Tuesday, January 08, 2008
you are the best one off the best ones
we all look like we feel
you have stolen my
you have stolen my
you have stolen my heart
dashboard confessional
it's true. my heart has been stolen.
but i have other things to talk about tonight. so i sign onto myspace before and it said mike has updated his profile information. i look at it, and he's in a relationship. this confuses me, as i have heard nothing about it. so i IM him to find out what's up and apparently tina has been pressuring him because they are still dating. ooook. but this somehow gets him asking about US. and the potential that we could work things out. that potential does not exist and i don't want to talk about it. but i have to. the honest truth is that i don't think we are in love, but jan says that's harsh. the facts are this: we were together for just over a year and a half. for that time, we were happy for like 6 months, maybe 7, but then when we moved in together, things rapidly fell apart. we each had needs the other couldn't meet. we made lists of things we needed to work on. neither of us could correct the issues, yet we continued to work on them for a year. we got progressively more unhappy until neither of us could do it anymore. but he still has feelings for me. we broke up in november 2006. i moved out december 3, 2006. that was 13 months ago. things are good between us, we have a solid friendship and that is great. but that is it. that is IT. i love him, but i'm not in love with him. i thin that when he thinks back on us, he sees the good stuff, the first 6 months when we were generally happy and everything felt right. but it could not work, and i think he has lost sight of that. we argued about this, because i wasn't prepared for the discussion, and i didn't want to continue talking about it while i had company. jan was here. i didn't really want to talk about it on AIM. but i also don't want to talk about it on thursday, so i'm not going to bring it up. i wonder if he will. often we decide we'll talk about things at another time, but then we don't ever bring it up. when it does come up, i don't know if i should tell him about stephan. maybe it's time. i'm moving on. i'm sorry if tina isn't right for him, but he needs to move on as well. ugh. this is more than i can handle right now. i'm feeling a lot of anxiety. it's not cool.
anyway. one tree hill season 5 premiered tonight. it was the anti-dramatic, which was a big boo. i'm hoping they bring the drama later in the season. they set it up, but failed to deliver anything that made me cry or feel intense. so that was sucky. they had two hours to make me feel something, and they did not. tears.
i'm starting to wonder about things with steve. he doesn't text me or anything. does this mean he doesn't think about me? or that he's trying to maintain space? jan said that i'm not texting him, but i'm thinking of him. i guess she has a point. i'm going to call him tomorrow to see how he's feeling and just say hi... i will probably have a lot of anxiety about making the phone call..... but i'll do it. i figure if i talk to him tomorrow, it will give him an opportunity to ask me to hang out this weekend if he wants to. or he can not ask, and that would be ok with me. it'll have been two full days since we talked. the last time we texted was sunday night. that means all day yesterday and all day today we had no contact. if i call him at like 7:45 tomorrow, it'll be like 72 hours! that's not like i'm smothering him or being intense. if we were moving more quickly, we'd talk more than every third day. heather said i should just text him tomorrow, but i don't know. i'd rather just call. chat. every time we talk it goes on for like an hour. and if he doesn't wanna talk or he's busy, he doesn't have to answer. i can simply leave him a message like "hey. i was just wondering how yr feeling. gimme a call back if you want, otherwise we'll talk soon." argh. i can't handle all of this.
i don't know what my problem is, but i feel like for the past day or so i have been thinking that nothing good is going to come of this whole thing with steve. this should make me want to distance myself, but i don't know. for some reason, i'm a sucker for a broken heart and i like to put myself in the line of fire. i just want something real for once. but i only connect with guys that have a path of resistance. i think there's something wrong with me. possibly this is just my brain being dysfunctional. it's possible that tomorrow we will have a lovely conversation. i shouldn't think so hard about these things. maybe i need to learn to go with the flow. but i went with the flow with tom and i landed in a rip current.
i can't handle ANY of this.
we all look like we feel
you have stolen my
you have stolen my
you have stolen my heart
dashboard confessional
it's true. my heart has been stolen.
but i have other things to talk about tonight. so i sign onto myspace before and it said mike has updated his profile information. i look at it, and he's in a relationship. this confuses me, as i have heard nothing about it. so i IM him to find out what's up and apparently tina has been pressuring him because they are still dating. ooook. but this somehow gets him asking about US. and the potential that we could work things out. that potential does not exist and i don't want to talk about it. but i have to. the honest truth is that i don't think we are in love, but jan says that's harsh. the facts are this: we were together for just over a year and a half. for that time, we were happy for like 6 months, maybe 7, but then when we moved in together, things rapidly fell apart. we each had needs the other couldn't meet. we made lists of things we needed to work on. neither of us could correct the issues, yet we continued to work on them for a year. we got progressively more unhappy until neither of us could do it anymore. but he still has feelings for me. we broke up in november 2006. i moved out december 3, 2006. that was 13 months ago. things are good between us, we have a solid friendship and that is great. but that is it. that is IT. i love him, but i'm not in love with him. i thin that when he thinks back on us, he sees the good stuff, the first 6 months when we were generally happy and everything felt right. but it could not work, and i think he has lost sight of that. we argued about this, because i wasn't prepared for the discussion, and i didn't want to continue talking about it while i had company. jan was here. i didn't really want to talk about it on AIM. but i also don't want to talk about it on thursday, so i'm not going to bring it up. i wonder if he will. often we decide we'll talk about things at another time, but then we don't ever bring it up. when it does come up, i don't know if i should tell him about stephan. maybe it's time. i'm moving on. i'm sorry if tina isn't right for him, but he needs to move on as well. ugh. this is more than i can handle right now. i'm feeling a lot of anxiety. it's not cool.
anyway. one tree hill season 5 premiered tonight. it was the anti-dramatic, which was a big boo. i'm hoping they bring the drama later in the season. they set it up, but failed to deliver anything that made me cry or feel intense. so that was sucky. they had two hours to make me feel something, and they did not. tears.
i'm starting to wonder about things with steve. he doesn't text me or anything. does this mean he doesn't think about me? or that he's trying to maintain space? jan said that i'm not texting him, but i'm thinking of him. i guess she has a point. i'm going to call him tomorrow to see how he's feeling and just say hi... i will probably have a lot of anxiety about making the phone call..... but i'll do it. i figure if i talk to him tomorrow, it will give him an opportunity to ask me to hang out this weekend if he wants to. or he can not ask, and that would be ok with me. it'll have been two full days since we talked. the last time we texted was sunday night. that means all day yesterday and all day today we had no contact. if i call him at like 7:45 tomorrow, it'll be like 72 hours! that's not like i'm smothering him or being intense. if we were moving more quickly, we'd talk more than every third day. heather said i should just text him tomorrow, but i don't know. i'd rather just call. chat. every time we talk it goes on for like an hour. and if he doesn't wanna talk or he's busy, he doesn't have to answer. i can simply leave him a message like "hey. i was just wondering how yr feeling. gimme a call back if you want, otherwise we'll talk soon." argh. i can't handle all of this.
i don't know what my problem is, but i feel like for the past day or so i have been thinking that nothing good is going to come of this whole thing with steve. this should make me want to distance myself, but i don't know. for some reason, i'm a sucker for a broken heart and i like to put myself in the line of fire. i just want something real for once. but i only connect with guys that have a path of resistance. i think there's something wrong with me. possibly this is just my brain being dysfunctional. it's possible that tomorrow we will have a lovely conversation. i shouldn't think so hard about these things. maybe i need to learn to go with the flow. but i went with the flow with tom and i landed in a rip current.
i can't handle ANY of this.
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