Monday, December 24, 2007
i'm actually going crazy right now. i keep telling myself to stop thinking about this boy but it's actually impossible. i don't have one thought, i have hundreds. i think back to last weekend and replay specific moments. i think ahead to next weekend and imagine potential scenarios. i imagine us watching once and then i turn to him and i'm like "what did you think???" and it spring-boarding into a monster conversation like the one tom and i had after we watched it. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i think about the moments we shared last weekend. i can't make any sense of it. i want to. i want the sense to be what i want the sense to be. i want the sense to be that we have this amazing connection, there's an intense spark. i want for that to be truth and not fiction. so many shared moments in grad school. all those classes, planning our schedules together. all the drinks, the dinner, the sharing of work and editing each others work. he's so smart, he's so smart. i valued his opinion of my work over anyone else's. it was all that mattered. i needed his approval on my thoughts and my work. i admired him. i still admire him. the way he stares into you like he can see yr soul. the way he says all the right things at all the right times. the way his eyes glisten when he says "you HAVE to hear this." pulling out a thousand things for me to look at. movies, books, WWI artifacts, pieces of yr past, yr family, yr photos. yr history. i know that it's part of the healing, the sharing part. but i want to think it meant something greater. my heart is screaming. i imagine what life would be like with him. having academic conversations. political conversations. i imagine how adorable he would look in the morning. i imagine him getting up before me, making coffee. spending lazy sunday mornings in bed with the paper. doing crossword puzzles together. traveling. i imagine such great things. with tom, i couldn't imagine it being equal. i imagined myself taking care of him. making him tea. making him dinner. making him the center of my world. i never imagined us traveling, i never imagined him liking the things i would want to see. but talking to stephan last weekend, talking about the hugeness of nature, the volcanoes, the mountains, the desert. he wanted to see that. i want to see it again. i want to see the world. i want to see it with him. i don't know anything anymore. is anyone ever going to be truly right for me?
katie and i had a long conversation on friday night. she told me about her pyramid theory. that there could be a pyramid of people that are right for you. and i like it. a hierarchy of rightness. there is one person who is most right for you. below that could be two very right people, but not the most right. three below that. and so on. and i like it, i do. but who is right? is tom right? he's cuddly. he's cute. he needs me to take care of him. we have so much in common. we want to do things together, the same things. we like the same music. we would have a nice life, it would be loving and safe and all of the things you would want in a life. but then there's stephan. we like different things, but we also like the same things. we get each other. i understand what he's saying when it's important. he gets what i'm saying when i think i'm not making sense. he looks at me like he gets me. but what does it mean? what does anything mean? i'm becoming so jaded. i'm so afraid of life and love and falling in love again. on one hand i'm super excited for the prospect of the potential to fall in love with this boy. but for what? to have my heart ripped out again? all i need is to have my heart shattered again right as i am healing. maybe i should distance myself. put some space between myself and the feelings i either have or am manufacturing for this boy.
i can't think about this anymore.
katie and i had a long conversation on friday night. she told me about her pyramid theory. that there could be a pyramid of people that are right for you. and i like it. a hierarchy of rightness. there is one person who is most right for you. below that could be two very right people, but not the most right. three below that. and so on. and i like it, i do. but who is right? is tom right? he's cuddly. he's cute. he needs me to take care of him. we have so much in common. we want to do things together, the same things. we like the same music. we would have a nice life, it would be loving and safe and all of the things you would want in a life. but then there's stephan. we like different things, but we also like the same things. we get each other. i understand what he's saying when it's important. he gets what i'm saying when i think i'm not making sense. he looks at me like he gets me. but what does it mean? what does anything mean? i'm becoming so jaded. i'm so afraid of life and love and falling in love again. on one hand i'm super excited for the prospect of the potential to fall in love with this boy. but for what? to have my heart ripped out again? all i need is to have my heart shattered again right as i am healing. maybe i should distance myself. put some space between myself and the feelings i either have or am manufacturing for this boy.
i can't think about this anymore.
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