Monday, January 14, 2008
what a lovely weekend. what a lovely boy.
i'm pretty tired and i'd like to go to bed soon, but i must record my weekend since it's monday and tomorrow jan will be here. lately i've been worrying that someday my blog may disappear. since i only write it for me, this would be devastating. i wonder if i can somehow back it up...
anyway, i got to steve's at 7 on saturday. i made a lovely lemon meringue pie. YUM. i got there, we went out to pick up some tex-mex food in upper montclair. brought it back to his apartment and ate while listening to music. he played some guitar. we read a bunch of his favorite poems - sigfreid sassoon and ted hughes. we were going to watch behind the lines, a movie about sassoon, but it was too depressing so we watched a woody allen movie, play it again, sam instead. he was pretty distant and pensive all night. after the movie, we were laying on the couch in the dark and he was staring at the ceiling. i started to feel nervous. i didn't really know why, since when i came out from the bathroom he was laying on the couch and when i talked about needing a photocopy of the album insert for one of his records for my tattoo, he said he didn't know if the photocopy place downstairs was open on sundays, thereby making it known he intended for me to stay.. anyway, so he brought up that he was distant. and i said i'd noticed, but didn't want to pry. he told me that reading the poems and then turning on the movie brought back some weird things to him and it was heavy and on his mind. he said he was trying to be very honest with me, and thought he'd been doing a good job of it. he said he didn't want to talk about the "past traumas" but maybe he would tell me one day.. i told him that i was there for him, and that i will never pry about what's up. he seemed to like that answer. it was honest. i'm not a prier. but anyway we talked for a while, and then we got ready for bed. went to bed, and he was still distant. he didn't try to fool around or anything. told me that there is a lot of anxiety around bedtime sometimes because he has nightmares. i told him i wished there was something i could do to make it all go away. he said it wasn't possible, and i told him that it didn't stop me from wishing. i tried to get his mind off things by talking about ducklings, bunnies, and kittens. he told me he probably wouldn't fall asleep for a while, and i said i would probably be awake until he fell asleep... we were laying there, and i said "do you wanna hear a secret?" and he said "yes" so i said "i'm really happy that i know you again." he asked why, and i said "because yr awesome. you just amaze me. you always have." he didn't really respond besides to kiss me and smile. so i started to feel weird because he didn't say that he was happy to know me again or anything.. so i told him that i felt kinda weird about having said that. he said that i should feel good about it. i asked why, and he said i would feel good about it once i realized there were no consequences. i guess that means that i haven't scared him off. but it was still a little disconcerting to open myself up to him and have him remain closed. i got kinda weird about things and i was laying on my back, not cuddling. he had his back to me because previously we'd been spooning with me behind him. but after a minute he turned and wrapped himself around me. we eventually fell asleep. we were rudely awoken by random screaming outside at 530. took a while to fall back asleep. we woke up around 830 and he was pleasant again. he was very cuddly all night, and then again in the morning. we laid in bed for a while, fooled around a bunch. finally got up around 11. he bought a new suit saturday for work and he put it on for me. then he put on his favorite suit to show me. he told me we should have a dress up day one day. that made me happy. we walked to get the paper, he in his suit and me in jeans. it was cute. we went back to his apartment, made the coffee and cinnamon rolls. pulled out our crossword puzzles. we watched the colts/chargers game and did our puzzles, sitting together. when we took breaks he had his legs on me, laying on the couch. i really loved it. he kept explaining the game to me, calling penalties before they were told by the referees and being ridiculously adorable. he told me we were rooting for the colts, and that our favorite defensive player was #21, bob sanders. verrry cute. then we watched the giants beat the cowboys. made out a lot during half time. i think he was ready to have his evening to himself after half time, but i didn't wanna miss it having learned so much. he started to iron his new suit and shirts, and made himself a pork chop. he said that next time he was going to draw up plays for me, using X's and O's. so adorable! we talked a bit more, about how he has to do stuff even when he doesn't want to to keep busy and all the stuff that's important to him not having a drink. i told him that i admire him, and that i believe in him. i said "i don't know how much this counts" and he assured me it did. again i felt a little awkward about having paid him compliments and having none returned. i left as soon as the game ended because i knew he needed his time. also i was anxious to get out of there for fear of what else i might say to make myself vulnerable. i didn't want to go though. it was raining when i left, and that made me sad. i hate driving in the rain, and we couldn't have a lingering goodbye because we were getting all wet. i texted him when i got home to tell him, and i said thanks again for a great weekend, and sorry for any weirdness related to my insecurities. he said "i had a great time also. no need to apologize for anything. i would tell you if i thought you were weird.." so then i said something else probably like i made it in record time or something, and he said "well done! i'll see you soon. enjoy yr evening, you might have tomorrow off!" but i didn't. no snow day. boo.
