Monday, December 31, 2007
with these drinks, i plan to collapse and forget this wasted year.. this wasted year
bright eyes
bright eyes
ok so maybe the lyrics don't totally go with what i'm gonna write about. but they sum up my feelings about 2007. i will write a letter to 2007 soon. but right now, i have a boy to talk about. the letter can wait until 2007 is almost dead.
so i'm really happy, as stated earlier. here's what happened: i got to nj at like 530, i was late due to intense nyc traffic that i wanted to stab because all i wanted was to see steve. but anyway, finally got there. we ordered dinner from a pizza place a few blocks away, then we went to pick it up. came back and listened to music while eating our food. we listened to some more music, finding out that we both love "careless whisper" by wham and "take my breath away" by berlin. so he put "careless whisper" on and played guitar while i sang. it was adorable. then we watched once. of course, being that i'm a sap, i cried about an hour into it. he got me the tissues and then held my hand. i almost died. since once is a quasi-musical, he decided we should have sharing musicals we love night instead of watching vanilla sky. so he chose to watch hedwig and the angry inch. we watched that. he gave me a shiatzu hand massage. after the movie, i gave him one. i didn't take my hands away. he didn't take his hands away. he leaned into me, crumpling into my chest and i put my head on his head while stroking the back of his neck. then he kissed me. it was intense. he's easily the best kisser i've ever had the pleasure of kissing, and i've kissed a lot of people. it was 1:15am, and he said, "we can't possibly have you driving home at this hour" so of course i agreed and i stayed the night. he said, "i want to make love to you so badly, but i don't." and so we didn't. which i am happy about, because i'd have just gone along with it, and then felt used and crappy and miserable. so we laid together, talking. i asked him about why he didn't want to and he said it was because he wasn't sure if he could do the emotional commitment that comes along with it at this point. so. i don't know if that means he doesn't know, or he does know and he can't. i let it go. we talked about grad school, and i said "you had to know i had a major crush on you for two years" and he was like "really? i might have had a clue" but he was smiling and i told him i am so transparent, he had to know and he admitted he did. and i told him i hated him then, and he asked if it was because he was seeing someone. i said yes, and that he had withheld that information for like 2 months. he said "why do you think i might have done that?" and i played coy right back, until he finally admitted that he had been into me as well. which made me die a little, in a good way. we also talked about how all of this was happening for the first time for him since he's been sober, and he needs to re-learn a lot of things, like having someone in his bed with him. i definitely understand all of this. and i'm ok with it. i told him it's quite possible that he's the sexiest man on the planet. we finally went to sleep, he put my arms around him and it made me feel so nice. we woke up a bunch of times and he always took my hand and put it back on his chest and held my other hand.
so we woke up at 8:15, and he's like "it's 8:15! time to get up!" over and over, and it was so cute. he was laying on top of me, saying "i'm the human blanket!" like a 5 year old and it was totally adorable. so we cuddled for like 45 minutes, and then we were fooling around again. he kissed me even though we were all gross dragon breath people, which actually no dude has ever done before. which sort of meant a lot to me. but anyway, we finally got up at 10, we got dressed, he put on coffee and we walked across the street to get the times. he said he wouldn't share the puzzle. i said that was ok. so we went back to his apartment, ate cinnamon rolls, drank coffee. he looked through the paper. i took the travel section, he took the puzzle. after a little, i laid with him. he was doing the puzzle over my head, periodically checking on what i was reading. it was easily the cutest thing ever. i could really spend every sunday morning doing just that. when he got tired of the puzzle and i finished the travel section, i said he could kick me out if he was tired of me, and he said "no" and hugged me. so we watched vanilla sky. i laid at one end of the couch, he laid at the other. he was cuddling my feet. it was adorable. after the movie we fooled around some more and it was really good. he shared a lot with me, which i felt was really very good and i'm happy that he was able to be open and honest about a lot of things. but after, he just sort of got up and got dressed, and went to smoke a cigarette and defrost a bagel. so i laid there for a minute, and then i got up and got dressed. i went out to the living room, smoked a cigarette, and i just felt weird and sort of empty about how he had just gotten up and stuff.. and then he was like "well, i'm gonna get you on yr way before i start this process.. you know, you have to pour the milk [for cereal] just right, and butter the bagel just right" which was also weird. so i said "yah, i was gonna get going." and i packed up my things, and put on my shoes. he walked me to my car, and he kissed me and hugged me. i guess he could tell i was distant, and he asked if i was ok. i said i was great, just tired. not sure if he bought it, but he let it be. he kissed me again, and i left. it took me for-fucking-ever to get home because there was an accident on the queensboro bridge, and he texted me like 2 hours after i left to make sure i was ok since i hadn't texted him yet. i texted him when i got home, saying "home! i had a nice time with you this weekend. do it again soon?" and he replied immediately "sure. i had a nice time too. most weekends are good for me, so we'll figure out another time soon." so i said "ok! have a good night. sorry i kept you from sleep!" and he replied "not a problem. was well worth it. goodnight." sooooo. i don't know.
