Tuesday, March 16, 2004
*believe me when i say this i mean it as time takes forever ill wait for the day we both arrive to the climax of our lives and that's good to know though ill be leaving you we'll carry on and into shades of grey again*
no motiv
so i wrote this big long blog last night and then aol shut down. i didnt feel like saying it all again.. so here i am. i got the new no motiv cd the other day, and im feelin sad when i listen to it. it reminds me sooo much of freshman year.. i hear it, and i think of tom and our soundtrack. inside, weston, the get up kids, no motiv, kid with manhead.. and i picture tom.. i picture him at a show, in the front row, wearing jeans and a tshirt with his trademark flannel, and i picture him with the long floppy hair, twirling a curl and dancing as he did, just kinda swaying with the music. or i picture him sitting in his chair, tapping his feet and twirling his hair (cos that was like a staple, tom is a twirler).. and i fucking miss it. there was no reason for dionne to ban me. i wasnt moving in on tom, i didnt wanna steal her man. we were just friends. there was nothing more, just cos i hugged him when chaz and i broke up.. dammit, i *needed* someone. it wasnt bc i was trying to move on him, he was one of my best friends and i was miserable. i was way drunk, it was like two days after we broke up, i got wasted at ryans and stumbled back to the dorms, and katie wanted to visit with tom and dennis.. its not like i jumped on him and kissed him, i hugged him. HUGGED. and i am NOT a boyfriend stealer. i am not a career picker upper of other peoples trash, like other people i know, or used to know.. he was my friend. but im so mad still, mad at him, bc dionne's friend always used to IM me, and she always said that dionne only suggested that he break ties with me, and that the decision was up to him. it hurts me to think about all the things we did together, and how much fun we had, and how that meant so little to him. people are so willing to throw away their friendships in order to have some relationship. or am i just disposible? it makes me mad. maybe mad isnt the right word. i mean, its not like my life hasnt gone on, or like i havent made new friends that i love to death, whom i might not have become friends with had i not ended various other relationships.. but. i mean, its just retarded how easy it is for humans to say goodbye to someone who was there for them, who was a good friend.. because someone else says so, or bc they want something else. anyway. on to happier things.............
like my $1400 tax return!!!!!!! im so psyched. im totally going on vacation. i talked to kim about it, and shes all about going away also.. she was saying she might go away with some HS people, but it turns out there are way many of them going, and shes not feeling that.. so she said she was gonna check on her funds.. all i want is someplace sunny. and so i figure southern CA is the best bet, as florida is rainy all the time. and it never rains in southern california. the song says so. therapy lady insists that florida isnt bad in april but i think shes lying. ive been there before. my mom wants me to go away with her, if i cant find anyone, which im WAY AGAINST cos she wants to go to south beach, and im like "hi, i can NOT spend a week with gross boys that make me wanna puke. thanks." so im kind of counting on kimberly right now. we soooo need to get out of here for a week, we have been talking about it for a YEAR. a year. seriously. we planned our crazy road trip about a year ago this time, bc i showed the itinerary to the enigma when we first hung out, and we started this whole fiasco about a year ago.. the first time anything happened was march 27, and i think we had hung out the week before that, too.. so i know that kim and i have been planning a getaway for a while and this is perfect. i told her that if she thought she didnt have the money right yet, i could front it, since im rich right now, and she could pay me back as long as its by july. we talked about going to vegas also. its not the beach, but its the desert, and anywhere we stay will have a pool, where we could get tan, and we could do that for way cheap cos they have packages for vegas, and we are two very cute girls who will have drinks bought for us (even though i dont drink.. i might make an exception. cos ive been drinking some beer lately. i need to stop that. you cant quit drinking and then just drink sometimes. it has to go away all together.) so yah. thats whats on the agenda. a fabulous vacation for miss kim and i, full of sun and fun and smiles and NOT NYC!
