Thursday, December 27, 2007
nothing from the boy today. so sad. did get a text from tom, but that's pretty blah to me these days. he was at the nets game. went on that date, and, as i suspected, no spark. he'd like to see me again. i have to finesse it somehow to seem nice, yet letting him know that it's not fucking likely.
i have nothing to report. i should be sleeping, i have to get up early tomorrow so i can bring my car in for service at 8. boring boring. hanging out with katie tomorrow, that's somewhat exciting. rescheduled tv night with mike for friday.
i really hope i hear from stephan tomorrow. first of all, i'd really just like to know when we're getting together so i can start getting psyched. i could call him, claiming i have potential saturday night plans and needing to choose a day so i can make said fake plans or not. meh. i'd rather he call me. but secondly, i'd like to make these plans without having to worry about him calling when mike is here. since i really like to be discreet about my crushes these days. you know, not to the potential people who might read this, but rather to michael. cos i'm crazy like that. if he calls me friday night i won't answer and i will have to call him back. maybe he'll just text me. i wonder if he got my christmas card today.
today, or maybe last night, i realized that i fixate on dudes. i was fixated on joe. i was fixated on tom. i am now fixated on stephan. this is probably unhealthy. i was watching law & order earlier and olivet was talking about this girl who was promiscuous due to her fear of rejection and her need to have a male figure in her life due to her parents divorce when she was 6 years old. so, basically, i really need to get back into therapy. i mean, seriously. i have to work out these issues. i am not promiscuous anymore, not at all. i'm actually pretty guarded about my body these days.. but i don't know. i think i fixate on these guys because i don't want to be alone anymore and i'm starting to freak out about the potential of dying alone. i'm almost 28. i know what i want, but i can't seem to find someone i want who also wants me. tom has feelings for me, but is unsure about the strength of those feelings. that doesn't help me on my quest to be loved. i definitely feel a strong connection with steve, but it could mean nothing. i wish i could read minds. then i could really figure him out. i guess if nothing happens again when i see him, then it means nothing. it's just a connection. i'm conflicted because i want to believe that his netflixing of those movies so close to the last time we hung out means he wanted to see me again and there is something there. i mean, he did say "we'll do it again soon" but "soon" is subjective. it could have meant next month. but it meant within two weeks of the previous time. this is how things started with tom and i. but tom and i started by some heavy making out the first time we saw each other in over 4 years. steve and i just hung out two days in a row and talked. plus he has that whole AA thing going on. i think about that, and how you are supposed to get a plant, then a pet, then a girlfriend. but this is real life. can you really spend like 2 years working on yrself, without getting involved with another human being? and i'm so safe. i don't drink! argh.
i am a little proud of myself because i didn't totally fixate on steve tonight, but then i was also on a date tonight.. i don't know. ok. i can't do this. bed.
i have nothing to report. i should be sleeping, i have to get up early tomorrow so i can bring my car in for service at 8. boring boring. hanging out with katie tomorrow, that's somewhat exciting. rescheduled tv night with mike for friday.
i really hope i hear from stephan tomorrow. first of all, i'd really just like to know when we're getting together so i can start getting psyched. i could call him, claiming i have potential saturday night plans and needing to choose a day so i can make said fake plans or not. meh. i'd rather he call me. but secondly, i'd like to make these plans without having to worry about him calling when mike is here. since i really like to be discreet about my crushes these days. you know, not to the potential people who might read this, but rather to michael. cos i'm crazy like that. if he calls me friday night i won't answer and i will have to call him back. maybe he'll just text me. i wonder if he got my christmas card today.
today, or maybe last night, i realized that i fixate on dudes. i was fixated on joe. i was fixated on tom. i am now fixated on stephan. this is probably unhealthy. i was watching law & order earlier and olivet was talking about this girl who was promiscuous due to her fear of rejection and her need to have a male figure in her life due to her parents divorce when she was 6 years old. so, basically, i really need to get back into therapy. i mean, seriously. i have to work out these issues. i am not promiscuous anymore, not at all. i'm actually pretty guarded about my body these days.. but i don't know. i think i fixate on these guys because i don't want to be alone anymore and i'm starting to freak out about the potential of dying alone. i'm almost 28. i know what i want, but i can't seem to find someone i want who also wants me. tom has feelings for me, but is unsure about the strength of those feelings. that doesn't help me on my quest to be loved. i definitely feel a strong connection with steve, but it could mean nothing. i wish i could read minds. then i could really figure him out. i guess if nothing happens again when i see him, then it means nothing. it's just a connection. i'm conflicted because i want to believe that his netflixing of those movies so close to the last time we hung out means he wanted to see me again and there is something there. i mean, he did say "we'll do it again soon" but "soon" is subjective. it could have meant next month. but it meant within two weeks of the previous time. this is how things started with tom and i. but tom and i started by some heavy making out the first time we saw each other in over 4 years. steve and i just hung out two days in a row and talked. plus he has that whole AA thing going on. i think about that, and how you are supposed to get a plant, then a pet, then a girlfriend. but this is real life. can you really spend like 2 years working on yrself, without getting involved with another human being? and i'm so safe. i don't drink! argh.
i am a little proud of myself because i didn't totally fixate on steve tonight, but then i was also on a date tonight.. i don't know. ok. i can't do this. bed.
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