so i don't know. i didn't bring anything about us up despite jan's urging me to do so for a couple reasons. first, he had heavy stuff on his mind and i didn't want to complicate it, having understood it when he said he didn't know if he was able to make an emotional commitment at this juncture. second, he made multiple references to the future. maybe not the distant future, but still the future. i had said i was going to have to stop eating so much pie if i didn't wanna get any more squishy and he said he would keep feeding me pie to plump me up for when he cooks me in soup. haha. when we were messing around i said something about myself and he said "well, we'll just have to practice together." he talked about future football watching (though the season ends with next weeks championships and then the super bowl in 3 weeks). he said perhaps one day he'd tell me about his past traumas. he talked about a dress up day. he got super psyched about my tattoo (he said it would be hot haha). he bought more of the cologne i love so much. he netflixed wordplay for us to watch together. he also mentioned my birthday as if cataloging the date so he'd remember (it's somewhat soon). and when we were driving to get the food, i told him that i'd told my mom about his relationship with my cat, and she'd said the real challenge was meeting HER cat, and he said "i'm ready, bring it on" or something to that effect. oh, and when we were doing our crosswords and watching football, his friend mark called, and it was cute because he was trying to get off the phone because he thought he was being rude, and i couldn't hear mark, but i could tell from steve's very short responses that he was asking if i was still there, and if i was right there. he was like "i'm busy" then "yes, and i'm being rude" then "like RIGHT here". so his friends know about me. but all of this still means nothing considering that i have no idea what his intentions are. i'd like to believe that we'll continue on for a while until he is ready to make an emotional commitment. i don't want to pressure him. this i keep repeating. but at the same time, i don't want to get strung along. i suppose that time will tell, and if time doesn't begin to give me any answers, i will make mention of the amount of time that has elapsed that things have been going on, and wonder aloud what his intentions are. he knows he can trust me, and i think i've done a great job of being supportive. i really care about him, and i know that to show this i have to allow him to have the self time that he needs to figure everything out. but on the other hand, i'm not getting any younger and i'd like to know if this is exclusive at some point, what our status is.. am i seeing someone? am i in a relationship? or is this a friends with benefits scenario? i don't feel like it's the latter since he holds my hand like constantly and is super affectionate. i wish we talked more during the week because that would make me feel more confident, but.. if this is what he needs, then i should let him be. i need to think of myself eventually, but right now.. i'm happy.
ok. it's 11. need bed. night!
i'm pretty tired and i'd like to go to bed soon, but i must record my weekend since it's monday and tomorrow jan will be here. lately i've been worrying that someday my blog may disappear. since i only write it for me, this would be devastating. i wonder if i can somehow back it up...
anyway, i got to steve's at 7 on saturday. i made a lovely lemon meringue pie. YUM. i got there, we went out to pick up some tex-mex food in upper montclair. brought it back to his apartment and ate while listening to music. he played some guitar. we read a bunch of his favorite poems - sigfreid sassoon and ted hughes. we were going to watch behind the lines, a movie about sassoon, but it was too depressing so we watched a woody allen movie, play it again, sam instead. he was pretty distant and pensive all night. after the movie, we were laying on the couch in the dark and he was staring at the ceiling. i started to feel nervous. i didn't really know why, since when i came out from the bathroom he was laying on the couch and when i talked about needing a photocopy of the album insert for one of his records for my tattoo, he said he didn't know if the photocopy place downstairs was open on sundays, thereby making it known he intended for me to stay.. anyway, so he brought up that he was distant. and i said i'd noticed, but didn't want to pry. he told me that reading the poems and then turning on the movie brought back some weird things to him and it was heavy and on his mind. he said he was trying to be very honest with me, and thought he'd been doing a good job of it. he said he didn't want to talk about the "past traumas" but maybe he would tell me one day.. i told him that i was there for him, and that i will never pry about what's up. he seemed to like that answer. it was honest. i'm not a prier. but anyway we talked for a while, and then we got ready for bed. went to bed, and he was still distant. he didn't try to fool around or anything. told me that there is a lot of anxiety around bedtime sometimes because he has nightmares. i told him i wished there was something i could do to make it all go away. he said it wasn't possible, and i told him that it didn't stop me from wishing. i tried to get his mind off things by talking about ducklings, bunnies, and kittens. he told me he probably wouldn't fall asleep for a while, and i said i would probably be awake until he fell asleep... we were laying there, and i said "do you wanna hear a secret?" and he said "yes" so i said "i'm really happy that i know you again." he asked why, and i said "because yr awesome. you just amaze me. you always have." he didn't really respond besides to kiss me and smile. so i started to feel weird because he didn't say that he was happy to know me again or anything.. so i told him that i felt kinda weird about having said that. he said that i should feel good about it. i asked why, and he said i would feel good about it once i realized there were no consequences. i guess that means