Friday, November 14, 2003
sometimes i am acutely aware of the fact that i might be the most stupid girl to have *ever* walked the face of the earth. seriously. tonight is one of those nights....
its cold out, and the wind is blowing really hard. and i wish that you were here to protect me from it. maybe you would be if i hadn't pushed you away. i know im dwelling on this, and that i've been kind of obsessed lately. maybe it's just bc i saw you, and when i saw you smile, it all came back. maybe its because i have had such a lack of significant emotion for so long that im searching for something to prove that i still feel, that i have the capability to still have emotions that mean anything.
but then i realize that im the asshole, and that i was .. i dont know. naive. like, i weigh these things. i was honestly scared. i was actually petrified. but that is the least of it. the worst part is that i completely screwed everything up, our chances of continuing to know each other, our chances at ever meaning something, anything, even in the smallest degree, to each other, when i jumped into a new relationship. and what bothers me the most is that i completely alienated you for the WORLDS WORST BOY.
i know i keep saying these things, and i keep harping on myself, and beating myself up. maybe i'm just tired of waking up alone. maybe im tired of being alone. or maybe, just maybe, i truly miss you. i'm betting on the latter.
but.... as much cleaner as my head has become over the past year, its still a mess. im here and there, i never know exactly how i feel at any given moment....... sometimes im like well i dont wish that things were different, that we were still together or that we could know each other and have the potential to establish something. but at the same time, i cant help but wonder if you were the one i should be with, bc you so soothed me, you so made me feel like i was worth something, you so made me the best person i could possibly be..
i cant think about this anymore. im going to bed. just to wake up alone again in seven hours. ughhhhh. fuck. ok. bye.
its cold out, and the wind is blowing really hard. and i wish that you were here to protect me from it. maybe you would be if i hadn't pushed you away. i know im dwelling on this, and that i've been kind of obsessed lately. maybe it's just bc i saw you, and when i saw you smile, it all came back. maybe its because i have had such a lack of significant emotion for so long that im searching for something to prove that i still feel, that i have the capability to still have emotions that mean anything.
but then i realize that im the asshole, and that i was .. i dont know. naive. like, i weigh these things. i was honestly scared. i was actually petrified. but that is the least of it. the worst part is that i completely screwed everything up, our chances of continuing to know each other, our chances at ever meaning something, anything, even in the smallest degree, to each other, when i jumped into a new relationship. and what bothers me the most is that i completely alienated you for the WORLDS WORST BOY.
i know i keep saying these things, and i keep harping on myself, and beating myself up. maybe i'm just tired of waking up alone. maybe im tired of being alone. or maybe, just maybe, i truly miss you. i'm betting on the latter.
but.... as much cleaner as my head has become over the past year, its still a mess. im here and there, i never know exactly how i feel at any given moment....... sometimes im like well i dont wish that things were different, that we were still together or that we could know each other and have the potential to establish something. but at the same time, i cant help but wonder if you were the one i should be with, bc you so soothed me, you so made me feel like i was worth something, you so made me the best person i could possibly be..
i cant think about this anymore. im going to bed. just to wake up alone again in seven hours. ughhhhh. fuck. ok. bye.
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