Sunday, January 06, 2008
let's be honest here. i'm crazy about this boy. 100% smitten. another amazing weekend. he came here yesterday, i made dinner. baked ziti and salad! we burned the garlic bread, it was funny. the dinner was great. he baked me a pie. a pecan pie. it was delicious. we were listening to my itunes on shuffle while eating, and his band came on. i was so embarrassed. but he laughed about it, and told me not to skip it. we made coffee and i forgot to put the cup in that the filter goes inside of.. so there was coffee all over the counter. we redid it, but it was way too much grinds, like sludge. so we had to make it a third time. we laughed a lot about this. we played dr. mario, watched the fourth quarter of the nets game (they won!), and then watched a perfect world. it was after 1am, and he asked if he was allowed to stay over. i said of course, but he'd have to sleep on the couch. i told him i was kidding, and i asked if he'd be ok with that. he said "i'd be fine with it, but i wouldn't prefer it." then he asked me if i would miss him if he slept on the couch. was this a glimpse of what we might become? that he has burgeoning feelings for me? we talked a lot, very funny conversations. he told me about how hard it is to find a good barber.. he said "i mean, you can't really go into a barber shop and expect them to understand when you say 'i want to look like morrissey.'" so cute. he also told me he'd washed his hair for that night. another glimpse? i reel. he wasn't kissing me, and i couldn't take it anymore, so i kissed him. amazing kisses. we went to bed, and i asked him if he wasn't kissing me so i would have to make the first move (last weekend i had admitted that i'm terrified of making first moves) and he said "the thought crossed my mind" in a very coy way. i think it's super cute that he did that. makes me think he's trying to help me grow. only i solely want to grow with him. this morning i woke up at 7 because i had to pee, and i was cold when i came back so he wrapped himself around me and said he was warming me up. all night we cuddled. there wasn't one time i woke up and we weren't entangled. we woke up at 9, and he said "we overslept! time to get up!" which made me laugh a lot. we fell back asleep until about 10, then we laid in bed cuddling and kissing until 11. we got up, he made coffee and cinnamon rolls, i went to 7-11 to get two new york times and when i came back he had loaded all of the dishes in the sink into the dishwasher. we spent 2 hours on the couch, leaning on each other, legs entwined, each doing our own crossword. we played dr. mario for another hour and a half. came back to the couch, cuddled and crossworded, watched the second half of the giants game. i told him that i would nominate him for best smelling man on the entire planet. and then i would campaign vigorously for his candidacy. i told him he could have a sash, and he'd have to make a speech. he asked if he could have a tiara. i explained that there are probably something like 2.9 billion men in the world, and that most of them probably don't smell that good, but that there are probably a couple million that smell ok. and that he smells better than any of them, ever. then it was 4:30, and he said he should go. i packed him up some leftovers. while i was in the bathroom, he washed out the coffee pot and did the miscellaneous dishes that were in the sink. what a catch! i walked him to his car, and it took us about 5 minutes to say goodbye. neither of us seemed particularly rushed for him to go. right before he left, i said "hey, so.. first weekend of 2008, pretty awesome!" and he agreed. he left the coffee here, which to me signals he'll be coming back. he and kasha got along brilliantly, and she spent more time in his lap than in mine (!!). i missed him immediately, but not in that needy, inseparable, unwhole type of way. the way that you just sort of would rather the person still be there. it's a good feeling. he texted me when he got home, and i thanked him for another awesome weekend. he agreed and said we'll do it again soon. i told him i would hold him to that.
so jan came over to get the details and watch one tree hill season 4. we ate pecan pie, she loved it, and i texted him to let him know. she said next time, she requests cherry pie. he replied that he'd never made that before, but just wait till summer for peach pie. with homemade crust. HE SAID SUMMER! that's like, 6 months away. and he is talking about making peach pie. in the SUMMER. i'm elated. i bet he thought nothing of that comment, it was just a thing he said without thinking of the implications it would have in my brain about maybe by summer we'd be seeing each other more often and he'd still be making me pie and.. and the possibilities. i can't let that go to my head, because i really would. i would be planning our wedding.
jan says she wouldn't be surprised if he took next weekend off. i guess i wouldn't be surprised, either. there is nothing serious going on here, and he has stated that he isn't sure that he is able to make an emotional commitment. i'd be ok if he didn't invite me to hang out next weekend, but i'd miss him a lot.
