is it too late to heal?

i am so scared to leave. i don't know when i started to feel this way, but i just realized it. i'm afraid that all the people who are important to me will fade into the background and disappear, like all my friends from high school, and pretty much all my friends from college. and all my friends from my days as a scenster. i guess the most i still have are from the show days, but i dont know, it kinda bothers me a lot that so many people have gone through my life, and it is probably about to happen again. i know i'll stay in touch with candace. but i live with her and we're pretty close. but im scared that i'll lose touch with the saints boys, and jesse.. and im kinda bummed about probably never seeing ninety nine percent of the chevys people again. i guess if it bothered me that much, i'd make an effort to keep in touch, but i guess i just feel like i wouldnt hang out with most of them in real life, they are just cool to hang out with at work. kim and i had our dinner party last night, and bart and michael were late so i had to make their soup second. i was doing dishes, so i asked baxter to clear the table. he did, and he was scraping plates, and for some reason, he came over and dumped out half of the ingredients for the soup that were on one plate, i guess just cos it was a dirty plate and he was kinda drunk. but so when i made the second batch of soup, it was short onions and potato skins.. it was basically soup and potatoes. and since it was missing so much, it wasnt thick. and i was a bit messed up so i poured in a ton of pepper. i decided it was ok bc they are from texas. but anyway. i was leaving and i apologized to them bc the soup wasnt that good, and i was like "so when you guys are famous, you'll remember me as the girl who made bad soup." but bart said that was untrue, that it was good soup, and that we wouldnt lose contact. i dont know though.. im not the type of person who talks on the phone, and if they go out on tour or something, then i dont know if ill ever see them again. i wish that there was some way to amend this, bc it really upsets me that im going to be going back to the place i swore i'd never return to. when i left long island, i was pretty sure i was leaving it for good, and i never wanted to go back. i hate the people and how they are and all the crap. but then i think about my friends.. and most of my friends are from long island, and all the people i'm still in touch with are from long island. even sean, who is the only person i still see from college, is from li, and living on li. and then there are the people that, even though i never see now, i'll probably see more again when i move home, and we'll probably be as cool as we were before i left, like katie and jamie.. both of whom i see like once or twice a year right now. and kurt, and maybe joe. i dont know, maybe it wont be so bad, but i dont want to leave the others behind. ryan is going to stay here or move to nj or something.. i dont know what john is doing. but i'll probably see them less and less.. ugh. must go to school and be an outstanding scholar...