that i haven't scared him off. but it was still a little disconcerting to open myself up to him and have him remain closed. i got kinda weird about things and i was laying on my back, not cuddling. he had his back to me because previously we'd been spooning with me behind him. but after a minute he turned and wrapped himself around me. we eventually fell asleep. we were rudely awoken by random screaming outside at 530. took a while to fall back asleep. we woke up around 830 and he was pleasant again. he was very cuddly all night, and then again in the morning. we laid in bed for a while, fooled around a bunch. finally got up around 11. he bought a new suit saturday for work and he put it on for me. then he put on his favorite suit to show me. he told me we should have a dress up day one day. that made me happy. we walked to get the paper, he in his suit and me in jeans. it was cute. we went back to his apartment, made the coffee and cinnamon rolls. pulled out our crossword puzzles. we watched the colts/chargers game and did our puzzles, sitting together. when we took breaks he had his legs on me, laying on the couch. i really loved it. he kept explaining the game to me, calling penalties before they were told by the referees and being ridiculously adorable. he told me we were rooting for the colts, and that our favorite defensive player was #21, bob sanders. verrry cute. then we watched the giants beat the cowboys. made out a lot during half time. i think he was ready to have his evening to himself after half time, but i didn't wanna miss it having learned so much. he started to iron his new suit and shirts, and made himself a pork chop. he said that next time he was going to draw up plays for me, using X's and O's. so adorable! we talked a bit more, about how he has to do stuff even when he doesn't want to to keep busy and all the stuff that's important to him not having a drink. i told him that i admire him, and that i believe in him. i said "i don't know how much this counts" and he assured me it did. again i felt a little awkward about having paid him compliments and having none returned. i left as soon as the game ended because i knew he needed his time. also i was anxious to get out of there for fear of what else i might say to make myself vulnerable. i didn't want to go though. it was raining when i left, and that made me sad. i hate driving in the rain, and we couldn't have a lingering goodbye because we were getting all wet. i texted him when i got home to tell him, and i said thanks again for a great weekend, and sorry for any weirdness related to my insecurities. he said "i had a great time also. no need to apologize for anything. i would tell you if i thought you were weird.." so then i said something else probably like i made it in record time or something, and he said "well done! i'll see you soon. enjoy yr evening, you might have tomorrow off!" but i didn't. no snow day. boo.
so i don't know. i didn't bring anything about us up despite jan's urging me to do so for a couple reasons. first, he had heavy stuff on his mind and i didn't want to complicate it, having understood it when he said he didn't know if he was able to make an emotional commitment at this juncture. second, he made multiple references to the future. maybe not the distant future, but still the future. i had said i was going to have to stop eating so much pie if i didn't wanna get any more squishy and he said he would keep feeding me pie to plump me up for when he cooks me in soup. haha. when we were messing around i said something about myself and he said "well, we'll just have to practice together." he talked about future football watching (though the season ends with next weeks championships and then the super bowl in 3 weeks). he said perhaps one day he'd tell me about his past traumas. he talked about a dress up day. he got super psyched about my tattoo (he said it would be hot haha). he bought more of the cologne i love so much. he netflixed wordplay for us to watch together. he also mentioned my birthday as if cataloging the date so he'd remember (it's somewhat soon). and when we were driving to get the food, i told him that i'd told my mom about his relationship with my cat, and she'd said the real challenge was meeting HER cat, and he said "i'm ready, bring it on" or something to that effect. oh, and when we were doing our crosswords and watching football, his friend mark called, and it was cute because he was trying to get off the phone because he thought he was being rude, and i couldn't hear mark, but i could tell from steve's very short responses that he was asking if i was still there, and if i was right there. he was like "i'm busy" then "yes, and i'm being rude" then "like RIGHT here". so his friends know about me. but all of this still means nothing considering that i have no idea what his intentions are. i'd like to believe that we'll continue on for a while until he is ready to make an emotional commitment. i don't want to pressure him. this i keep repeating. but at the same time, i don't want to get strung along. i suppose that time will tell, and if time doesn't begin to give me any answers, i will make mention of the amount of time that has elapsed that things have been going on, and wonder aloud what his intentions are. he knows he can trust me, and i think i've done a great job of being supportive. i really care about him, and i know that to show this i have to allow him to have the self time that he needs to figure everything out. but on the other hand, i'm not getting any younger and i'd like to know if this is exclusive at some point, what our status is.. am i seeing someone? am i in a relationship? or is this a friends with benefits scenario? i don't feel like it's the latter since he holds my hand like constantly and is super affectionate. i wish we talked more during the week because that would make me feel more confident, but.. if this is what he needs, then i should let him be. i need to think of myself eventually, but right now.. i'm happy.
ok. it's 11. need bed. night!
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