Monday, November 19, 2007
this is my 550th post.
so i have a lot to say but not a lot of time to say it. currently it is 12:40am which is a probbblemm. so i'll be quick. yesterday i randomly logged on to myspace and i had a message from... dionne. tom's ex-girlfriend/best friend. she wanted to see if i needed to talk. WEIRD. but i don't know, she insisted that even if i didn't want to talk, that i couldn't tell tom she contacted me. i told her what i was dealing with, and she said he has called her a lot about what's been going on. that he cares about me, but he is unsure if he is in love with me. that she keeps telling him to not string me along... i don't know. parts of me feel like it's good to get her perspective, but. she says he's confused. yesterday i felt good about this, like it was a revelation. today i'm back to not so good.
i have a new plan. i have to stick to it. after weston, i'm going to have a talk with him. i think we both need space. i think he needs time to himself without me to really decide what the deal is. and i need time to figure out if i'm really in love with him or if i'm deluding myself. because i truly believe that you can't be IN love alone. so maybe it's something else. a longing. i don't know. if we took a break from each other, maybe we could think more clearly. so now i'm hoping something DOES happen after weston because it would be a very convenient segue to this particular talk. it would show his confusion right then and there. there could be no thought about it. he needs to come to a realization about us. either he cares about me or he doesn't. well he does. but either he is IN LOVE with me or he isn't. and maybe distance from me will help him clear that up. this is the plan. this is a good plan. i feel good about it sometimes. we both need to clear our heads. we both need to sort out what is what. and we can't do that while we are periodically hooking up or texting almost every day.
i should not be awake right now. i'm really not very smart. i have my observation in the morning! this is horrendous. after this law & order i am so sleeping. kasha is already snuggled up to me. it's freezing in here tonight. i'm somewhat excited about this.
i'm so confused. i really am. this has to be the right decision, but how do you ever know? maybe i know nothing. maybe i've made this all up because i'm tired of being alone and he's a good friend. maybe i just need to meet someone else. maybe i should start going out again. i don't know.. this is all so silly and i can't figure it out.
i need my bed.
so i have a lot to say but not a lot of time to say it. currently it is 12:40am which is a probbblemm. so i'll be quick. yesterday i randomly logged on to myspace and i had a message from... dionne. tom's ex-girlfriend/best friend. she wanted to see if i needed to talk. WEIRD. but i don't know, she insisted that even if i didn't want to talk, that i couldn't tell tom she contacted me. i told her what i was dealing with, and she said he has called her a lot about what's been going on. that he cares about me, but he is unsure if he is in love with me. that she keeps telling him to not string me along... i don't know. parts of me feel like it's good to get her perspective, but. she says he's confused. yesterday i felt good about this, like it was a revelation. today i'm back to not so good.
i have a new plan. i have to stick to it. after weston, i'm going to have a talk with him. i think we both need space. i think he needs time to himself without me to really decide what the deal is. and i need time to figure out if i'm really in love with him or if i'm deluding myself. because i truly believe that you can't be IN love alone. so maybe it's something else. a longing. i don't know. if we took a break from each other, maybe we could think more clearly. so now i'm hoping something DOES happen after weston because it would be a very convenient segue to this particular talk. it would show his confusion right then and there. there could be no thought about it. he needs to come to a realization about us. either he cares about me or he doesn't. well he does. but either he is IN LOVE with me or he isn't. and maybe distance from me will help him clear that up. this is the plan. this is a good plan. i feel good about it sometimes. we both need to clear our heads. we both need to sort out what is what. and we can't do that while we are periodically hooking up or texting almost every day.
i should not be awake right now. i'm really not very smart. i have my observation in the morning! this is horrendous. after this law & order i am so sleeping. kasha is already snuggled up to me. it's freezing in here tonight. i'm somewhat excited about this.
i'm so confused. i really am. this has to be the right decision, but how do you ever know? maybe i know nothing. maybe i've made this all up because i'm tired of being alone and he's a good friend. maybe i just need to meet someone else. maybe i should start going out again. i don't know.. this is all so silly and i can't figure it out.
i need my bed.
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