Saturday, November 13, 2004
wow. remember me? ive been busy self loathing.
the story..
late october.. im looking at the boys myspace thing, and i notice that some girl left a comment "i miss you SO MUCH" and i read her blog and she was talking about HIM. it appeared. so.. i made up a fake myspace and emailed her and said i was in a similar situation and i was there if she wanted to talk and she told me everything and i found out he was sleeping with us both at the same time, and on aug 21, the day he spent his first night home from tour with me, he was texting her all day saying he wanted her. so. yah. i told her. and i told him i never wanted to speak to him again.
he somehow convinced me that we should be friends. so whatever, we are attempting a friendship, which works now cos he isnt here.. but i dont think we will actually hang out.
buuuuuut so this other girl, well she like develops a crush on me. and i kinda like her and we hang out and stuff happens and now im like.. i dont even know. im not a lesbian, nor am i interested in a lesbian relationship. but i dont wanna lose her, i like her. i dont even know what to do about it all. i dont want a relationship with anyone. at all. and i made a mistake by letting stuff happen and i was being a boy.
so basically im not happy with anything, and i dont know what to do about it. i dont think i have feelings for him anymore, but im so not over the pain, and right now i wanna focus on me, and doing stuff that makes me happy, and being alone and feeling complete. i need to live alone. thats what i really need, to be totally independent, to feel like i can just exist alone and free and without depending on others at all for anything. i dont know.
i. dont. know.
its really crappy, though. and i gotta figure out what needs to be done, and do it, cos this is draining, and i am still focusing on putting other peoples happiness first and ignoring my own needs.. which is the major thing that needs to change.
so. yah.
my stupid life.
the story..
late october.. im looking at the boys myspace thing, and i notice that some girl left a comment "i miss you SO MUCH" and i read her blog and she was talking about HIM. it appeared. so.. i made up a fake myspace and emailed her and said i was in a similar situation and i was there if she wanted to talk and she told me everything and i found out he was sleeping with us both at the same time, and on aug 21, the day he spent his first night home from tour with me, he was texting her all day saying he wanted her. so. yah. i told her. and i told him i never wanted to speak to him again.
he somehow convinced me that we should be friends. so whatever, we are attempting a friendship, which works now cos he isnt here.. but i dont think we will actually hang out.
buuuuuut so this other girl, well she like develops a crush on me. and i kinda like her and we hang out and stuff happens and now im like.. i dont even know. im not a lesbian, nor am i interested in a lesbian relationship. but i dont wanna lose her, i like her. i dont even know what to do about it all. i dont want a relationship with anyone. at all. and i made a mistake by letting stuff happen and i was being a boy.
so basically im not happy with anything, and i dont know what to do about it. i dont think i have feelings for him anymore, but im so not over the pain, and right now i wanna focus on me, and doing stuff that makes me happy, and being alone and feeling complete. i need to live alone. thats what i really need, to be totally independent, to feel like i can just exist alone and free and without depending on others at all for anything. i dont know.
i. dont. know.
its really crappy, though. and i gotta figure out what needs to be done, and do it, cos this is draining, and i am still focusing on putting other peoples happiness first and ignoring my own needs.. which is the major thing that needs to change.
so. yah.
my stupid life.
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