Sunday, November 11, 2007
so i did some work on this blog thing last night, trying to restore what was. i don't know how i did. i definitely left off a bunch of links on my sidebar. whatever.
so i have decided, it's final. december 15th will be the end. i'm dreading the day. i want to keep composed. i don't want to cry. i want to say my piece (peace?) and be on my way. i keep imagining finding some evidence of a girl in his place and walking out, telling him to call her and take her to see weston. i have began to hate weekends. all i do is sit in my apartment and wonder if he's out, meeting girls, dating girls.. fucking pinktequila, i can't handle her at all. i wonder constantly if it's her he wants. 22 year old bisexual girl. those seem to be his type. maybe if i were bisexual he would feel overwhelmingly good about me and about us. but i'm not.
i haven't cried in a while. i think i'm numb. i don't know what to do anymore. i've become very antisocial. i bailed on ryan's party tonight, but it's ok because i'm sick. i have a jan & gille day planned for tomorrow. get her glasses, get a movie, eat some mini cakes. you know, if i'm going to be a hermit, i might as well be a fat hermit. makes all the sense in the world.
i don't want to be alone anymore, but i don't want to be with anyone, either. it's the biggest conflict ever. the only resolution is to be with TOM. obviously. but he has so many flaws to my picture of perfect. maybe it's just because i can't have him. maybe if i had him, i wouldn't be happy. but that's insane, because i was elated all the time when we were semi together. it was perfect. never a disagreement. maybe i'm looking back with rose colored glasses. that's crazy. i adore him. i want him as a permanent part of my life forever.
i need to get out of this funk. i need to just be ok. i'm not ok and that's not ok. so the plan has to be gone trough with. tell him this is goodbye. tell him that maybe when i don't think of him every day, first thing when i wake up, then we can be friends. but i don't think we can ever be friends. i don't think i can ever be just friends with him again. this is a problem. can't live with him, can't live without him.
goshiuehjksbufsagfusjksfnjksgbiuesgtusefnklnklaf!!!!
fucking.. ugh. fucking fuck. all i want to do right now is scream. every day i replay all these memories, snapshots of perfect days. getting ices. hiking in montauk. that stupid castle. eating zeppoles. watching the show on the big sinkhole in asia. atlantic city. just everything. everything everything everything everything. just be mine.
i can't do this. i have to begin the process of cutting ties. no more initiating text conversations. no more nothing. weston will come. i will say what i have to say. i will cry more tears than i thought were humanly possible while driving home in the middle of the night. and then, maybe then, i can let go. cry away the pain, cry away the love i feel.
i just want to disappear.
so i have decided, it's final. december 15th will be the end. i'm dreading the day. i want to keep composed. i don't want to cry. i want to say my piece (peace?) and be on my way. i keep imagining finding some evidence of a girl in his place and walking out, telling him to call her and take her to see weston. i have began to hate weekends. all i do is sit in my apartment and wonder if he's out, meeting girls, dating girls.. fucking pinktequila, i can't handle her at all. i wonder constantly if it's her he wants. 22 year old bisexual girl. those seem to be his type. maybe if i were bisexual he would feel overwhelmingly good about me and about us. but i'm not.
i haven't cried in a while. i think i'm numb. i don't know what to do anymore. i've become very antisocial. i bailed on ryan's party tonight, but it's ok because i'm sick. i have a jan & gille day planned for tomorrow. get her glasses, get a movie, eat some mini cakes. you know, if i'm going to be a hermit, i might as well be a fat hermit. makes all the sense in the world.
i don't want to be alone anymore, but i don't want to be with anyone, either. it's the biggest conflict ever. the only resolution is to be with TOM. obviously. but he has so many flaws to my picture of perfect. maybe it's just because i can't have him. maybe if i had him, i wouldn't be happy. but that's insane, because i was elated all the time when we were semi together. it was perfect. never a disagreement. maybe i'm looking back with rose colored glasses. that's crazy. i adore him. i want him as a permanent part of my life forever.
i need to get out of this funk. i need to just be ok. i'm not ok and that's not ok. so the plan has to be gone trough with. tell him this is goodbye. tell him that maybe when i don't think of him every day, first thing when i wake up, then we can be friends. but i don't think we can ever be friends. i don't think i can ever be just friends with him again. this is a problem. can't live with him, can't live without him.
goshiuehjksbufsagfusjksfnjksgbiuesgtusefnklnklaf!!!!
fucking.. ugh. fucking fuck. all i want to do right now is scream. every day i replay all these memories, snapshots of perfect days. getting ices. hiking in montauk. that stupid castle. eating zeppoles. watching the show on the big sinkhole in asia. atlantic city. just everything. everything everything everything everything. just be mine.
i can't do this. i have to begin the process of cutting ties. no more initiating text conversations. no more nothing. weston will come. i will say what i have to say. i will cry more tears than i thought were humanly possible while driving home in the middle of the night. and then, maybe then, i can let go. cry away the pain, cry away the love i feel.
i just want to disappear.
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