the plan is this: i'm going to see if he wants to come over next weekend. if he doesn't, i will not take it personally, as he is definitely working on self-recovery and i do not need to smother him. but after the next time we hang out, assuming we do this whole semi- naked stuff again, i will be honest with him in a very non-confrontational way. i have discussed this with jan. she thinks it's a good plan. this is what i will say: "i don't want you to think that i am making more of this than what it is. i definitely heard what you said about not knowing if you could make the emotional commitment and i totally get that. but i like you, and what i need to know is, is this what it is, or does this have potential for growth?" basically, all i want to know is if "i don't know if i am able to make the emotional commitment" means i don't know or i know i can't. i think that is fair and shows that i get it. plus he is really open to talking about things, in fact there were many times when he said he prefers to talk about things and get them in the open. i guess it's part of the program. but i need to know this before it goes on and on, and i get too emotionally invested in things.
i really like him. the part of me that doubts my self worth is screaming "you should be so lucky to have a guy that is so smart, fun, and gorgeous be interested in you. you have nothing to offer him." the rational part of me is quietly saying "he admitted he liked you in grad school. he made the first move, and continued to make moves after he said that he didn't know about the emotional commitment. he was definitely into you. you had a wonderful time together. just take things slowly." so.. i don't know. it's a battle in my head, and i'm ok with it. there is always a battle for me. and with my track record, it makes sense. i would really be the luckiest girl on earth if this were to grow into something serious. i think we would be good for each other, me good for him because i'm ridiculously supportive and because i could live the rest of my life without having another drink, and he good for me because he's just amazing and smart and all that. obviously i was right about us having a connection 5 years ago, and we obviously still have that connection now. it's all about timing. but he admitted to me that he hadn't had a girl stay over since he's been sober. he was willing to take a chance on me, and i can't imagine it was easy for him. i perceive him to be a truly good guy, sensitive and caring. i don't think he would take advantage of me. or my emotions. he just doesn't seem the type. and with what he is dealing with, it doesn't make sense.
so that is it. i'm not over-thinking this. i'm being rational. even jan said she saw a huge change in the way i was handling things. yes i would be upset if he said that he didn't think there was potential for growth.. but i'm not too invested yet and i think it's important for me to just know where i stand. especially coming off of tom, who was playing games with me without a legitimate excuse. jan said i could even bring that up, just to make it clear that i'm not pushing, just don't want to get stuck in another situation that actions put me in a place that's too hard to get out of.
so i'm going to go do a crossword for a while before i publish my last post of 2007. that letter i talked about earlier, which i will post at 11:59pm. later.
so i'm really happy, as stated earlier. here's what happened: i got to nj at like 530, i was late due to intense nyc traffic that i wanted to stab because all i wanted was to see steve. but anyway, finally got there. we ordered dinner from a pizza place a few blocks away, then we went to pick it up. came back and listened to music while eating our food. we listened to some more music, finding out that we both love "careless whisper" by wham and "take my breath away" by berlin. so he put "careless whisper" on and played guitar while i sang. it was adorable. then we watched once. of course, being that i'm a sap, i cried about an hour into it. he got me the tissues and then held my hand. i almost died. since once is a quasi-musical, he decided we should have sharing musicals we love night instead of watching vanilla sky. so he chose to watch hedwig and the angry inch. we watched that. he gave me a shiatzu hand massage. after the movie, i gave him one. i didn't take my hands away. he didn't take his hands away. he leaned into me, crumpling into my chest and i put my head on his head while stroking the back of his neck. then he kissed me. it was intense. he's easily the best kisser i've ever had the pleasure of kissing, and i've kissed a lot of people. it was 1:15am, and he said, "we can't possibly have you driving home at this hour" so of course i agreed and i stayed the night. he said, "i want to make love to you so badly, but i don't." and so we didn't. which i am happy about, because i'd have just gone along with it, and then felt used and crappy and miserable. so we laid together, talking. i asked him about why he didn't want to and he said it was because he wasn't sure if he could do the emotional commitment that comes along with it at this point. so. i don't know if that means he doesn't know, or he does know and he can't. i let it go. we talked about grad school, and i said "you had to know i had a major crush on you for two years" and he was like "really? i might have had a clue" but he was smiling and i told him i am so transparent, he had to know and he admitted he did. and i told him i hated him then, and he asked if it was because he was seeing someone. i said yes, and that he had withheld that information for like 2 months. he said "why do you think i might have done that?" and i played coy right back, until he finally admitted that he had been into me as well. which made me die a little, in a good way. we also talked about how all of this was happening for the first time for him since he's been sober, and he needs to re-learn a lot of things, like having someone in his bed with him. i definitely understand all of this. and i'm ok with it. i told him it's quite possible that he's the sexiest man on the planet. we finally went to sleep, he put my arms around him and it made me feel so nice. we woke up a bunch of times and he always took my hand and put it back on his chest and held my other hand.
