Saturday, November 29, 2003
*music* dashboard confessional
*mood* sleepy.
i have "here i go again" by whitesnake in my head.
so. those complex feelings have resurfaced. but i was going to behave. when yr face got too close to mine i got up and went to the bathroom to regain myself and resist the temptation of looking into yr eyes.. cos the second i do, its over. o-v-e-r. but then i lay facing you with my eyes closed, my legs tangled in yours, hugging you and rubbing yr belly, and you turned yr head toward me and there were yr lips, lightly brushing mine. i didnt know what to do. i tried to resist, i froze and i didnt move. but those thirty seconds felt like forever and i couldnt contain my affection any longer, so i let myself relax and you kissed me.. and it felt so wrong but so right and yr energy is still all over me. the way you looked at me and smiled, i felt so light and so playful and so happy and i couldnt imagine this not being a part of everything. everything. the way you hold me so tightly when you hug me, i feel so safe like nothing NOTHING could hurt me, could haunt me, could anything. the world stops when im in yr arms, everything is quiet and still and pure. the way you squeezed me as you said "i missed you so much." the way that everything makes sense, makes sense, makes so much sense.
but now im scared. bc i said i would be able to behave. and i didnt. what if you were counting on me to resist temptation? you knew you couldnt.. what if you needed me to be strong, and i failed? what if you cant trust yrself with me, and we grow apart? what if things are awkward now, bc i let you down? what if i ruined everything? well, its yr fault too, bc you knew you didnt trust yrself with me, you knew the chemistry would erupt and render you useless to control anything, especially the moment and what it brings and the electricity in the air when we are together. but youve pushed me away before when things got too intense for you, more than once..
is it like that with her? do you feel sparks and intensity when you look into her eyes? do you smile uncontrollably when yr with her? do you hold her so tight and warm and safe? i want to think its no, but if you wanted to be with her, then there must be some of these things. i wish they were for us and only us. in fact, i wish we were an us.. but we are not, and will not be. i close my eyes and i imagine that when i move back things could be different. but im only fooling myself. i want to think that yr in love with someone else, but i dont understand how it could be if you cant resist being with me when we see each other, how you could miss me, and think about me all the time.. if you were truly devoted and madly in love.. but i cant keep doing this to myself. i cant keep falling in love with you.
everyone says i shouldnt see you for a while. i tell them thats stupid. because i didnt see you for two and a half months before wednesday, and it was the same. and you know what? i didnt see you, i didnt talk to you, for FOUR AND A HALF YEARS and it still feels the same. to not see you would amount to nothing more than feeling this way and missing you, rather than feeling this way and seeing you. infrequently as it is, i still look forward to you holding me, to yr eyes, to yr belly, to yr voice, to cuddling, to falling in love over and over again.
star-crossed we are. star-crossed.
*mood* sleepy.
i have "here i go again" by whitesnake in my head.
so. those complex feelings have resurfaced. but i was going to behave. when yr face got too close to mine i got up and went to the bathroom to regain myself and resist the temptation of looking into yr eyes.. cos the second i do, its over. o-v-e-r. but then i lay facing you with my eyes closed, my legs tangled in yours, hugging you and rubbing yr belly, and you turned yr head toward me and there were yr lips, lightly brushing mine. i didnt know what to do. i tried to resist, i froze and i didnt move. but those thirty seconds felt like forever and i couldnt contain my affection any longer, so i let myself relax and you kissed me.. and it felt so wrong but so right and yr energy is still all over me. the way you looked at me and smiled, i felt so light and so playful and so happy and i couldnt imagine this not being a part of everything. everything. the way you hold me so tightly when you hug me, i feel so safe like nothing NOTHING could hurt me, could haunt me, could anything. the world stops when im in yr arms, everything is quiet and still and pure. the way you squeezed me as you said "i missed you so much." the way that everything makes sense, makes sense, makes so much sense.
but now im scared. bc i said i would be able to behave. and i didnt. what if you were counting on me to resist temptation? you knew you couldnt.. what if you needed me to be strong, and i failed? what if you cant trust yrself with me, and we grow apart? what if things are awkward now, bc i let you down? what if i ruined everything? well, its yr fault too, bc you knew you didnt trust yrself with me, you knew the chemistry would erupt and render you useless to control anything, especially the moment and what it brings and the electricity in the air when we are together. but youve pushed me away before when things got too intense for you, more than once..
is it like that with her? do you feel sparks and intensity when you look into her eyes? do you smile uncontrollably when yr with her? do you hold her so tight and warm and safe? i want to think its no, but if you wanted to be with her, then there must be some of these things. i wish they were for us and only us. in fact, i wish we were an us.. but we are not, and will not be. i close my eyes and i imagine that when i move back things could be different. but im only fooling myself. i want to think that yr in love with someone else, but i dont understand how it could be if you cant resist being with me when we see each other, how you could miss me, and think about me all the time.. if you were truly devoted and madly in love.. but i cant keep doing this to myself. i cant keep falling in love with you.
everyone says i shouldnt see you for a while. i tell them thats stupid. because i didnt see you for two and a half months before wednesday, and it was the same. and you know what? i didnt see you, i didnt talk to you, for FOUR AND A HALF YEARS and it still feels the same. to not see you would amount to nothing more than feeling this way and missing you, rather than feeling this way and seeing you. infrequently as it is, i still look forward to you holding me, to yr eyes, to yr belly, to yr voice, to cuddling, to falling in love over and over again.
star-crossed we are. star-crossed.
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