Thursday, January 24, 2008
ok so i'm definitely crazy for being insecure. he really likes me. and i need to get that into my head. it's so hard, because i have a really difficult time fathoming how such a wonderful guy could like me. like, what did i do to deserve something like this? could it possibly be my time to be happy??
there is a very slow pass to this relationship, and i'm actually really ok with that. we're maintaining this no sex boundary, though it gets tougher and tougher for me every time. especially when he's on top of me, pressing against me. it's good that most of the time he does that we have some clothes on. though there was some naked human blanket last weekend, which made me go crazy on the inside.
he has real intentions for some sort of future. he's genuine. tonight he called me, and we chatted for 20 minutes about the movies he nerflixed and saturday. he told me he caught the crossword caper and has remedied the problem of someone randomly filling in his puzzle in pen by photocopying the puzzle and leaving it on her desk. ha. i texted him after mike left to ask him if i was allowed to sleep over saturday night, and that led to a little bit of a coy war. the coy war was the indicator, as if i didn't have a thousand other indicators. i asked if i should bring pajamas, and he said that would be cute. so i asked if they should be regular pajamas, or.... just like that, and he was like "i don't know how to respond to that" and i was like "i'm just being stupid. i'll bring whatever." and he said he was trying to be coy, and blushing. so i said maybe i'd bring both and see if he was a good boy. he said that gave him a strange tingling sensation. so i said "wanna hear a secret? i get that tingling sensation when i just think about you kissing me. don't tell anyone!" so he said we should forget the coy war, and undertake a tingle war, and he might be extra bad so i could do whatever i wanted to him.. which led to me saying "whatever i want... hmmmm..." and he said "well i do have my boundaries of course. but pretty much whatever you want." and i said i had my boundaries, too, but that they were becoming harder to hold, and that i was proud of my extreme self control. he said "that's good. explorng those boundaries id the truly fun part. i'm a good secret keeper and once i prove it and earn yr trust it will really become tingly." i told him he was well on his way to earning my trust, and that the bigger challenge would be me earning his trust. he said "that may be true. but i'm much better than i used to be. can't wait to see if i get there!" and i said something like, i hope i'm earning his trust, and that i don't mind having to earn it. he said "yr going a great job. remember when i told you in bed that its gonna be even better someday? trust me when i say that." a reference to the future! and that he's beginning to trust me! and that he believes that someday he will really trust me! so i said i already trust him and that is usually hard for me to admit, but i feel ok about it. and he said "good. then we're on the same page. no harm in taking our time though. i think i'm gonna be super bad this weekend and see what happens..." so i don't know. definitely things are progressing. i'd like to know if this is exclusive, but again, don't want to make him feel pressured, or that i wasn't listening when he talked about his unsureness about making an emotional commitment. obviously it's something i have to earn from him. and i understand that. i think it's less him not KNOWING if he can make an emotional commitment, and more him being unsure due to his trust issues. and i can't MAKE him trust me, i can only show him that i'm worthy of his trust by being there, and being patient as i have been for the past month. and really, it's only been a month. i'd be lying if i said i wasn't falling hard for this man, but i'm still in control. i'd miss him a lot if he decided this wasn't what he wanted, but i don't think i'd be destroyed. i'm learning to keep my guard up, but to slowly let it down. for some reason i really trust stephan. i trust that he has good intentions. i trust that he is honest with me, and that we don't need to talk about things and where they are going in order to be on the same page.
ok i'm tired. i'm happy because i'm looking forward to the weekend. and i'm just happy in general. jan won't stop calling me "mrs. jones", which makes me giggle uncontrollably every time. it's the little things. it's feeling secure about something for the first time in a long time without having to KNOW. not that i always feel secure. but even when i'm being insecure, i still know. maybe it's time...
there is a very slow pass to this relationship, and i'm actually really ok with that. we're maintaining this no sex boundary, though it gets tougher and tougher for me every time. especially when he's on top of me, pressing against me. it's good that most of the time he does that we have some clothes on. though there was some naked human blanket last weekend, which made me go crazy on the inside.
he has real intentions for some sort of future. he's genuine. tonight he called me, and we chatted for 20 minutes about the movies he nerflixed and saturday. he told me he caught the crossword caper and has remedied the problem of someone randomly filling in his puzzle in pen by photocopying the puzzle and leaving it on her desk. ha. i texted him after mike left to ask him if i was allowed to sleep over saturday night, and that led to a little bit of a coy war. the coy war was the indicator, as if i didn't have a thousand other indicators. i asked if i should bring pajamas, and he said that would be cute. so i asked if they should be regular pajamas, or.... just like that, and he was like "i don't know how to respond to that" and i was like "i'm just being stupid. i'll bring whatever." and he said he was trying to be coy, and blushing. so i said maybe i'd bring both and see if he was a good boy. he said that gave him a strange tingling sensation. so i said "wanna hear a secret? i get that tingling sensation when i just think about you kissing me. don't tell anyone!" so he said we should forget the coy war, and undertake a tingle war, and he might be extra bad so i could do whatever i wanted to him.. which led to me saying "whatever i want... hmmmm..." and he said "well i do have my boundaries of course. but pretty much whatever you want." and i said i had my boundaries, too, but that they were becoming harder to hold, and that i was proud of my extreme self control. he said "that's good. explorng those boundaries id the truly fun part. i'm a good secret keeper and once i prove it and earn yr trust it will really become tingly." i told him he was well on his way to earning my trust, and that the bigger challenge would be me earning his trust. he said "that may be true. but i'm much better than i used to be. can't wait to see if i get there!" and i said something like, i hope i'm earning his trust, and that i don't mind having to earn it. he said "yr going a great job. remember when i told you in bed that its gonna be even better someday? trust me when i say that." a reference to the future! and that he's beginning to trust me! and that he believes that someday he will really trust me! so i said i already trust him and that is usually hard for me to admit, but i feel ok about it. and he said "good. then we're on the same page. no harm in taking our time though. i think i'm gonna be super bad this weekend and see what happens..." so i don't know. definitely things are progressing. i'd like to know if this is exclusive, but again, don't want to make him feel pressured, or that i wasn't listening when he talked about his unsureness about making an emotional commitment. obviously it's something i have to earn from him. and i understand that. i think it's less him not KNOWING if he can make an emotional commitment, and more him being unsure due to his trust issues. and i can't MAKE him trust me, i can only show him that i'm worthy of his trust by being there, and being patient as i have been for the past month. and really, it's only been a month. i'd be lying if i said i wasn't falling hard for this man, but i'm still in control. i'd miss him a lot if he decided this wasn't what he wanted, but i don't think i'd be destroyed. i'm learning to keep my guard up, but to slowly let it down. for some reason i really trust stephan. i trust that he has good intentions. i trust that he is honest with me, and that we don't need to talk about things and where they are going in order to be on the same page.
ok i'm tired. i'm happy because i'm looking forward to the weekend. and i'm just happy in general. jan won't stop calling me "mrs. jones", which makes me giggle uncontrollably every time. it's the little things. it's feeling secure about something for the first time in a long time without having to KNOW. not that i always feel secure. but even when i'm being insecure, i still know. maybe it's time...
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