Saturday, November 10, 2007
so i fall, i don't wanna feel this small,
you know i just can't handle this, handle this at all..
something corporate
you know i just can't handle this, handle this at all..
something corporate
blah. different shades of purple tonight. so listen, i'm losing my mind. i'm very sick, first off. i have a cold that has moved to my chest and it is BURNING from the cough. second, i think for the past 4 hours straight i have thought of one thing: tom. why can't i think of anything else ever? ugh.
i've talked to this one guy online and i'm not that interested, i might let it peter out. his emails are somewhat annoying, he overuses phrases and stuff. then there is another dude that i guess is ok so far, but his first email was really long. so i don't know. he also lives upstate. that means two bridges. not worth it unless there is a tom involved. so i don't know.
i keep replaying things over and over, the way things could have been different. if only i hadn't messaged him on okc when i was in GA, then we wouldn't have had the talk. and then maybe in the time it took to come up he would have really fallen in love with me, rather than having been simply falling in love with me.. maybe if i had backed off in the beginning he would have missed me while the idea of us was still fresh in his mind. and then i switch to the future, imagining me saying goodbye, all of the ways i could, all of the things i could say. i don't know. i just want to forget everything.. some eternal sunshine cure. but then i'd have to forget the good things, too. i wish i could just erase the last year of my life. poof, gone. i'd just be moving in to this place.. i'd be sad but managed. and i would accidentally delete the email he sent me reintroducing ourselves after our 5 year hiatus.
i want to scream sometimes. i have to not text him anymore. this week was too much. the flirtatious days are the worst. they give me hope and then a few days later i feel like crap because new hopes have been shattered.
i need to turn the brain off. i need to forget. i need to come up with something new to say here, because i'm so dull that i can't even handle reading my own words anymore.
i've talked to this one guy online and i'm not that interested, i might let it peter out. his emails are somewhat annoying, he overuses phrases and stuff. then there is another dude that i guess is ok so far, but his first email was really long. so i don't know. he also lives upstate. that means two bridges. not worth it unless there is a tom involved. so i don't know.
i keep replaying things over and over, the way things could have been different. if only i hadn't messaged him on okc when i was in GA, then we wouldn't have had the talk. and then maybe in the time it took to come up he would have really fallen in love with me, rather than having been simply falling in love with me.. maybe if i had backed off in the beginning he would have missed me while the idea of us was still fresh in his mind. and then i switch to the future, imagining me saying goodbye, all of the ways i could, all of the things i could say. i don't know. i just want to forget everything.. some eternal sunshine cure. but then i'd have to forget the good things, too. i wish i could just erase the last year of my life. poof, gone. i'd just be moving in to this place.. i'd be sad but managed. and i would accidentally delete the email he sent me reintroducing ourselves after our 5 year hiatus.
i want to scream sometimes. i have to not text him anymore. this week was too much. the flirtatious days are the worst. they give me hope and then a few days later i feel like crap because new hopes have been shattered.
i need to turn the brain off. i need to forget. i need to come up with something new to say here, because i'm so dull that i can't even handle reading my own words anymore.
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