Saturday, November 17, 2007
if i could i would shrink myself, sink through skin to yr blood cells, remove whatever makes you hurt, but i am too weak to be yr cure
brand new
brand new
that's the truth. i want to be your cure. but that is impossible because i don't think you want a cure. you want to hang on to what you are without me.
if i died in my sleep, that would be ok. seriously. i mean, i used to think that i'd rather be living, who would take care of kasha? but mike would. it's not like i'd kill myself, i wouldn't. i'd just be ok if one night i died in my sleep.
what do you do when you realize that life is just a long string of disappointments? do you keep on going, expecting to be disappointed? or do you give up and go through yr days without hope? aren't they one and the same? that's the phrase i wrote on the outside of my current journal three years ago, that first sentence. and nothing has changed. i'm still routinely disappointed. nothing works out the way i imagine it will. i'm still alone. but it's been three years since then. i wasn't alone the whole time i guess, but it feels like i was. being with mike was like being alone. i just want for once to be surprised and NOT be disappointed.
what i really want is you. for every day and every night. for you to see that we were meant to be together. that's so not going to happen. and if i do wind up with someone, i'll be settling.
i'm so repetitive. i don't even know why i write half the time. getting out the same thoughts over and over and over and over and over....... until i might as well stop recording everything because, really, what does it matter anyway? it's just a different boy but i'm pining the same way.
i want joe to sign on to AIM so i can see why he wanted me to wake up thursday night. i want to tell him that next time he wants me to wake up, he should text or call me. because i'll probably be sleeping alone and wanting someone there to pretend it's the boy i want to marry.
marriage. what the fuck? seriously, it's all i want, to be married (to tom). to come home every night (to tom), make dinner (for tom), and curl up on the couch (with tom). i'd give up my island life, move to new jersey. get a job there. i'd do anything. ANYTHING. i'd give anything.
there was joe again, twice, sign on, sign off. no time to ask. he's gone just as soon as he comes. this is not like him. he's always on. what the fuck do you have a sidekick for if you are on/off? is it broken? i got my period this morning anyway, and i'm sleeping at jans house tonight. so don't wake me up til next weekend, when i'm able to have emotionless sex at my apartment. maybe that's what i need. someone to use and abuse. but i can't bring myself to that. i talk to dudes on match and then i let it peter out. or i shy away from a request to talk on the phone. because i don't want to hurt anyone. i have this hope that tom will realize and if he did i would drop whoever i was with at a seconds notice. because i can't see myself growing old with anyone else. ever.
i need a nap. being awake is too difficult.
if i died in my sleep, that would be ok. seriously. i mean, i used to think that i'd rather be living, who would take care of kasha? but mike would. it's not like i'd kill myself, i wouldn't. i'd just be ok if one night i died in my sleep.
what do you do when you realize that life is just a long string of disappointments? do you keep on going, expecting to be disappointed? or do you give up and go through yr days without hope? aren't they one and the same? that's the phrase i wrote on the outside of my current journal three years ago, that first sentence. and nothing has changed. i'm still routinely disappointed. nothing works out the way i imagine it will. i'm still alone. but it's been three years since then. i wasn't alone the whole time i guess, but it feels like i was. being with mike was like being alone. i just want for once to be surprised and NOT be disappointed.
what i really want is you. for every day and every night. for you to see that we were meant to be together. that's so not going to happen. and if i do wind up with someone, i'll be settling.
i'm so repetitive. i don't even know why i write half the time. getting out the same thoughts over and over and over and over and over....... until i might as well stop recording everything because, really, what does it matter anyway? it's just a different boy but i'm pining the same way.
i want joe to sign on to AIM so i can see why he wanted me to wake up thursday night. i want to tell him that next time he wants me to wake up, he should text or call me. because i'll probably be sleeping alone and wanting someone there to pretend it's the boy i want to marry.
marriage. what the fuck? seriously, it's all i want, to be married (to tom). to come home every night (to tom), make dinner (for tom), and curl up on the couch (with tom). i'd give up my island life, move to new jersey. get a job there. i'd do anything. ANYTHING. i'd give anything.
there was joe again, twice, sign on, sign off. no time to ask. he's gone just as soon as he comes. this is not like him. he's always on. what the fuck do you have a sidekick for if you are on/off? is it broken? i got my period this morning anyway, and i'm sleeping at jans house tonight. so don't wake me up til next weekend, when i'm able to have emotionless sex at my apartment. maybe that's what i need. someone to use and abuse. but i can't bring myself to that. i talk to dudes on match and then i let it peter out. or i shy away from a request to talk on the phone. because i don't want to hurt anyone. i have this hope that tom will realize and if he did i would drop whoever i was with at a seconds notice. because i can't see myself growing old with anyone else. ever.
i need a nap. being awake is too difficult.
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