Wednesday, January 30, 2008
ugh.
i'm starting to not enjoy my own company so much anymore. i'm bored all the time. i think i've seen every episode of law & order and without a trace. i'm tired. all the time. but i can't go to bed at 8:45. i have to stay up like two more hours.
i'm thinking i might not get to see steve this weekend. this doesn't make me sad, per se, but it makes me feel a little disappointed. he hasn't said so yet, but he said he had some things to do and he didn't know how they would end up scheduled. i figure i won't hear from him about it until tomorrow or friday. i can't complain, we have spent the last 5 weekends in a row together.. but. i can barely handle having to go 5 or 6 days without seeing him! it's wednesday now, so if i see him saturday i still have 2 and a half days before i can hug him and smell him and kiss him and just be happy in his presence. but if he's busy this weekend, then i have to wait 9 and a half more days. killer. tonight we texted a little about dress up day and we're going to go out for dinner with the $100 i won on a $2 scratch off. but i said i was excited, and he didn't respond. whatever. i can't get insecure, i know he likes me and if we don't see each other this weekend it is not the end of the world. i guess i wish he would invite me to the things he does with his friends. that would be nice.. but he doesn't. so i don't know. i mean, on sunday we talked about meeting my mom's cat and he definitely was like "bring it on" but i feel like i would want to meet some of the people in his life before he meets my mom. i don't know if we'll get there. what am i saying? it's been a month. obviously these things take time. and we're progressing. but i guess i just get discouraged when our text conversations are really tame and i say somewhat cute things and he doesn't. i'm stupid.
otherwise i'm just tired and pretty cranky. my back is hurting. i have to stay up for like another hour and a half. i want something to do. i have things to do, i could do a crossword or something. but it's not fun. nothing is fun tonight. i am starting to get into a bad place again and that could be bad. i'm thinking more and more about smoking pot. not that it would really help the situation. i'd still be bored, only i would also be stoned.
tomorrow is the lost season premiere. i will watch it with mike. so tomorrow night i will not have to be lonely, but it's likely i might still feel lonely even in the presence of others. what i really need is to get back into therapy. maybe i need meds. i don't like the way i feel. i don't like that i have a good thing going and i still feel really hopeless. i only feel good when i'm with him. what i need is to KNOW what he's thinking. i can hypothesize and i'm pretty sure i'm feeling good about what i think he's thinking, but who knows. i have to focus on the fact that he alludes to the future. that he told his sponsor guy about me. that he's spent the last five weekends with me.
i have a feeling that if we don't see each other this weekend, i'll get really insecure and hopeless. which would be absurd since he wants to have dress up day, and the other day said we should do more puzzles together soon. and he's the one who told me he would let me know about the weekend in a couple days. so. obviously it's on his mind. and maybe he'll try to schedule the weekend so as to have time to spend saturday night with me. maybe we will just have to meet up later than usual. maybe he'll come over here around 8 or 9 instead of having dinner with me.
ugh. i can't even think about this. i just want MY BED. i want my bed my bed my bed. i want to fast forward time and sleep. i just want to not have to think about anything anymore.
i'm starting to not enjoy my own company so much anymore. i'm bored all the time. i think i've seen every episode of law & order and without a trace. i'm tired. all the time. but i can't go to bed at 8:45. i have to stay up like two more hours.
i'm thinking i might not get to see steve this weekend. this doesn't make me sad, per se, but it makes me feel a little disappointed. he hasn't said so yet, but he said he had some things to do and he didn't know how they would end up scheduled. i figure i won't hear from him about it until tomorrow or friday. i can't complain, we have spent the last 5 weekends in a row together.. but. i can barely handle having to go 5 or 6 days without seeing him! it's wednesday now, so if i see him saturday i still have 2 and a half days before i can hug him and smell him and kiss him and just be happy in his presence. but if he's busy this weekend, then i have to wait 9 and a half more days. killer. tonight we texted a little about dress up day and we're going to go out for dinner with the $100 i won on a $2 scratch off. but i said i was excited, and he didn't respond. whatever. i can't get insecure, i know he likes me and if we don't see each other this weekend it is not the end of the world. i guess i wish he would invite me to the things he does with his friends. that would be nice.. but he doesn't. so i don't know. i mean, on sunday we talked about meeting my mom's cat and he definitely was like "bring it on" but i feel like i would want to meet some of the people in his life before he meets my mom. i don't know if we'll get there. what am i saying? it's been a month. obviously these things take time. and we're progressing. but i guess i just get discouraged when our text conversations are really tame and i say somewhat cute things and he doesn't. i'm stupid.
otherwise i'm just tired and pretty cranky. my back is hurting. i have to stay up for like another hour and a half. i want something to do. i have things to do, i could do a crossword or something. but it's not fun. nothing is fun tonight. i am starting to get into a bad place again and that could be bad. i'm thinking more and more about smoking pot. not that it would really help the situation. i'd still be bored, only i would also be stoned.
tomorrow is the lost season premiere. i will watch it with mike. so tomorrow night i will not have to be lonely, but it's likely i might still feel lonely even in the presence of others. what i really need is to get back into therapy. maybe i need meds. i don't like the way i feel. i don't like that i have a good thing going and i still feel really hopeless. i only feel good when i'm with him. what i need is to KNOW what he's thinking. i can hypothesize and i'm pretty sure i'm feeling good about what i think he's thinking, but who knows. i have to focus on the fact that he alludes to the future. that he told his sponsor guy about me. that he's spent the last five weekends with me.
i have a feeling that if we don't see each other this weekend, i'll get really insecure and hopeless. which would be absurd since he wants to have dress up day, and the other day said we should do more puzzles together soon. and he's the one who told me he would let me know about the weekend in a couple days. so. obviously it's on his mind. and maybe he'll try to schedule the weekend so as to have time to spend saturday night with me. maybe we will just have to meet up later than usual. maybe he'll come over here around 8 or 9 instead of having dinner with me.
ugh. i can't even think about this. i just want MY BED. i want my bed my bed my bed. i want to fast forward time and sleep. i just want to not have to think about anything anymore.
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