so we woke up at 8:15, and he's like "it's 8:15! time to get up!" over and over, and it was so cute. he was laying on top of me, saying "i'm the human blanket!" like a 5 year old and it was totally adorable. so we cuddled for like 45 minutes, and then we were fooling around again. he kissed me even though we were all gross dragon breath people, which actually no dude has ever done before. which sort of meant a lot to me. but anyway, we finally got up at 10, we got dressed, he put on coffee and we walked across the street to get the times. he said he wouldn't share the puzzle. i said that was ok. so we went back to his apartment, ate cinnamon rolls, drank coffee. he looked through the paper. i took the travel section, he took the puzzle. after a little, i laid with him. he was doing the puzzle over my head, periodically checking on what i was reading. it was easily the cutest thing ever. i could really spend every sunday morning doing just that. when he got tired of the puzzle and i finished the travel section, i said he could kick me out if he was tired of me, and he said "no" and hugged me. so we watched vanilla sky. i laid at one end of the couch, he laid at the other. he was cuddling my feet. it was adorable. after the movie we fooled around some more and it was really good. he shared a lot with me, which i felt was really very good and i'm happy that he was able to be open and honest about a lot of things. but after, he just sort of got up and got dressed, and went to smoke a cigarette and defrost a bagel. so i laid there for a minute, and then i got up and got dressed. i went out to the living room, smoked a cigarette, and i just felt weird and sort of empty about how he had just gotten up and stuff.. and then he was like "well, i'm gonna get you on yr way before i start this process.. you know, you have to pour the milk [for cereal] just right, and butter the bagel just right" which was also weird. so i said "yah, i was gonna get going." and i packed up my things, and put on my shoes. he walked me to my car, and he kissed me and hugged me. i guess he could tell i was distant, and he asked if i was ok. i said i was great, just tired. not sure if he bought it, but he let it be. he kissed me again, and i left. it took me for-fucking-ever to get home because there was an accident on the queensboro bridge, and he texted me like 2 hours after i left to make sure i was ok since i hadn't texted him yet. i texted him when i got home, saying "home! i had a nice time with you this weekend. do it again soon?" and he replied immediately "sure. i had a nice time too. most weekends are good for me, so we'll figure out another time soon." so i said "ok! have a good night. sorry i kept you from sleep!" and he replied "not a problem. was well worth it. goodnight." sooooo. i don't know.
the plan is this: i'm going to see if he wants to come over next weekend. if he doesn't, i will not take it personally, as he is definitely working on self-recovery and i do not need to smother him. but after the next time we hang out, assuming we do this whole semi- naked stuff again, i will be honest with him in a very non-confrontational way. i have discussed this with jan. she thinks it's a good plan. this is what i will say: "i don't want you to think that i am making more of this than what it is. i definitely heard what you said about not knowing if you could make the emotional commitment and i totally get that. but i like you, and what i need to know is, is this what it is, or does this have potential for growth?" basically, all i want to know is if "i don't know if i am able to make the emotional commitment" means i don't know or i know i can't. i think that is fair and shows that i get it. plus he is really open to talking about things, in fact there were many times when he said he prefers to talk about things and get them in the open. i guess it's part of the program. but i need to know this before it goes on and on, and i get too emotionally invested in things.
i really like him. the part of me that doubts my self worth is screaming "you should be so lucky to have a guy that is so smart, fun, and gorgeous be interested in you. you have nothing to offer him." the rational part of me is quietly saying "he admitted he liked you in grad school. he made the first move, and continued to make moves after he said that he didn't know about the emotional commitment. he was definitely into you. you had a wonderful time together. just take things slowly." so.. i don't know. it's a battle in my head, and i'm ok with it. there is always a battle for me. and with my track record, it makes sense. i would really be the luckiest girl on earth if this were to grow into something serious. i think we would be good for each other, me good for him because i'm ridiculously supportive and because i could live the rest of my life without having another drink, and he good for me because he's just amazing and smart and all that. obviously i was right about us having a connection 5 years ago, and we obviously still have that connection now. it's all about timing. but he admitted to me that he hadn't had a girl stay over since he's been sober. he was willing to take a chance on me, and i can't imagine it was easy for him. i perceive him to be a truly good guy, sensitive and caring. i don't think he would take advantage of me. or my emotions. he just doesn't seem the type. and with what he is dealing with, it doesn't make sense.
so that is it. i'm not over-thinking this. i'm being rational. even jan said she saw a huge change in the way i was handling things. yes i would be upset if he said that he didn't think there was potential for growth.. but i'm not too invested yet and i think it's important for me to just know where i stand. especially coming off of tom, who was playing games with me without a legitimate excuse. jan said i could even bring that up, just to make it clear that i'm not pushing, just don't want to get stuck in another situation that actions put me in a place that's too hard to get out of.
so i'm going to go do a crossword for a while before i publish my last post of 2007. that letter i talked about earlier, which i will post at 11:59pm. later.
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