Sunday, January 02, 2005
*if its not keeping you up nights, then whats the point?*
taking back sunday
blah blah. happy 2005. thats kind of intense. i didnt make a resolution bc i started my new life last week. i still think about joe, but not often, and not intensely. sometimes i think about texting him, but i have nothing to say. i feel like the fact that i am now willing to write his name means something. whatever, though.
so i spent part of the week with twon and kim (twons fiancee) and brian (their roommate) in crown heights. we watched like 900 movies. it was a lot of fun. (my cats are chasing each other around the house.) kim made vegetarian lasagna tues night, and then on wed i made mashed potatoes and mac and cheese (both from scratch), and brian made pork chops for the meat eaters. also, kim made cheese enchiladas. both days we made cookies. i have a really good time when i go to visit them. we watched garden state twice. i put that in red because i LOVE it.
yesterday was new years, but i didnt do anything. i have this oppressive cough right now. besides that, i dont have anyone that loves me, and new years is so a holiday to be in love and kiss and blah blah blah. i hate the holidays when im single. i donnt minnd being single, really, but around the holidays i do. i wish i had someone to dote on me.
yoda is staring at me. i guess running around the house is over. he probably wants me to go to bed.
so lee came out to LI for the new years thing, and so kim and i hung out with him tonight. that was fun. we went to sweet hollow diner, and then we picked up kims man, grant. we drove around aimlessly for hours. it was fun, i had a good time. my mood is much improved now that i am no longer pining. im so much happier without him. it feels good. most of the sadness is gone. sometimes i wonder if he thinks about me anymore. probably not. but thats ok, cos the longer i dont hear from him... its been 6 days. ok, 5. cos technically its sunday but its way early. im thinking it will be a while. he hasnt had anything to say to me the last few times we talked. i mean, i admit, when i saw him at the cast aside show, i did hope he would realize how much hed missed me and yadda yadda, but. he didnt, and he didnt really try to see me at all. its not me, its him. i know im going on and on, but i havent written in like forever, so i guess this is my attempt to like, work it out in words.
so basically, my point is, that over the past month or so, i have come to a realization: im a cute girl. i am very caring. im really smart. im fun/funny. yah, i have my quirks, and mine are more intense than average, but i am OCD and im sure there are many not high strung men out there that could totally balance me, and love me for my quirks. michael does, even if he has a gf now and barely any time for me. speaking of michael, he came over last sunday night and we watched a couple of movies and then on monday we went to get lunch and to best buy, and i had a realllly good time, i am really happy. it wasnt awkward. he cuddled with me when we slept. i still dont think i have feelings for him, but it felt good. he really does love me, even if he doesnt have as much time for me anymore. like, thats proof that, despite my crazy compulsive habits and overanalysis, and despite the fact that i am crazy uptight in a lot of ways and easily annoyed/volatile, someone can love me. my friends put up with me. twons roommate brian is like, my bitch. he is all refilling my soda and getting up to give me the ashtray and catering to me. see, the thing is, i cant respect that. i think its cute, and chivalrous, and an assortment of happy adjectives, but ill walk all over you. i will become totally lazy and expect you to treat me like a princess. and i do not want to become that girl. in order for me to really wanna be with a guy, he has to like, be able to put me in my place, tell me to get it myself, and laugh at me when i whine.
so really, after all those tangents, what im trying to say, is that i am a good catch. i have a lot to offer. its his loss. and the thing is, he doesnt even really know me. if you asked joe what my favorite band is, my favorite color, my favorite food, my favorite tv show, my favorite book was.. i dont think he would know. i mean, maybe, but thats a huge fuckin maybe, let me tell you. he might know my favorite book since weve talked about books, but i doubt he remembers. i bet also he doesnt even know who my favorite historical figure is.. and ANYONE WHO KNOWS ME knows the answer to that is alexander hamilton. if you read this regularly, you probably even fucking know that. he read my thesis, and i bet he still wouldnt know. so pretty much, its him, cos he never even gave me a chance. its probably my fault for putting out, but you know what, he was a good liar. he made it feel real. boys can do that. im not saying girls cant, but i dont date girls so im not so sure on them, but from my whole nikole debale, i am pretty sure that the whole thing for her was an act. and not even a conscious act, but i think she made up feelings for me to displace the feelings she had for joe. which is the same thing that happened with me, and i faked it real good. and maybe at first he was confused. who knows, but im not giving him the benefit of the doubt. he used me. and he doesnt even know what he lost out on. somebody out there will think im fabulous. or at least great. you know? its not like i have never had a successful relationship. im pretty sure that mine and chaz's relationship was really good. it wasnt intense, we were at ease with each other, we enjoyed seeing each other every day. we were happy. i could have spent the rest of my life with him at the time. which was the problem. and its not like boys have never been smitten over me before. cos they have, sorry to be vain, but they have, so i have the right to say it.
anyway. mr yoda kitty cat is all staring at me with his bedroom eyes (and in cat language that means hes sleepy and wants to go under warm covers), and speaking of eyes, mine hurt like hell. therefore, i am going to sleep without proofreading. publishing typos and all. :)
oh, and hello again to 2005. i welcome you, and i have a feeling you will bring a great and wonderful change to my life. i almost forgot about that endless supply of hope i have... :)
taking back sunday
blah blah. happy 2005. thats kind of intense. i didnt make a resolution bc i started my new life last week. i still think about joe, but not often, and not intensely. sometimes i think about texting him, but i have nothing to say. i feel like the fact that i am now willing to write his name means something. whatever, though.
