Thursday, December 18, 2003
..if i could start again, a million miles away, i would keep myself, i would find a way..
..i'm talented at breathing, especially exhaling, so that my chest will rise and fall with yours..
i did that whole library thing again.. except today the copies cost me $25. that blew my mind. i was like.. this is CRAZY. cos kind of it was. but then i met up with kimberly, we went to the best diner in the city, the malibu. we got soo much fooood!! fuckin, we shared FIVE plates. we started off with mozzerella sticks, then we shared grilled cheese, a pizza bagel, and a plate of mashed potatoes. the diner was really busy so we just babbled and babbled for like 3 hours. we were finished eating for like an hour before our waiter checked back on us. which was fine bc we were chatting and laughing and being our crazy selves. my favorite thing about kim is that we both talk in sounds, so we understand each other, lol. plus we are both crazy. like mentally off, not like "WWOOOOO PARTY." you know. so then we shared a piece of cheesecake, and i had like four cups of coffee and we were like blah blah blah. then kim got sleepy, so we asked for our check. then we went to cvs, where some girl was like "the line is over here" all snotty, and we were like "yah, we're coming" cos we had just stopped to look at something. bitch was acting like we were trying to cut the line or something. it was funny though. we took the E train and marvelled at the penned in little sealed off staircase on the front end of the 23rd St platform. i got off at my stop, and went to the ghost. so i get on the train, and i sit down, and then this lady comes on, and the girl sitting perpendicular to the row of seats im in has her feet on the seat in front of her, and this lady glares at her, making her remove her feet, and sits next to me instead of on the seat the girl moved her feet from, and puts her BAG on the seat. i was like "you people.." its like the time antonia and i were on the train and this fat lady asked antonia if she could get up so (fat lady) she could sit, and she didnt really need two seats, but she wanted to put her bags on one.. and antonia stood while this ladys bags got to sit. it also bothers me when yr squished in yr seat, and then someone who is way too big for the small space left sits down, and then worms their way into taking up enough room for two people while everyone else suffers. or they like spill over onto yr seat. also, i cant stand people who stand on the walk side (the LEFT SIDE, for those of you who suck and dont know it) of the escalator. i have the worst problem with those type, and im always like "SCUSE ME" as i push past them. motherfuckers.
my head feels itchy, but im relatively clean right now. i still smell nice. i took a shower before bed last night. i finished my research to the best of my.. well, no im lying. i could have done so much better, but im a slacker, and therefore, i did it to the best of my last minute ability.. but i finished it nonetheless, it does not really correlate to what i wanted to do, so i shall improvise and write a shitty paper. i dont care about my grade anymore. im tired of school. i just wanna be DONE. one C won't kill me. so take that professor princeton man with wayyy high expectations from rutgers students. we're here bc we didn't get into ivy league schools, guy. dont treat us like we're that good, ok? our prof's regular job is at princeton, and it was the first time he taught a grad class. the class part was great, the readings were intriuging and made me think soooo much differently about everything in this country, the conservative revolution, the suburbs and (un)fair housing, suburban/urban environments, the way we buy things like its the only thing that'll make us happy.. it was kind of a good experience for me, bc it made me realize that i dont fit in the system. i dont thrive on buying things or having possessions, i love the clothes i have, and i wear them till they fall apart. when i do have some money, i spend it on music and cds, and i dont buy very many big corporate bands, so the money i spend on cds goes to people who are struggling kind of like me. bc being an academic is a lot like being a musician. i have not eaten mcdonalds since i read that the natural flavor in the fries is beef, and im vegetarian. i mean i guess i was eating them till now, but still. i dont know. i dont eat much fast food, though i do work in a corporate restaurant (you have to yeild to the system... if i didnt work, i would die, and restaurant jobs are hard to come by these days).. i basically just dont need stuff to be happy. last week when steve and i went to milburne (nj) for our dinner class, we were driving through these fancy pants neighborhoods with HUGE houses, and we were both like "why do you need so much space? to fill with meaningless possessions?" i'd be happy in a small house, with mininal things, as long as i had music and good people. and you know what, thats what we have here. we dont have cable, we have bunny ears. we dont have high speed internet, wont dont have a KITCHEN TABLE.. well our place is too small for a kitchen table, but still. we have an uncomfortable futon (though the enigma loooves our couch. or maybe its just cos we always watch movies and make out on it ahaha), a step stool that doubles as an ottoman, a broked ass stereo which only plays cds half the time.. we have an 8 bit nintendo (although i also have ps2 bc i loooove video games).. but i have the best friends ever, awesome people who fill my life with meaning and love and music. and we do, however, have art on the walls, which makes us look cultured. candace is more cosmopolitan that i am. i have a watercolor that my moms boyfriend made me for my birthday last year. have i ever told you that he is a fabulous