Sunday, January 23, 2005
*i wanted to kiss you, i wanted to hug you, but you said love scared you so, i got scared and i let you go.. i wanted to hold you, i wanted to know you, i dont need the things you do to me, but i think about you constantly.. i wanted to tell you im fallin in love with you, but you fell so far away, you dont care that much anyway.. i wanted to like you, but yr with someone new, i wish i could let you go... when you and i went to that nosafruto show we didnt understand a single word they said, but i know how important it was to you, i want you to [something?]... when i first met you, i really liked you, but now yr seein somebody new.. when i first met you, i really liked you.. but now yr leavin.. but now yr leavin.. but now yr leavin.. but now yr leavin again.. but now yr leavin, leavin, leavin, leavin, leavin, yr leavin...*
weston
miss me? how long has it been? almost a month, eh? whatever. i do what i want.
there is a snow storm occuring. im opposed to it, but it doesnt stop. fucking snow. its late now, i think ill smoke a cigarette and then go to bed. yessss.
so not much has been happening. im tired of a lot. i spent some time in the city. actually last weekend. i just looked at my blog and i cant believe i havent written about brian. brian... who i am sleeping with... brian who i am not even the least bit attracted to... brian who i def want no relationship with... im sleeping with him. not this past weekend, but the time before, we were hooking up, and he said my name, and you know what? i forgot his. like, i laid there, participating, thinking "fuck, who am i fucking?" it was a monumental moment in my failure. i remembered after a few seconds, but what the hell is wrong with me? why do i do this? ugh. so im supposed to go back next weekend, but i dont know, i dont wanna keep this up, but i have a feeling i will rather than just admit i dont wanna keep sleeping with him. last time, i got a UTI. and i dont want that shit all the time, especially when i dont even get anything out of it anymore.
despite that whole debacle.. my last trip to the city was good. lots of high, lots of movies, lots of food. then on sunday evening, i went into the city and i met this kid richard i have been talking to from myspace for like... i dunno, at least like 8 months or so. we met up for coffee, walked around a while after that, then ended up going back to his place on the upper east side with the intent of watching a movie. that ended up with us talking ALL night.. we did watch 50 First Dates, though. i was gonna take the 614am train home, but i didnt leave in time. so i slept on his couch. he woke me up at like 130, but i didnt get up cos i am a sloth. he sat on the couch with me and we watched tv/listened to music/talked, and then he cuddled with me, but that was it. i could sort of tell he wanted to kiss me, but i think he didnt want to overstep since he knows i am not into the boy thing presently.. which was a little awkward for me, you know, knowing he wanted to (and i knew cos every once in a while, he would get a little closer and i would be very still)... but it was good he didnt try anything, cos we all know i cant say no and i would get involved in some crap that would end up with someone hurt, probably not me, bc i would turn it off. who knows though. he is a good cuddler, i was comfy. i had fun. i left there in the evening, came home. wooo.
im listening to some taking back sunday right now. ive been burning/ripping music all day. im listening to the album version of "great romances" and its pretty good. the demo version is fucking awesome, and this is more intense, which i enjoy. thumbs up adam!
yah ok, i know you are dying for the joe update and i have been being mean by withholding. that fucker.. he got in touch with me. i think it was like jan 6.. it was like 11pm, and it just said "hey." i responded, and he said he had been sending me texts and no response. i said i hadnt gotten them. he kept asking about did i have a new man he read about on myspace (what, are you jealous?) but i dunno what he was talking about, cos its not like im advertising that im screwing brian. duh, im kind of embarrassed about it, actually. but anyway. we talked a bunch, and i went to bed. then like 3 days later, he sends me "where you at girl? i miss talking to you. whats going on? you playing tony hawk? is that why you dont write anymore?" and so he talks about how we should play as soon as he gets home and all this insanity, about how hard up he is.. figures thats why he wrote. but of course its all he wants. no strings, great sex. and of course i have complied, and made makeshift plans with him.. ugh. i kind of have alterior motives. like... to fall asleep as soon as its done. to act like it meant nothing. part of me wants to win real bad, and then say i changed my stakes, and i dont want anything. or let him win, give him the head, and then ask him to leave. not that i win in that case, but whatever. there are comments from 18 year old girls on his myspace. and one comes off as SUPER slutty. i want nothing to do with that, ok? no diseases. keep the diseases in yr pants, ok? thanks.
what the hell is wrong with me????
i cant blame it on being in love anymore, cos seriously, am i? no. maybe. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. i am. and i still cant imagine myself spending the rest of my life with anyone who isnt joe. because im fucked up or something. when he gets home, he'll probably start talking about laura again, anyway. wanting to work shit out. even though he claims to have not had any sex in 2 months, which encompasses the time in which they were on vacation in cali together.. so maybe its over? probably not. he doesnt want me anyway. AND IM TOO GOOD FOR HIM!