so i spent part of the week with twon and kim (twons fiancee) and brian (their roommate) in crown heights. we watched like 900 movies. it was a lot of fun. (my cats are chasing each other around the house.) kim made vegetarian lasagna tues night, and then on wed i made mashed potatoes and mac and cheese (both from scratch), and brian made pork chops for the meat eaters. also, kim made cheese enchiladas. both days we made cookies. i have a really good time when i go to visit them. we watched garden state twice. i put that in red because i LOVE it.
yesterday was new years, but i didnt do anything. i have this oppressive cough right now. besides that, i dont have anyone that loves me, and new years is so a holiday to be in love and kiss and blah blah blah. i hate the holidays when im single. i donnt minnd being single, really, but around the holidays i do. i wish i had someone to dote on me.
yoda is staring at me. i guess running around the house is over. he probably wants me to go to bed.
so lee came out to LI for the new years thing, and so kim and i hung out with him tonight. that was fun. we went to sweet hollow diner, and then we picked up kims man, grant. we drove around aimlessly for hours. it was fun, i had a good time. my mood is much improved now that i am no longer pining. im so much happier without him. it feels good. most of the sadness is gone. sometimes i wonder if he thinks about me anymore. probably not. but thats ok, cos the longer i dont hear from him... its been 6 days. ok, 5. cos technically its sunday but its way early. im thinking it will be a while. he hasnt had anything to say to me the last few times we talked. i mean, i admit, when i saw him at the cast aside show, i did hope he would realize how much hed missed me and yadda yadda, but. he didnt, and he didnt really try to see me at all. its not me, its him. i know im going on and on, but i havent written in like forever, so i guess this is my attempt to like, work it out in words.
so basically, my point is, that over the past month or so, i have come to a realization: im a cute girl. i am very caring. im really smart. im fun/funny. yah, i have my quirks, and mine are more intense than average, but i am OCD and im sure there are many not high strung men out there that could totally balance me, and love me for my quirks. michael does, even if he has a gf now and barely any time for me. speaking of michael, he came over last sunday night and we watched a couple of movies and then on monday we went to get lunch and to best buy, and i had a realllly good time, i am really happy. it wasnt awkward. he cuddled with me when we slept. i still dont think i have feelings for him, but it felt good. he really does love me, even if he doesnt have as much time for me anymore. like, thats proof that, despite my crazy compulsive habits and overanalysis, and despite the fact that i am crazy uptight in a lot of ways and easily annoyed/volatile, someone can love me. my friends put up with me. twons roommate brian is like, my bitch. he is all refilling my soda and getting up to give me the ashtray and catering to me. see, the thing is, i cant respect that. i think its cute, and chivalrous, and an assortment of happy adjectives, but ill walk all over you. i will become totally lazy and expect you to treat me like a princess. and i do not want to become that girl. in order for me to really wanna be with a guy, he has to like, be able to put me in my place, tell me to get it myself, and laugh at me when i whine.
so really, after all those tangents, what im trying to say, is that i am a good catch. i have a lot to offer. its his loss. and the thing is, he doesnt even really know me. if you asked joe what my favorite band is, my favorite color, my favorite food, my favorite tv show, my favorite book was.. i dont think he would know. i mean, maybe, but thats a huge fuckin maybe, let me tell you. he might know my favorite book since weve talked about books, but i doubt he remembers. i bet also he doesnt even know who my favorite historical figure is.. and ANYONE WHO KNOWS ME knows the answer to that is alexander hamilton. if you read this regularly, you probably even fucking know that. he read my thesis, and i bet he still wouldnt know. so pretty much, its him, cos he never even gave me a chance. its probably my fault for putting out, but you know what, he was a good liar. he made it feel real. boys can do that. im not saying girls cant, but i dont date girls so im not so sure on them, but from my whole nikole debale, i am pretty sure that the whole thing for her was an act. and not even a conscious act, but i think she made up feelings for me to displace the feelings she had for joe. which is the same thing that happened with me, and i faked it real good. and maybe at first he was confused. who knows, but im not giving him the benefit of the doubt. he used me. and he doesnt even know what he lost out on. somebody out there will think im fabulous. or at least great. you know? its not like i have never had a successful relationship. im pretty sure that mine and chaz's relationship was really good. it wasnt intense, we were at ease with each other, we enjoyed seeing each other every day. we were happy. i could have spent the rest of my life with him at the time. which was the problem. and its not like boys have never been smitten over me before. cos they have, sorry to be vain, but they have, so i have the right to say it.
anyway. mr yoda kitty cat is all staring at me with his bedroom eyes (and in cat language that means hes sleepy and wants to go under warm covers), and speaking of eyes, mine hurt like hell. therefore, i am going to sleep without proofreading. publishing typos and all. :)
oh, and hello again to 2005. i welcome you, and i have a feeling you will bring a great and wonderful change to my life. i almost forgot about that endless supply of hope i have... :)
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