artist, despite how i feel about him personally. he has all these paintings that my mom modeled for (cos she is and always has been hot), and they are of angels with mechanical body parts. he used her legs for them. he also has other bizarre paintings, and they are all very interesting and even life-like. they went to paris, and he painted in monet's garden, which was a big deal. my mothers house has always been filled with his work (they have been together since i was like 6 or something). but my water color is all blue, different shades of blue, bc he knows its my favorite color. last year he had a show in brooklyn, that was pretty exciting. he is an aries like me, and my mother swears that i am his child. i guess im a lot like him, he was a huge influence on me. when i met him, he was wearing eyeliner and he had a mohawk. he was totally new wave, and he introduced me to the cure and depeche mode. i remember my mom had "kiss me kiss me kiss me" and i listened to it a lot, and then he gave me his "kiss me.." pin, which i still have, actually. it was little tiny, and its on my pearl jam jeans jacket my dad had made for me when i was in junior high. i remember being little and listening to dead or alive (which is a really old memory i have of our mother driving us to montessori day camp in the fiero.. which was a two seater, rich and i had to share the passenger seat) the pet shop boys and erasure.. but anyway. they broke up when i was in 5th grade, and my mom started seeing this asshole randy. he lived in VA beach, but he was up here on business like every week. we didnt like randy. we hated going to visit him for spring break, and we hated when he was there. he looked like.. fuckin.. bruce reynolds? is that an actor? jesse says im thinking of tom selleck. the dude in three men and a baby. anyway, he wanted to get married, and my mom didnt wanna do that bc she didnt wanna get married again while we were still in the house and stuff, which i kind of admire.. she put us first, and she didnt want some nonfather man coming in and trying to raise us. anyway, so that was that. then there was lee, who was super OCD. but he was really nice, and he was obsessed with siamese cats. then they got back together, momma and jay. they would sporadically break up and get back together for the next, oh, ten years.. but then he did a schmuck ass thing and cheated on my mom for like the eightieth time with a 30 y/o woman from work. blah blah, she moved in with him and she brought her 3 year old son.. needless to say, that didnt work out, and my mom took him back. but ever since then, things havent been the same between jay and i. im old enough to understand what happened this time, and im old enough to care. but she loves him, and i think she does, but they will never be happy. i mean, really happy. she cant trust him, and she has no reason to. but she isnt happy with anyone else.. plus ive become more cemented in my political beliefs, which are like the EXACT opposite of his.. and he has this really condescending way of talking to you, like he is always right. you cant argue with him, bc he cuts you off, and makes you feel small. he made me cry on christmas last year by berating me about my beliefs. bah to him.
not to change the subject, but there is this little kid on jimmy kimmel (i think) hanging out with lord of the rings geeks.. and this one guy is dressed up as some charactor and the kid asked him who did his dreads, and he was like "do i have to say?" and the kid was like "yes, was it yr momma?" and he was like all nodding his head like a little kid. it was kinda sad. he was like half bald. i havent seen any of the LOR movies, they are waaaayyy too long for me. i'll watch them at home, maybe. i cant keep my attention on anything for 3 hours, let alone a fantasy movie.. but oh well. i shall be one of the few people on earth who havent seen it.
i really need someone to come scratch my back. i love having my back scratched.. im not so into massages, but scratches are great. it always feels so good after. i used to scratch chazs back all softly for him. it soothed him. maybe i got it from him.
oh, so ryan forwarded me an email flyer for a 97 reunion show on li.. its integrity, tension*, cleanser.. i was laughing so hard when i opened my email this morning, and i was like "we are so going!" i hope the sons kids arent there, they might be, what with cleanser playing and everything. the email was sent to davin, also, which is *hilarious*.. i was like "imagine he goes??" to ryan and he laughed. ryan HATED davin, bc ryan liked me and i made out with davin. it was funny. he was the worst though, and he was a snotty rich kid from .. i cant remember, oh yah lawrence. he was from lawrence, which is super rich kid land. thats also where my first roommate in college was from, and she got an eclipse for her 17th bday, and she was the biggest druggie bc of the money she had. but she was cool, and i sometimes miss her. crazy lauren, how we hated each other for the entire first semester of our year together. crazing screaming matches at 3am.. then we went to the tunnel together and everything changed. that was a crazy night. i went with my friend chris, actually, he was like my ex, and we called him reno (and he is the reason that the sons kids hate me..). anyway, so i went with reno and we met up with tex and all these cats from pace.. steve and dennis went, i think, and so did jess.. that was the first time any of us (except reno and tex) had been to tunnel, and it was funny bc jess went in a regular girl, and came out a raver. speaking of all these kids, we took a group photo outside of pace at adams memorial, and i was supposed to send copies to all my college people, but i never got it done bc i am lame. and i am also broke, so.. maybe ill do it eventually...
