Friday, December 12, 2003
i wrote a 10 page paper today. well. actually im only on 8.5, but shhhh dont tell candace. ill finish it in the morning. maybe. im supposed to go to the library but i think i will not. take that!
i cant remember if i already posted a blog today. i think i thought about it earlier, but i didnt actually do it. sigh.
had an emotional conversation with my boy mike tonight.. he told me i need to move past my feelings for the enigma.. and i agree, only its not that easy. i wish it was. because im tired of feeling this way. why do i believe him when he sends an "i miss you"? i mean.. he could have been with me. what really gets me is that i resisted him. when things started to get more intense in february and march last year, i tried to avoid it. he would tell me about how hes liked me for 6 years and thought of me all the time while we werent talking and id be like "aw." never once caving, always resisting, and i actually told him i didnt know how i feel, and that i was still hurt and didnt know if i could trust him. but he kept at it, and started saying all these things that made me break down the wall and boom! all the sudden i express that i might feel it, too, and hes like "yah, i have a girl.." so whatever. but that wasnt enough. he had to continue with the "good morning beautiful"s and all that crap that kept me reeled in. and he cheated, and they broke up and i thought it meant something. i fucking went to CT for less than 10 hours just to keep him company. and what i got in return was to be passed over. mike said he's using me. bc he cant see me without stuff happening. i always wanted to think its just bc he doesnt know what he wants, but he wants her. and i fell for it, and i let myself open up, and its my fault in that way. i should have gone with my instinct and pretended the feelings were gone, lost forever..
anyway. im tired and my eyes burn from crying before. im just tired of being beautiful and amazing and everyones perfect girl with "if..." statements starting off every conversation.. if this was texas, if i didnt have a girlfriend, if we were closer, if things were different. just keep yr fucking mouth shut unless you intend to follow through with yr supposed adoration. im tired of being this fabulous little ball of wonderful that everyone wishes they could change things for, but no one wants to actually be with. im tired of flighty people, im tired of people bearing their feelings and then turning their backs.. like fuckin baxter, who told me that if this was texas... yr everything i ever wanted in a girl, but were moving in different directions.. blah blah. its not like i asked him why we werent together or even suggested we should be. he just started talking, held my hand all night, made me go home with them.. and then told kim that she had to sleep in the room with us bc it would be weird if stuff happened, and then avoid me for a month after. i wasnt gonna make a move, and i understand that it would be weird, and that he respects me too much to just sleep with me and be like, ok, we're just friends, though. you know? he's told me that, like when jolynn suggested we sleep together to relieve the sexual tension we'd both built up. but then why tell me im all these wonderful things? it just makes it harder for me, it just makes me sad. because no one wants to be a permanent fixture in my life. fuck you all, seriously. im awesome, yr all missing out.
i cant remember if i already posted a blog today. i think i thought about it earlier, but i didnt actually do it. sigh.
had an emotional conversation with my boy mike tonight.. he told me i need to move past my feelings for the enigma.. and i agree, only its not that easy. i wish it was. because im tired of feeling this way. why do i believe him when he sends an "i miss you"? i mean.. he could have been with me. what really gets me is that i resisted him. when things started to get more intense in february and march last year, i tried to avoid it. he would tell me about how hes liked me for 6 years and thought of me all the time while we werent talking and id be like "aw." never once caving, always resisting, and i actually told him i didnt know how i feel, and that i was still hurt and didnt know if i could trust him. but he kept at it, and started saying all these things that made me break down the wall and boom! all the sudden i express that i might feel it, too, and hes like "yah, i have a girl.." so whatever. but that wasnt enough. he had to continue with the "good morning beautiful"s and all that crap that kept me reeled in. and he cheated, and they broke up and i thought it meant something. i fucking went to CT for less than 10 hours just to keep him company. and what i got in return was to be passed over. mike said he's using me. bc he cant see me without stuff happening. i always wanted to think its just bc he doesnt know what he wants, but he wants her. and i fell for it, and i let myself open up, and its my fault in that way. i should have gone with my instinct and pretended the feelings were gone, lost forever..
anyway. im tired and my eyes burn from crying before. im just tired of being beautiful and amazing and everyones perfect girl with "if..." statements starting off every conversation.. if this was texas, if i didnt have a girlfriend, if we were closer, if things were different. just keep yr fucking mouth shut unless you intend to follow through with yr supposed adoration. im tired of being this fabulous little ball of wonderful that everyone wishes they could change things for, but no one wants to actually be with. im tired of flighty people, im tired of people bearing their feelings and then turning their backs.. like fuckin baxter, who told me that if this was texas... yr everything i ever wanted in a girl, but were moving in different directions.. blah blah. its not like i asked him why we werent together or even suggested we should be. he just started talking, held my hand all night, made me go home with them.. and then told kim that she had to sleep in the room with us bc it would be weird if stuff happened, and then avoid me for a month after. i wasnt gonna make a move, and i understand that it would be weird, and that he respects me too much to just sleep with me and be like, ok, we're just friends, though. you know? he's told me that, like when jolynn suggested we sleep together to relieve the sexual tension we'd both built up. but then why tell me im all these wonderful things? it just makes it harder for me, it just makes me sad. because no one wants to be a permanent fixture in my life. fuck you all, seriously. im awesome, yr all missing out.
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