Sunday, February 10, 2008
in your eyes, i saw a future together
but you just looked away..
but you just looked away..
in the distance.
tori amos
i miss you so much right now. it's 2am. we should be laying in bed together. perhaps asleep. cuddling. we should be together. the storm will arrive tomorrow morning, when i wake up alone. when you aren't with me. all day and all night i have been thinking about what we should be doing. at 3 i thought i should be getting ready to leave for jersey. at 4 i thought i should be getting in my car. at 6 i thought i should just be arriving to your apartment. at 8 i thought we should be making coffee. at 11, i thought we should be watching a movie. but none of those things were happening.
i can't figure out what is going on. i can't stop thinking about you. wondering what you are doing. wondering if saturday night coffee time was the same without me. you measuring the sugar into my mug. knowing exactly how i take my coffee. you watched me make it once, and you got it right every time to follow. wondering if you went to bed lonely. if you thought of me as you were falling asleep.
in six hours it will be 8:15. all the times you woke up, telling me "it's 8:15, time to get up!" with such cheer in your voice. sunday is yr favorite day of the week. time to get up! time for coffee! time to get the paper! you putting yr arms around me, inching yr way over until you lay diagonally across me, proclaiming "i'm a human blanket!" kissing me despite the fact that we both had dragon breath. so snuggly. so wonderful. sunday morning.
tori amos
i miss you so much right now. it's 2am. we should be laying in bed together. perhaps asleep. cuddling. we should be together. the storm will arrive tomorrow morning, when i wake up alone. when you aren't with me. all day and all night i have been thinking about what we should be doing. at 3 i thought i should be getting ready to leave for jersey. at 4 i thought i should be getting in my car. at 6 i thought i should just be arriving to your apartment. at 8 i thought we should be making coffee. at 11, i thought we should be watching a movie. but none of those things were happening.
i can't figure out what is going on. i can't stop thinking about you. wondering what you are doing. wondering if saturday night coffee time was the same without me. you measuring the sugar into my mug. knowing exactly how i take my coffee. you watched me make it once, and you got it right every time to follow. wondering if you went to bed lonely. if you thought of me as you were falling asleep.
in six hours it will be 8:15. all the times you woke up, telling me "it's 8:15, time to get up!" with such cheer in your voice. sunday is yr favorite day of the week. time to get up! time for coffee! time to get the paper! you putting yr arms around me, inching yr way over until you lay diagonally across me, proclaiming "i'm a human blanket!" kissing me despite the fact that we both had dragon breath. so snuggly. so wonderful. sunday morning.
getting up, making coffee. walking together to get the paper. coming back to bake the cinnamon rolls, drink our coffee, and smoke a cigarette. you always go through the paper the same way. you take out the book review and the magazine. you flip through each before turning to the puzzle. you would settle onto the sofa, pulling me into you as we worked our puzzles simultaneously. random kisses. sweet affection. those sunday mornings, those six sunday mornings, i swear they were the best days of my entire life.
but they are gone. you are gone. and tomorrow will leave me empty and alone. i'll sit here, alone, working my puzzle, wishing you were here for me to whine to when i don't know the answer. "it's too haaaard." waiting for something to be making you uncomfortable, waiting to hear you make the dinosaur hatching from it's shell noise that signals something is not in it's right place. i hear that noise in my head every time i see the pillows on my couch.
when i close my eyes, i see yours, searching mine. with that look that i swore might have been love, had i not known better. when i close my eyes i swear i can feel you beside me. i swear i can hear your heart beat. smell your scent. i swear you are here. but you aren't.
when i dream, i dream of saving you. i dream i could make the past right, and you would want to be with me again.
when i daydream, i imagine waking up tomorrow, going out to get the paper. coming home and settling in. then i imagine my buzzer sounding. i imagine it's you. i buzz you in, and you come up with yr times magazine in one hand and a thing of cinnamon rolls in the other. you tell me "i couldn't do sunday morning without you. it wasn't the same. so here i am." this will not happen. but i wish, i wish, i wish it would.
you were the man of my dreams. you ARE the man of my dreams. i've known you were the one for almost six years. and i had you for a brief moment in time. but now it's over. i can't reconcile these ideas. when we reconnected and it was great, i swore that maybe i'd been right about something in my life. that our timing was off back then, and now was our chance to realize the fire that burned between us. and now i am here, alone, and i have to live out the rest of my years without the man of my dreams.
so instead of holding yr hand, i'm constantly holding a cigarette. and instead of watching a movie with you, i watched a movie with jan. and instead of spending sunday morning with you, i'll spend it with kasha and lindsay. but none of that feels right. what felt right was spending my time with you. what felt right was looking into yr eyes and seeing all i saw in you. what was right was you and i. more right than anything that exists on earth. more right than anything that has ever existed at any time in the universe. it was us, and now everything is wrong.
i miss you, i miss you, i miss you, i miss you, i miss you, i miss you so much. thanks, robert smith, for that line. it's repeating in my brain. it has been repeating in my brain for the whole day.
being with you meant that there was potential for me to end up with my soulmate. to have the love of a lifetime. to have someone who made me the best version of myself. and now i'm without you, and i'm back to the mediocre version of myself.
and all i want is to have you here with me.
i miss you more than i have ever missed another human being. i miss you more than i could ever miss another human being.
but they are gone. you are gone. and tomorrow will leave me empty and alone. i'll sit here, alone, working my puzzle, wishing you were here for me to whine to when i don't know the answer. "it's too haaaard." waiting for something to be making you uncomfortable, waiting to hear you make the dinosaur hatching from it's shell noise that signals something is not in it's right place. i hear that noise in my head every time i see the pillows on my couch.
when i close my eyes, i see yours, searching mine. with that look that i swore might have been love, had i not known better. when i close my eyes i swear i can feel you beside me. i swear i can hear your heart beat. smell your scent. i swear you are here. but you aren't.
when i dream, i dream of saving you. i dream i could make the past right, and you would want to be with me again.
when i daydream, i imagine waking up tomorrow, going out to get the paper. coming home and settling in. then i imagine my buzzer sounding. i imagine it's you. i buzz you in, and you come up with yr times magazine in one hand and a thing of cinnamon rolls in the other. you tell me "i couldn't do sunday morning without you. it wasn't the same. so here i am." this will not happen. but i wish, i wish, i wish it would.
you were the man of my dreams. you ARE the man of my dreams. i've known you were the one for almost six years. and i had you for a brief moment in time. but now it's over. i can't reconcile these ideas. when we reconnected and it was great, i swore that maybe i'd been right about something in my life. that our timing was off back then, and now was our chance to realize the fire that burned between us. and now i am here, alone, and i have to live out the rest of my years without the man of my dreams.
so instead of holding yr hand, i'm constantly holding a cigarette. and instead of watching a movie with you, i watched a movie with jan. and instead of spending sunday morning with you, i'll spend it with kasha and lindsay. but none of that feels right. what felt right was spending my time with you. what felt right was looking into yr eyes and seeing all i saw in you. what was right was you and i. more right than anything that exists on earth. more right than anything that has ever existed at any time in the universe. it was us, and now everything is wrong.
i miss you, i miss you, i miss you, i miss you, i miss you, i miss you so much. thanks, robert smith, for that line. it's repeating in my brain. it has been repeating in my brain for the whole day.
being with you meant that there was potential for me to end up with my soulmate. to have the love of a lifetime. to have someone who made me the best version of myself. and now i'm without you, and i'm back to the mediocre version of myself.
and all i want is to have you here with me.
i miss you more than i have ever missed another human being. i miss you more than i could ever miss another human being.
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