well anyway. im kind of tired. i just woke up from a short nap. i watched the king of queens, and now im going to hang out with benny for a wee bit before i commit to the books... maybe ill try to recap what was lost yesterday later. xoxo
no motiv
so i wrote this big long blog last night and then aol shut down. i didnt feel like saying it all again.. so here i am. i got the new no motiv cd the other day, and im feelin sad when i listen to it. it reminds me sooo much of freshman year.. i hear it, and i think of tom and our soundtrack. inside, weston, the get up kids, no motiv, kid with manhead.. and i picture tom.. i picture him at a show, in the front row, wearing jeans and a tshirt with his trademark flannel, and i picture him with the long floppy hair, twirling a curl and dancing as he did, just kinda swaying with the music. or i picture him sitting in his chair, tapping his feet and twirling his hair (cos that was like a staple, tom is a twirler).. and i fucking miss it. there was no reason for dionne to ban me. i wasnt moving in on tom, i didnt wanna steal her man. we were just friends. there was nothing more, just cos i hugged him when chaz and i broke up.. dammit, i *needed* someone. it wasnt bc i was trying to move on him, he was one of my best friends and i was miserable. i was way drunk, it was like two days after we broke up, i got wasted at ryans and stumbled back to the dorms, and katie wanted to visit with tom and dennis.. its not like i jumped on him and kissed him, i hugged him. HUGGED. and i am NOT a boyfriend stealer. i am not a career picker upper of other peoples trash, like other people i know, or used to know.. he was my friend. but im so mad still, mad at him, bc dionne's friend always used to IM me, and she always said that dionne only suggested that he break ties with me, and that the decision was up to him. it hurts me to think about all the things we did together, and how much fun we had, and how that meant so little to him. people are so willing to throw away their friendships in order to have some relationship. or am i just disposible? it makes me mad. maybe mad isnt the right word. i mean, its not like my life hasnt gone on, or like i havent made new friends that i love to death, whom i might not have become friends with had i not ended various other relationships.. but. i mean, its just retarded how easy it is for humans to say goodbye to someone who was there for them, who was a good friend.. because someone else says so, or bc they want something else. anyway. on to happier things.............
like my $1400 tax return!!!!!!! im so psyched. im totally going on vacation. i talked to kim about it, and shes all about going away also.. she was saying she might go away with some HS people, but it turns out there are way many of them going, and shes not feeling that.. so she said she was gonna check on her funds.. all i want is someplace sunny. and so i figure southern CA is the best bet, as florida is rainy all the time. and it never rains in southern california. the song says so. therapy lady insists that florida isnt bad in april but i think shes lying. ive been there before. my mom wants me to go away with her, if i cant find anyone, which im WAY AGAINST cos she wants to go to south beach, and im like "hi, i can NOT spend a week with gross boys that make me wanna puke. thanks." so im kind of counting on kimberly right now. we soooo need to get out of here for a week, we have been talking about it for a YEAR. a year. seriously. we planned our crazy road trip about a year ago this time, bc i showed the itinerary to the enigma when we first hung out, and we started this whole fiasco about a year ago.. the first time anything happened was march 27, and i think we had hung out the week before that, too.. so i know that kim and i have been planning a getaway for a while and this is perfect. i told her that if she thought she didnt have the money right yet, i could front it, since im rich right now, and she could pay me back as long as its by july. we talked about going to vegas also. its not the beach, but its the desert, and anywhere we stay will have a pool, where we could get tan, and we could do that for way cheap cos they have packages for vegas, and we are two very cute girls who will have drinks bought for us (even though i dont drink.. i might make an exception. cos ive been drinking some beer lately. i need to stop that. you cant quit drinking and then just drink sometimes. it has to go away all together.) so yah. thats whats on the agenda. a fabulous vacation for miss kim and i, full of sun and fun and smiles and NOT NYC!
well anyway. im kind of tired. i just woke up from a short nap. i watched the king of queens, and now im going to hang out with benny for a wee bit before i commit to the books... maybe ill try to recap what was lost yesterday later. xoxo
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