. they are touring all of july and ugust, half of june, and then europe in oct for 6 weeks. i soooo dont want him to go to europe. well i do but i dont. i want him here. i wanna go WITH him.
im wayyyy cold right now. i shall crossword and get a better blanket. later!
*there was something in the way you said never to call you again, and now i know i should have read between the lines back then. there were secrets that you almost kept that werent quite sifficient to show. but it finally hit me when you left my name off the suicide note. i shifted gears, i faced my fears, i cried some tears, i did a lot of heroin, it took so long, but now im movin on, now that you are gone.*
i think the time has come to make it clear.
my heart cant make our love bloom and grow,
while yr kickin it to and fro.
accusing it of things it never said,
and steppin on it like a cigarette.
how can i be the answer to yr prayers,
if im always makin minor repairs?
i been doin mosta those things im supposta
you been tearin me apart
and i cant compete with you
you keep doin what you do
and ill keep tapin up my heart
ill keep tapin up my heart.*
mr t experience!!!!!
yah so im listenin to mtx, rockin out. i wrote that lyric in poem form cos it totally rhymes. i know i usually just jumble them up, but the rhymes in mtx make you giggle, the lyrics are so ridiculous sometimes, just so that they rhyme. plus its sucker love surf punk. dr. frank is the best. too bad i got sick when i went to see them, and i had to go home early. im retarded for doing that. i think back and im like.. dude, i loved mtx then, as i love them now, and i would never have done that now. i would have stuck it out. who knows. maybe i felt really sick and i just didnt know it. i got this cd there, its the one with "now that you are gone" which is my favorite mtx song. it ws my first mtx song, kurt played it for me o that mixtape in woody.. back in 1996.. the day i heard my first weston song "new shirt"/"heather lewis") perhaps ill end with those lyrics, as its the last song on the cd, and "tapin up my heart" was first, so it would be fitting. my entry would be enclosed. sort of.
i got up to 32 pages today on my thesis. wooooohooooo. i was the worst student ever. i only wrote like 8 pages. but. some days are better than others. this one, however, was spent enmeshed in the enigma, from morning till night. seriously. im on overload, i dont know if i should be happy or sad or equally both at the same time. he sent me the monday morning text at 1030.. i heard my phone vibrating, but i ignored it, cos i was still feigning anger at him. YOU see what it feels like to wait hours for a stupid reply. anyway. kim called me at like 130, and she asked me the password for our expedia.com account so she could print out our eticket. (which im really nervous about, i know its an eticket and everyone gets them, but i have never had one before, and i would feel so much more secure in our journey if i physically had plane tickets in my hand. like, what if we print out the wrong itinerary page, and we get there.... ok. serious tangent, im stopping now. back to the enigma show, already in progress....) so. i was awake and i checked the message, and it said "hey. how are you? there was this girl at our show sat who looked a lot like you. i wished it was you." at first i was mad, like seething mad, and i put my head back into the pillow.. you WISHED IT WAS ME? what? why do you do this? you did not! you did NOT wish it was ME. then the heart too back over, pushing the head away, and went "but, awww.." ugh. so like an ass i respond that im ok, that im tired, how was his weekend? thats sweet that you wished i was there.. blah blah. i wasnt sugary or adoring or anything, i was pretty flat, i chose neutral words when typing out my response. i was proud of myself. he responded immediately. i was like WHOA. he NEVER responds immediately. so basically the conversation boiled down to him telling me that he wished i was there bc he wanted a hug, and i said "you could have walked up to any girl and gotten the same effect.. or were you thinking about getting laid?" i thought that was kinda mean of me, but he didnt get it, obviously, cos he was like "i guess but not really. i was thinking about you. i wanted you. i wasnt really thinking about sex. just being close to someone." so i was really confused. i mean. what? whyyyyy? why are you drawing me in? you are, you are, and you fucking KNOW it. you know it. im being totally histrionic again right now, but whatever. so whatever i decided to change the subject bc i was being drawn back in, and i was like "so when are you hittin the road again? this week?" he said he was, that the first show on the tour was thursday night.. and he asked "yr leaving monday, right? and yr bday is sat, right?" he got my birthday wrong, its sunday, but he probably remembered that my friends were coming out saturday night. so kudos to him. anyway. whatever, the conversation turned to vegas, and he was like "i wish i was going with you" so i was like. oh no, its done. and my fingers just typed "i wish you were coming too." NO NO NO, you did not just do that says the head! and the heart just bats its eyelashes. THIS IS WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE ME. seriously. he sends me on a fucking roller coaster ride, im mad, then happy, then sad, then happy, then confused, then happy. oh, but im about to get mad again, cos first he starts talking about how me and kim should make out in vegas (ugh im so over this conversation, boy.) then he says i should bang DEREK in vegas. something like "i know you'll bang him, you should its yr vacation. hookin up is fun. make him forget his name for me" and i was like "what the hell? why is he advocating my having sex with another boy? ugh. so im like "im sorry, but meaningless hookups arent my thing anymore, its not fun for me, like you want it to be" and hes like "what do you mean? it wouldnt be meaningless, it would mean a lot to me for you to make out with kim. hehe." and i was like "no, i dont know why yr advocating that i bang derek. i dont understand why yr encouraging me to be slutty." and he was like "i dont know. i just want you to have a good time. like when i went on tour, and you told me i should hook up with girls. hooking up is fun." and i was like "when i said that it was so it would hurt less when you did, cos id suggested you do it. for me, its not fun, i dont like feeling like im only good for sex." so he said "yah, i hear ya. well, i hope you have fun." and i dont remember what happened next, but i think i said something like "why are you excitable tonight? are you getting laid?" and he said that it was a week night and i asked if he had a new no sex on a work night rule.. he said no, but he had to get up early in the morning and didnt like to be out late unless it was for a special occasion, like brooklyn. which kinda warmed my heart, so i was like "hehe i must be super special bc i cant remember the last time we werent together on a weekday." and he was like "see. plus im away most weekends so i cant get out to you. thats why weekdays are ok. why, you need a visit? hehe" and i was like "i could use some good hugs and cuddles. those have been sparse lately." so he said "whats that supposed to mean? i got hugs for you" and i was like "yah i know you got hugs for me, but lately theyve been shed with conern for time..." so he goes "next time will be all cuddles. ok?" and i was like "really? cuddles! YAY!" and he was like "no sex. we'll keep our memories." and then my hormones took over, and they made me type "yah, well ideally it would be cuddles, then lovin, then lots of cuddles. cos i dont think cuddling would be gratifying for you." and he was like "we'll see. but i like the way you think."
soooooo i dont know what to think. really. i was mad at first, then sad, then happy, then mad again, then happy. and its like UGH. i wanna see what happens when i see him again. i told him i'd take lots of pics in vegas and show him when he gets back from tour. so maybe ill see him mid-april. and so the whole time i was thinking are things gonna be different when i move home? but i know they wont.. i cant stop thinking about it though, once i start. so stupid for me to even imagine. they are touring all of july and ugust, half of june, and then europe in oct for 6 weeks. i soooo dont want him to go to europe. well i do but i dont. i want him here. i wanna go WITH him.
im wayyyy cold right now. i shall crossword and get a better blanket. later!
*there was something in the way you said never to call you again, and now i know i should have read between the lines back then. there were secrets that you almost kept that werent quite sifficient to show. but it finally hit me when you left my name off the suicide note. i shifted gears, i faced my fears, i cried some tears, i did a lot of heroin, it took so long, but now im movin on, now that you are gone.*
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