is it too late to heal?

yr so mean sometimes. i called you because you wanted me to. but then you were mad. i have no idea why. i could not have done anything to upset you. thats actually impossible. i called exactly when i said i would. i wasnt in a bad mood. i dont get why you were all snide comments, like "cool" to things that obviously were not cool. whyd you even call me back if you were mad and didnt want to say anything? i dont have the energy to constantly be prodding you to find out whats wrong. im a fucking mess. you know this. it doesnt make it any easier when i cant figure out why yr angry, whats wrong, why yr being mean. i get upset, and you push me away, you dont push to find out whats wrong, you give up and get mad at me. but i constantly have to find out why yr upset, and then do flips to cheer you up. i cant make myself happy, how the fuck am i supposed to make you happy?seriously, i cant keep doing this with my life. everything i do feels like nick all over again, me pretending i dont hate my life, me pretending im ok, because when i wasnt ok, he belittled me and got mad at me. and there i was, after he had made me cry, trying to figure out what id done to make him mad. forgetting i was upset, and coaxing him back into conversation, coaxing him back into being happy, while DYING INSIDE. this is me. i am the great sacrificer. ill pretend i have no needs, ill pretend im ok, ill comfort you.. and i wont think about how i feel. how i need to be making myself happy, and not forgetting to be happy, being something or someone i am not at that moment, just to stop the anger. i have been doing this for so long, i have been pretending im not upset and shelving my hurt to make others happy. I CANT KEEP DOING THIS.i ignored my own needs for eight years. i let someone play me like a fucking harp, while continually conceding my own needs, my own wants, for some postponed dream of wanting to be with me. this is nothing like that, but the scars of it remain. im torn between ignoring my own needs and making you happy, or meeting yrs and staying in the same miserable place in my head. and maybe this is the wrong time for me to have decided im not conceding anymore, but i cant keep postponing my big life change. for the first time in my life, i am being somewhat selfish. it doesnt feel good, but i know its right. you could never understand what is going on in my head. someone has fucked me up more than i have ever been fucked up before. someone has destroyed my faith in people actually caring about me. i need this time to figure myself out more than i need oxygen.because living like this isnt worth living at all.