here's the thing: being with him feels natural. there is nothing better, nothing easier. sitting on the couch together, doing crosswords.. it just feels right. like it's the way it should be. the way we lean into each other, and he puts his arm around my leg and his foot on my foot. the way we just sit and talk, and he'll sporadically kiss me. on the shoulder, on the neck, on the mouth. he is an amazing kisser. the past two sundays have been the most perfect days ever.
i didn't ask him about any potential for growth. it crossed my mind a few times, but it never felt right. i don't want to push him, nor do i want him to feel pushed. i can live with the way things are now. i feel like if i were to betray that i had feelings for him that were progressing more rapidly than he could handle, he would tell me. i don't think he would string me along. he's not the type and i don't think he would ever intentionally hurt me. it will be impossible for me to not betray these emotions at some point. but at this point, those emotions are not present. i just like this. i like him. i don't have an intense need for him to be more than he can be to me. i'd like it, yes, but i'm still in the stage where i can handle everything just the way it is.
the fact of the matter is he likes me. this is obvious. as much as i have a hard time believing that he could really, truly like me, he does. it may not be glittering intense love, but there is something there and it could grow into something beautiful. if he didn't like me, he wouldn't be so tender. he wouldn't look at me with such a look of sincerity. he wouldn't have wanted to come out and spend the night with me. he wouldn't have asked if i'd miss him if he slept on the sofa. he wouldn't have baked me a pie. he wouldn't kiss me so sweetly with no intentions of moving to another level of physicality in that moment. he'd have stayed home and battled his chest cold alone. he wouldn't have mentioned summer. he wouldn't have taken a chance on me. these are glaringly obvious facts that my psyche can't deny, as much as it is in disbelief. and right now i am content to accept that he does like me, and that it may not grow into what i'd like it to, but that right now it's awesome.
and on that note, i need sleep. so i can hopefully have sweet dreams of the most gorgeous man i know being here with me. and how sweet those dreams might be...
so jan came over to get the details and watch one tree hill season 4. we ate pecan pie, she loved it, and i texted him to let him know. she said next time, she requests cherry pie. he replied that he'd never made that before, but just wait till summer for peach pie. with homemade crust. HE SAID SUMMER! that's like, 6 months away. and he is talking about making peach pie. in the SUMMER. i'm elated. i bet he thought nothing of that comment, it was just a thing he said without thinking of the implications it would have in my brain about maybe by summer we'd be seeing each other more often and he'd still be making me pie and.. and the possibilities. i can't let that go to my head, because i really would. i would be planning our wedding.
jan says she wouldn't be surprised if he took next weekend off. i guess i wouldn't be surprised, either. there is nothing serious going on here, and he has stated that he isn't sure that he is able to make an emotional commitment. i'd be ok if he didn't invite me to hang out next weekend, but i'd miss him a lot.
here's the thing: being with him feels natural. there is nothing better, nothing easier. sitting on the couch together, doing crosswords.. it just feels right. like it's the way it should be. the way we lean into each other, and he puts his arm around my leg and his foot on my foot. the way we just sit and talk, and he'll sporadically kiss me. on the shoulder, on the neck, on the mouth. he is an amazing kisser. the past two sundays have been the most perfect days ever.
i didn't ask him about any potential for growth. it crossed my mind a few times, but it never felt right. i don't want to push him, nor do i want him to feel pushed. i can live with the way things are now. i feel like if i were to betray that i had feelings for him that were progressing more rapidly than he could handle, he would tell me. i don't think he would string me along. he's not the type and i don't think he would ever intentionally hurt me. it will be impossible for me to not betray these emotions at some point. but at this point, those emotions are not present. i just like this. i like him. i don't have an intense need for him to be more than he can be to me. i'd like it, yes, but i'm still in the stage where i can handle everything just the way it is.
the fact of the matter is he likes me. this is obvious. as much as i have a hard time believing that he could really, truly like me, he does. it may not be glittering intense love, but there is something there and it could grow into something beautiful. if he didn't like me, he wouldn't be so tender. he wouldn't look at me with such a look of sincerity. he wouldn't have wanted to come out and spend the night with me. he wouldn't have asked if i'd miss him if he slept on the sofa. he wouldn't have baked me a pie. he wouldn't kiss me so sweetly with no intentions of moving to another level of physicality in that moment. he'd have stayed home and battled his chest cold alone. he wouldn't have mentioned summer. he wouldn't have taken a chance on me. these are glaringly obvious facts that my psyche can't deny, as much as it is in disbelief. and right now i am content to accept that he does like me, and that it may not grow into what i'd like it to, but that right now it's awesome.
and on that note, i need sleep. so i can hopefully have sweet dreams of the most gorgeous man i know being here with me. and how sweet those dreams might be...
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