Monday, January 28, 2008
another lovely weekend. first off, i got to his apartment and he was cooking dinner! he made quiche and roasted veggies. the quiche was delicious! i thought it was sweet that he thought, "she likes cheese, and eggs, and broccoli" and came up with quiche. very cute. he loved the crossword i made him, but refused to solve it without first photocopying it and doing the puzzle on the photocopy. we watched some of deconstructing harry but ended up making out half way through. i was laying on the couch, with my head on his lap, and i turned my head up to kiss him, and we were kissing, and he would stop and just look at me. just looking. if i didn't know better, i would say the look in his eyes was love. or something like love. it wasn't lust or any other emotion that has to do with exactly what we were doing. it was just .. a look full of kindness and tenderness and all these really sweet emotions. it was wonderful. we went to bed and woke up around 945. he got up without me this time and went to get the times. while he was gone i made the bed and washed the dishes. he came back and had bought me juice! so thoughtful. we ate cinnamon rolls and drank coffee. we finished the puzzle with a little help from each other. listened to a bunch of music, and he made lunch out of bread and eggs. he like made a hole in the italian bread and dropped eggs in. it was delicious. listened to more music, watched shoot 'em up, which was surprisingly a good movie. then he was a little weird. i kissed him and he stopped, saying he was in a weird position, and then instead of fixing it, he just laid on top of me with his face like far away. so i could tell something was up. i finally asked what was going on, and he said he was thinking about drinking. he said that listening to the stuff we'd listened to brought back memories of drinking and being drunk and he wanted to drink. so i asked him what are all the things in his life that he's grateful for now that he's sober, and he began listing things. i was trying to cheer him up a little, get his mind off of it, and i told him that i thought i'd figured out my f5 tornado dream. i told him that i think that the point of the dream was that i feel safe with him, because the tornado was coming but i wasn't scared. i felt ok and good. he held my hand, but didn't say much. so i admitted that saying that made me feel vulnerable. he said that i have a choice, and that if i feel like vulnerable, like that i'm telling him secrets and he is treating me badly, that i have the choice to leave. he didn't mean it in the right now sense, he meant it in the long run. but i am a girl and all i heard was "choice to leave". so i got really insecure, and i told him i felt vulnerable because i'm always telling him that i have these feelings and he doesn't tell me anything. and he said "i don't tell you?" and i said "i don't know." so it kind of dampened the mood. the worst part was that he was leaving to go to a meeting and we didn't really have time to talk about things. i said "i know you think i'm hot. but honestly, that doesn't go far with me because i've heard that a lot, and mostly it was because i was naked, not because it mattered." i went and put in my contacts and i came back out and he wasn't talking. so i got nervous. and as we were leaving, i said "it's not just because i'm naked, right?" and he was like, squaring his jaw, and he said "what did i tell you yesterday when you put on yr pajamas?" (they were my regular fleece pants and huge long-sleeved weston shirt pajama combo) and i said "you said i looked cute" and he just nodded. so that was his way. i thought he was angry because of the jaw-squaring, but he insisted he wasn't. he walked me to my car and we said goodbye. i apologized for being a weirdo, and he said i had nothing to be sorry for, and that i need to learn to stop apologizing. so i left. and i called jan, convinced i'd fucked up. but we talked for like 45 minutes and she got me thinking straight again. so when i got home, i texted him to call me when he got home from his meeting. he called at like 9:20 last night, and he asked what was up. so i asked about the meeting, and asked if he felt better.. he told me all about the meeting, and how he felt much better because there was an old guy there celebrating 30 years of sobriety, and that makes him so much more hopeful. so he asked again what was up, and i said i had just wanted to check on him, and that after thinking about things, i realize that i DO know what he thinks and how he feels because he shows me. he said he was really glad i said that because he was worried that i really DIDN'T know. he said he has a hard time saying things, and that was something he'd have to work on, being able to tell me what he feels instead of just showing it. he said he needs to find a middle ground between saying and showing. i confessed that i'm really insecure, and i told him about the misunderstanding due to his telling me if i felt vulnerable i could leave. he understood completely, which was really nice. then he told me that he had called his sponsor back before he called me (he had called him while i was there, and that's who had urged him to attend a meeting that night) and had told him that we were talking about his feeling like he wanted to drink, and the first thing i'd asked was what he was grateful for. he told me he'd said to the guy "man, she's pretty good!". so that was a small way of letting me know how he feels. he also explained to me that sometimes he's going to feel like this, and that as much as i can help him to be ok, he's probably just going to have to go to a meeting. i told him i totally understood that and he seemed pleased. so he's obviously intending on keeping me around for a little while. i'm happy because we made it through our first little rough spot/misunderstanding and we were able to be honest with each other and work it out. i guess i'll always be insecure until i know to what extent he wants me in his life. i'm sure eventually it will have to come up, because this can't go on like it is forever. i get frustrated with myself because really i KNOW that i'm not a passing fancy, but i guess without having the security of a commitment i sometimes will freak out a little. but i do know how he feels. i know because he drew x's and o's around my puzzle, and because he looks at me like he looks at me. and because he cooked me dinner and baked me a pie. and from the text messages about not rushing and being lucky and grateful to have this opportunity. he might not explicitly state that he likes me, or that he likes spending his time with me, but i know. and for now that's good enough.
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