Thursday, November 29, 2007
it's amazing what you'll find when you just open yr eyes.. sometimes love can leave you blind, but still you try to cover up the lies and ignore the signs.. sometimes love can leave you blind. what i thought was a certainty has left me spinning in circles again.
...
to you i'm like a flavor that wouldn't last, you took one bite and spat me out real fast. and now this mark remains and will never ever go away.
from first to last
so i don't know. i'm very blah. no word from tom for two days. not that i've contacted him, either. i'm trying to fade away. maybe i won't even have to make my flowery speech about how i can't do this and neither can he. maybe it'll just melt away. i guess my thoughts are with him less and less, but the pain is still here. i rationalized everything on my drive to work this morning when i was thinking about joe. i don't think i was as insane about joe as i am about tom, though. i mean, i lusted after joe. the sexual chemistry was intense. but with tom, there was a connection. i always knew i couldn't end up with joe. he is a cheater. they don't change their colors. he just cheated on his girlfriend two days ago. i feel sort of guilty. i don't know why. i never felt guilty with laura, but i also had never seen her. i've never seen jenna in person but i've seen her myspace. i guess i did see pictures of laura, in his room. i don't know. i feel bad. even if we hadn't fooled around, he got in bed with me. he did not ask if i'd give him blankets for the couch. he put himself in the situation. he cuddled with me. maybe that's not cheating but i'd be pissed if my boyfriend was cuddling with another girl. he will always cheat. he will never be ready to settle down with one girl for the rest of his life. joe and i are nothing but amazing chemistry. i always thought that making conversation with him was secondary to getting into bed with him. but with tom, there is really something there. i'm happy to just hold his hand and drive in the car. see the sights that our areas have to offer. just be. so anyway, this all occured because taking back sunday came on the ipod. "why can't i feel anything for anyone other than you" was coming out of the speakers, and i was flashed back to the numerous times i typed those lyrics into this very blog, aimed at joe and how i felt like i couldn't feel anything for anyone else. but eventually i was able to. there was dave, who i liked. there was mike, though i don't know if that was love or comfort or settling for something so as to no longer be alone.. so i guess eventually i won't feel this anymore. i think i still have feelings for joe, but they are the same feelings i had in 2003.. feelings of sexual desire. i still know that even if he begged me, i couldn't marry him. but tom, i could marry him. i could marry him and love him forever. that simply isn't in the cards. i have to move on.
other things on my mind: seeing BRAND NEWWWWW in two days! i'm excited to gamble. i got paid today, i feel good about my money situation and my ability to spend probably hundreds (maybe $300, maybe $400) this upcoming weekend. maybe this weekend will be amazing. who knows.
still no word from dionne. this bothers me a little. like why reach out to me and say yr here for me when it's been almost two weeks since you have responded to a message i sent? i guess i just want to know what she thinks about my plan, and what she meant by a few sentences that had confused me. whatever though. i'm doing what i'm supposed to.
eh. i'm having such mixed feelings right now. i'm so in love but it's less intense. maybe it isn't love. maybe it was a fantasy. something i imagined to fill myself with hope and promise.
i can't think about this anymore.
...
to you i'm like a flavor that wouldn't last, you took one bite and spat me out real fast. and now this mark remains and will never ever go away.
from first to last
so i don't know. i'm very blah. no word from tom for two days. not that i've contacted him, either. i'm trying to fade away. maybe i won't even have to make my flowery speech about how i can't do this and neither can he. maybe it'll just melt away. i guess my thoughts are with him less and less, but the pain is still here. i rationalized everything on my drive to work this morning when i was thinking about joe. i don't think i was as insane about joe as i am about tom, though. i mean, i lusted after joe. the sexual chemistry was intense. but with tom, there was a connection. i always knew i couldn't end up with joe. he is a cheater. they don't change their colors. he just cheated on his girlfriend two days ago. i feel sort of guilty. i don't know why. i never felt guilty with laura, but i also had never seen her. i've never seen jenna in person but i've seen her myspace. i guess i did see pictures of laura, in his room. i don't know. i feel bad. even if we hadn't fooled around, he got in bed with me. he did not ask if i'd give him blankets for the couch. he put himself in the situation. he cuddled with me. maybe that's not cheating but i'd be pissed if my boyfriend was cuddling with another girl. he will always cheat. he will never be ready to settle down with one girl for the rest of his life. joe and i are nothing but amazing chemistry. i always thought that making conversation with him was secondary to getting into bed with him. but with tom, there is really something there. i'm happy to just hold his hand and drive in the car. see the sights that our areas have to offer. just be. so anyway, this all occured because taking back sunday came on the ipod. "why can't i feel anything for anyone other than you" was coming out of the speakers, and i was flashed back to the numerous times i typed those lyrics into this very blog, aimed at joe and how i felt like i couldn't feel anything for anyone else. but eventually i was able to. there was dave, who i liked. there was mike, though i don't know if that was love or comfort or settling for something so as to no longer be alone.. so i guess eventually i won't feel this anymore. i think i still have feelings for joe, but they are the same feelings i had in 2003.. feelings of sexual desire. i still know that even if he begged me, i couldn't marry him. but tom, i could marry him. i could marry him and love him forever. that simply isn't in the cards. i have to move on.
other things on my mind: seeing BRAND NEWWWWW in two days! i'm excited to gamble. i got paid today, i feel good about my money situation and my ability to spend probably hundreds (maybe $300, maybe $400) this upcoming weekend. maybe this weekend will be amazing. who knows.
still no word from dionne. this bothers me a little. like why reach out to me and say yr here for me when it's been almost two weeks since you have responded to a message i sent? i guess i just want to know what she thinks about my plan, and what she meant by a few sentences that had confused me. whatever though. i'm doing what i'm supposed to.
eh. i'm having such mixed feelings right now. i'm so in love but it's less intense. maybe it isn't love. maybe it was a fantasy. something i imagined to fill myself with hope and promise.
i can't think about this anymore.
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