ugh.
and thats about it on that. im still in love with the boy who lives to break my heart. i will see him in approximately one week, and i will lay down for him. and i will hate myself the whole entire time. but at least ill feel good.
im going to sleep.
weston
miss me? how long has it been? almost a month, eh? whatever. i do what i want.
there is a snow storm occuring. im opposed to it, but it doesnt stop. fucking snow. its late now, i think ill smoke a cigarette and then go to bed. yessss.
so not much has been happening. im tired of a lot. i spent some time in the city. actually last weekend. i just looked at my blog and i cant believe i havent written about brian. brian... who i am sleeping with... brian who i am not even the least bit attracted to... brian who i def want no relationship with... im sleeping with him. not this past weekend, but the time before, we were hooking up, and he said my name, and you know what? i forgot his. like, i laid there, participating, thinking "fuck, who am i fucking?" it was a monumental moment in my failure. i remembered after a few seconds, but what the hell is wrong with me? why do i do this? ugh. so im supposed to go back next weekend, but i dont know, i dont wanna keep this up, but i have a feeling i will rather than just admit i dont wanna keep sleeping with him. last time, i got a UTI. and i dont want that shit all the time, especially when i dont even get anything out of it anymore.
despite that whole debacle.. my last trip to the city was good. lots of high, lots of movies, lots of food. then on sunday evening, i went into the city and i met this kid richard i have been talking to from myspace for like... i dunno, at least like 8 months or so. we met up for coffee, walked around a while after that, then ended up going back to his place on the upper east side with the intent of watching a movie. that ended up with us talking ALL night.. we did watch 50 First Dates, though. i was gonna take the 614am train home, but i didnt leave in time. so i slept on his couch. he woke me up at like 130, but i didnt get up cos i am a sloth. he sat on the couch with me and we watched tv/listened to music/talked, and then he cuddled with me, but that was it. i could sort of tell he wanted to kiss me, but i think he didnt want to overstep since he knows i am not into the boy thing presently.. which was a little awkward for me, you know, knowing he wanted to (and i knew cos every once in a while, he would get a little closer and i would be very still)... but it was good he didnt try anything, cos we all know i cant say no and i would get involved in some crap that would end up with someone hurt, probably not me, bc i would turn it off. who knows though. he is a good cuddler, i was comfy. i had fun. i left there in the evening, came home. wooo.
im listening to some taking back sunday right now. ive been burning/ripping music all day. im listening to the album version of "great romances" and its pretty good. the demo version is fucking awesome, and this is more intense, which i enjoy. thumbs up adam!
yah ok, i know you are dying for the joe update and i have been being mean by withholding. that fucker.. he got in touch with me. i think it was like jan 6.. it was like 11pm, and it just said "hey." i responded, and he said he had been sending me texts and no response. i said i hadnt gotten them. he kept asking about did i have a new man he read about on myspace (what, are you jealous?) but i dunno what he was talking about, cos its not like im advertising that im screwing brian. duh, im kind of embarrassed about it, actually. but anyway. we talked a bunch, and i went to bed. then like 3 days later, he sends me "where you at girl? i miss talking to you. whats going on? you playing tony hawk? is that why you dont write anymore?" and so he talks about how we should play as soon as he gets home and all this insanity, about how hard up he is.. figures thats why he wrote. but of course its all he wants. no strings, great sex. and of course i have complied, and made makeshift plans with him.. ugh. i kind of have alterior motives. like... to fall asleep as soon as its done. to act like it meant nothing. part of me wants to win real bad, and then say i changed my stakes, and i dont want anything. or let him win, give him the head, and then ask him to leave. not that i win in that case, but whatever. there are comments from 18 year old girls on his myspace. and one comes off as SUPER slutty. i want nothing to do with that, ok? no diseases. keep the diseases in yr pants, ok? thanks.
what the hell is wrong with me????
i cant blame it on being in love anymore, cos seriously, am i? no. maybe. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. i am. and i still cant imagine myself spending the rest of my life with anyone who isnt joe. because im fucked up or something. when he gets home, he'll probably start talking about laura again, anyway. wanting to work shit out. even though he claims to have not had any sex in 2 months, which encompasses the time in which they were on vacation in cali together.. so maybe its over? probably not. he doesnt want me anyway. AND IM TOO GOOD FOR HIM!
ugh.
and thats about it on that. im still in love with the boy who lives to break my heart. i will see him in approximately one week, and i will lay down for him. and i will hate myself the whole entire time. but at least ill feel good.
im going to sleep.
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