Friday, February 08, 2008
he's gone.
i don't really know what happened. i don't really understand. or i do, i just don't want to. he said he isn't ready for this. he said there was too much work to be done on himself. he finally opened up about the "past traumas". he said he has feelings for me, and that he sees potential in us. he just can't have a relationship right now. and we can't hang out, either. he said he can't simply sit on the sofa with me and watch a movie without wanting to cuddle with me. without wanting to kiss me.
i understand why this is happening, i just don't want it to happen. and i care for him so deeply that i want him to be well more than i want to be happy. but this weekend will be so hard. no movies saturday night. no human blanket, no crossword sunday morning. no hand holding, no cinnamon rolls, no coffee. no non-stop affection. no more of his scent. it's just over. it has to be over. and i don't know why.
i offered to see each other less, but he said he didn't want to feel like he was keeping me waiting. he said we did everything right, that he has no regrets because he learned that someone could really like him, could express that they care, and that he could get close to someone. so i was a learning experience.
he said he was sad. he said when he gets sad, he will let himself be sad. he isn't going to come back. i have hope that maybe one day, when he's at a better place in his life, we can rekindle the spark that burned between us. but i can't hold out for that.
he said we could keep in touch, that he wants to know i'm ok. and how i am. and what i've been doing. he said we could talk on the phone. maybe meet for coffee. we just can't hang out in one of our apartments and watch a movie.
all i wanted was to be there for him. to support him, to be there through the good and the bad. i wanted to be someone he could trust, he could count on, who could help him to be the best version of himself. and i wanted him to continue to make me into the best version of myself. with him i felt so safe. i felt like i could be anything, i could be myself and i could be the best me i could ever be. i thought that we could take on the world together. i thought i could fall in love with him and never let go. always love him. always share in the good and be there for him through the bad. but this is no longer possible.
yesterday morning i cried so hard that i had to puke. it was one of those times that you wake up and you think yr ok until you are out of the shower. getting dressed was too hard. i broke down on my bedroom floor, heaving with tears. and i'm crying more and more. watching law & order. at commercials. things that i hadn't cried about in so long, i'm crying over again. it comes in spurts.
wednesday night i kept waking up from these dreams. and in these dreams, i was going into the past to right the wrongs that had been done to him. i would tell him about what i did, how i'd tried to make everything right. i was trying to erase the pain and make it okay. but they were just dreams, and i'd wake up and not be able to fall back to sleep. i'd just lay there, wondering if there would ever be something i could do to prove to him that what we had was worth every minute of our lives together.
it was only six weeks. i know i'd be foolish to suggest that we had a long future together. but i liked to think we could. that we could help each other grow and challenge each other to overcome the bad and focus on the good. 2008 had so much potential, and now i'm overcome with sadness.
i agree with him that there are no regrets. i cared so much and i was able to express my feelings without regret for the first time in a long time. i was patient, i was caring, i was there for him. and he was there for me. but it's not ok. i'm not ok. i feel lost and there is this emptiness tearing at my soul. i feel scared, i have to face a future that does not include the man of my dreams. i don't feel like i'm no longer a whole person, i just feel like i lost a piece of me that i was willing to give away. a piece of my heart which i hope he will safeguard forever. a piece of my heart that will keep him safe and warm and provide him with the hope he needs to become a well person. and the hope he needs to keep the passion and the spark that burn so brightly within him. the things that make him the most amazing man on the entire planet.
i don't really know what happened. i don't really understand. or i do, i just don't want to. he said he isn't ready for this. he said there was too much work to be done on himself. he finally opened up about the "past traumas". he said he has feelings for me, and that he sees potential in us. he just can't have a relationship right now. and we can't hang out, either. he said he can't simply sit on the sofa with me and watch a movie without wanting to cuddle with me. without wanting to kiss me.
i understand why this is happening, i just don't want it to happen. and i care for him so deeply that i want him to be well more than i want to be happy. but this weekend will be so hard. no movies saturday night. no human blanket, no crossword sunday morning. no hand holding, no cinnamon rolls, no coffee. no non-stop affection. no more of his scent. it's just over. it has to be over. and i don't know why.
i offered to see each other less, but he said he didn't want to feel like he was keeping me waiting. he said we did everything right, that he has no regrets because he learned that someone could really like him, could express that they care, and that he could get close to someone. so i was a learning experience.
he said he was sad. he said when he gets sad, he will let himself be sad. he isn't going to come back. i have hope that maybe one day, when he's at a better place in his life, we can rekindle the spark that burned between us. but i can't hold out for that.
he said we could keep in touch, that he wants to know i'm ok. and how i am. and what i've been doing. he said we could talk on the phone. maybe meet for coffee. we just can't hang out in one of our apartments and watch a movie.
all i wanted was to be there for him. to support him, to be there through the good and the bad. i wanted to be someone he could trust, he could count on, who could help him to be the best version of himself. and i wanted him to continue to make me into the best version of myself. with him i felt so safe. i felt like i could be anything, i could be myself and i could be the best me i could ever be. i thought that we could take on the world together. i thought i could fall in love with him and never let go. always love him. always share in the good and be there for him through the bad. but this is no longer possible.
yesterday morning i cried so hard that i had to puke. it was one of those times that you wake up and you think yr ok until you are out of the shower. getting dressed was too hard. i broke down on my bedroom floor, heaving with tears. and i'm crying more and more. watching law & order. at commercials. things that i hadn't cried about in so long, i'm crying over again. it comes in spurts.
wednesday night i kept waking up from these dreams. and in these dreams, i was going into the past to right the wrongs that had been done to him. i would tell him about what i did, how i'd tried to make everything right. i was trying to erase the pain and make it okay. but they were just dreams, and i'd wake up and not be able to fall back to sleep. i'd just lay there, wondering if there would ever be something i could do to prove to him that what we had was worth every minute of our lives together.
it was only six weeks. i know i'd be foolish to suggest that we had a long future together. but i liked to think we could. that we could help each other grow and challenge each other to overcome the bad and focus on the good. 2008 had so much potential, and now i'm overcome with sadness.
i agree with him that there are no regrets. i cared so much and i was able to express my feelings without regret for the first time in a long time. i was patient, i was caring, i was there for him. and he was there for me. but it's not ok. i'm not ok. i feel lost and there is this emptiness tearing at my soul. i feel scared, i have to face a future that does not include the man of my dreams. i don't feel like i'm no longer a whole person, i just feel like i lost a piece of me that i was willing to give away. a piece of my heart which i hope he will safeguard forever. a piece of my heart that will keep him safe and warm and provide him with the hope he needs to become a well person. and the hope he needs to keep the passion and the spark that burn so brightly within him. the things that make him the most amazing man on the entire planet.
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