Monday, November 24, 2003
im tired. i just watched 4 episodes of queer as folk with candace. her friend michele lent it to us, and we are now obsessed. she wants to have a marathon session tomorrow night, 8 epsiodes. i told cliff i might hang out, but i dont know. must watch video!! ok im being lame, bc he lives in florida and i see him like never, but hey, we went to his premiere party in july, that was kinda recent.
work was bad again. first i was sad bc i asked bart who was gonna teach me guitar when he left on tour, and he was like "youll just have to come with." but i cant, even though i really really want to.. and i kinda cried for a sec.. i know they arent leaving till march, but.. i was like "im gonna miss you" and he was like "hey im not some huge part of yr life or anything" and i said something like "you guys are more important to me than you realize, and its going to be hard without you." and i teared up. im such a sissy girl. but he said that he knows, and that i mean a lot to him also. so yay. but then gregg showed me his schedule and it was as bad as a joey schedule! i was hysterical. i went into the room where lee was and i started crying hyserically, and then i was getting my shit together and ivan came over being an asshole and i was just like "fuck you" and he started with me, but jolynn told him to leave me alone. i think they are all starting to feel bad for me. its been four weeks now, and i cant make ends meet. im working 4 shifts, but making no money, and it feels so useless. ive been working my ass off trying to make as much money as i can on horrible shifts, and its not working. i made $115 yesterday (i used to make at least $150 on a sat morning in the bar), and $60 tonight (same as saturdays.. i used to work like bar 3 and make $150).. which is more than regular people make, i guess, but its no where near what i was making.. i was making like $400 a week, now i'm lucky to make $200 in a week. thats like half. im living on half of what i have been, and i havent paid a lot of my bills, i keep just letting the due date pass by bc i know i dont have it. i still need $175 for rent, though i have like $110 of it that still needs to be deposited. and i dont have school again till dec 3 or something, which is 3 days later than rent is due, and i have my rutgers paycheck there.. so im like. well, ok, ill have $161, but not till after rent and im freaking out. FREAKING OUT. i cant borrow money from my parents, and i dont wanna borrow it from kim or candace bc it always comes between friends. kim and i were on our way home tonight and she was like "gille, baxter owes me $500 for like 8 months now, and im cool with him." and i know that, but i mean.. thats the thing. baxter owes her $500, her old roommates owe her money, everyone owes kim money. and i dont wanna be another one, esp since im like teetering with her.. i was so mad at her for ruining my dinner party and taking it over, and i dont like how she is when shes drunk, shes everything she knew she would be when she was straght edge, and ive lost so much respect for her. i admired her strength to be the one who stayed sober bc she knew it wasnt good, and now she drinks with everyone, and shes a mean drunk.. i dont like when people treat me like shit, and esp when they are drunk. its fucked up. but then, when i was a mess tonight at work, she was not going anywhere until she knew i was going home, and she told me i should go to her place, that she had a lot of work to do, but it was ok.. shes there for me no matter what, even though i barely talked to her at work, and she asked lee if i was mad at her.. despite that, she waited for me and said we could get food or go home or do whatever. and even though i told her to leave like four times, she hung around to make sure. so i dont know.. in some ways i think weve grown apart and that i dont want to be friends with someone who talks to me like she does when she drinks, but.. ugh everything is always so complicated.
anyway. i have to go write in my paper journal. i have been neglecting it since i started this, and the reason i keep a journal is to always be able to look back on my life and see what i did when and how and why and all the emotions i felt or thought i felt or hurt. and i have stopped bc its easier to type than to hold the pen, and i've lost the motivation to write down an idea when it pops into my head bc i no longer sleep with my journal on the floor beside me.. so im losing all my thoughts to time, and i dont like how i feel when i realize that my life is passing and im not writing. and besides, some things are too personal for you, so there. not that i think anyone even reads this, its a rare occasion that i put the link in my away messages anymore, and its not like i tell people to go look at it.
so i bid you farewell for the evening, and maybe for the week.. because i need to concentrate on preserving my paper trail of heart break and crazy interludes.
work was bad again. first i was sad bc i asked bart who was gonna teach me guitar when he left on tour, and he was like "youll just have to come with." but i cant, even though i really really want to.. and i kinda cried for a sec.. i know they arent leaving till march, but.. i was like "im gonna miss you" and he was like "hey im not some huge part of yr life or anything" and i said something like "you guys are more important to me than you realize, and its going to be hard without you." and i teared up. im such a sissy girl. but he said that he knows, and that i mean a lot to him also. so yay. but then gregg showed me his schedule and it was as bad as a joey schedule! i was hysterical. i went into the room where lee was and i started crying hyserically, and then i was getting my shit together and ivan came over being an asshole and i was just like "fuck you" and he started with me, but jolynn told him to leave me alone. i think they are all starting to feel bad for me. its been four weeks now, and i cant make ends meet. im working 4 shifts, but making no money, and it feels so useless. ive been working my ass off trying to make as much money as i can on horrible shifts, and its not working. i made $115 yesterday (i used to make at least $150 on a sat morning in the bar), and $60 tonight (same as saturdays.. i used to work like bar 3 and make $150).. which is more than regular people make, i guess, but its no where near what i was making.. i was making like $400 a week, now i'm lucky to make $200 in a week. thats like half. im living on half of what i have been, and i havent paid a lot of my bills, i keep just letting the due date pass by bc i know i dont have it. i still need $175 for rent, though i have like $110 of it that still needs to be deposited. and i dont have school again till dec 3 or something, which is 3 days later than rent is due, and i have my rutgers paycheck there.. so im like. well, ok, ill have $161, but not till after rent and im freaking out. FREAKING OUT. i cant borrow money from my parents, and i dont wanna borrow it from kim or candace bc it always comes between friends. kim and i were on our way home tonight and she was like "gille, baxter owes me $500 for like 8 months now, and im cool with him." and i know that, but i mean.. thats the thing. baxter owes her $500, her old roommates owe her money, everyone owes kim money. and i dont wanna be another one, esp since im like teetering with her.. i was so mad at her for ruining my dinner party and taking it over, and i dont like how she is when shes drunk, shes everything she knew she would be when she was straght edge, and ive lost so much respect for her. i admired her strength to be the one who stayed sober bc she knew it wasnt good, and now she drinks with everyone, and shes a mean drunk.. i dont like when people treat me like shit, and esp when they are drunk. its fucked up. but then, when i was a mess tonight at work, she was not going anywhere until she knew i was going home, and she told me i should go to her place, that she had a lot of work to do, but it was ok.. shes there for me no matter what, even though i barely talked to her at work, and she asked lee if i was mad at her.. despite that, she waited for me and said we could get food or go home or do whatever. and even though i told her to leave like four times, she hung around to make sure. so i dont know.. in some ways i think weve grown apart and that i dont want to be friends with someone who talks to me like she does when she drinks, but.. ugh everything is always so complicated.
anyway. i have to go write in my paper journal. i have been neglecting it since i started this, and the reason i keep a journal is to always be able to look back on my life and see what i did when and how and why and all the emotions i felt or thought i felt or hurt. and i have stopped bc its easier to type than to hold the pen, and i've lost the motivation to write down an idea when it pops into my head bc i no longer sleep with my journal on the floor beside me.. so im losing all my thoughts to time, and i dont like how i feel when i realize that my life is passing and im not writing. and besides, some things are too personal for you, so there. not that i think anyone even reads this, its a rare occasion that i put the link in my away messages anymore, and its not like i tell people to go look at it.
so i bid you farewell for the evening, and maybe for the week.. because i need to concentrate on preserving my paper trail of heart break and crazy interludes.
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