my gosh am i babbling. ive told my (and my moms) life story tonight. blah blah blah. my back hurts, as usual.. our couch is not conducive to good posture. i asked kim if she would still be my friend when im a hunch back with one eye poked out due to irresponsible umbrella carriers.. she said she would, so YAY. when you are shunning me, i shall still be loved by kimberly. wooohooo.
i shall end here, and leave you with a bunch of lyrics. sweet dreams, and wish me luck with my crazy 12 page paper tomorrow..........
...and i wish this was seamless, that there was no pain. there is no way. why do we do, yah what we do? why do we do, what we do? and i'll still remember...
...you make this all go away, you make this all go away, im down to just one thing, and im starting to scare myself. you make this all go away, you make this all go away, i just want something.. i just want something i can never have...
...hey lush have fun, its the weekend.. no i dont think that you know what youve been missing.. just forget me, its that simple...
...crying 'who am i, if im alone? i hardly exist at all. lets pretend that we dont need anything anymore, or anyone. i dont wanna feel anything anymore - lets just pretend..' we'll live happily ever after...
...this bed is too big to sleep in and im dying just to feel you breathe...
...without you, everything falls apart. without you, its not as much fun to pick up the pieces...
...if you live through this with me i swear that i would die for you...
...this is the bed that i have made, this is the grave where i will lay, these are the hands where i will bury my face. i dont believe in wasting time, searching for truth you'll never find, nobody moves we live in the great decay. all these ghost towns share a name, anywhere usa. all these strangers look the same, day after day after day, this great decay from birth to the grave...
ok. goodnight. xoxo.
..i'm talented at breathing, especially exhaling, so that my chest will rise and fall with yours..
i did that whole library thing again.. except today the copies cost me $25. that blew my mind. i was like.. this is CRAZY. cos kind of it was. but then i met up with kimberly, we went to the best diner in the city, the malibu. we got soo much fooood!! fuckin, we shared FIVE plates. we started off with mozzerella sticks, then we shared grilled cheese, a pizza bagel, and a plate of mashed potatoes. the diner was really busy so we just babbled and babbled for like 3 hours. we were finished eating for like an hour before our waiter checked back on us. which was fine bc we were chatting and laughing and being our crazy selves. my favorite thing about kim is that we both talk in sounds, so we understand each other, lol. plus we are both crazy. like mentally off, not like "WWOOOOO PARTY." you know. so then we shared a piece of cheesecake, and i had like four cups of coffee and we were like blah blah blah. then kim got sleepy, so we asked for our check. then we went to cvs, where some girl was like "the line is over here" all snotty, and we were like "yah, we're coming" cos we had just stopped to look at something. bitch was acting like we were trying to cut the line or something. it was funny though. we took the E train and marvelled at the penned in little sealed off staircase on the front end of the 23rd St platform. i got off at my stop, and went to the ghost. so i get on the train, and i sit down, and then this lady comes on, and the girl sitting perpendicular to the row of seats im in has her feet on the seat in front of her, and this lady glares at her, making her remove her feet, and sits next to me instead of on the seat the girl moved her feet from, and puts her BAG on the seat. i was like "you people.." its like the time antonia and i were on the train and this fat lady asked antonia if she could get up so (fat lady) she could sit, and she didnt really need two seats, but she wanted to put her bags on one.. and antonia stood while this ladys bags got to sit. it also bothers me when yr squished in yr seat, and then someone who is way too big for the small space left sits down, and then worms their way into taking up enough room for two people while everyone else suffers. or they like spill over onto yr seat. also, i cant stand people who stand on the walk side (the LEFT SIDE, for those of you who suck and dont know it) of the escalator. i have the worst problem with those type, and im always like "SCUSE ME" as i push past them. motherfuckers.
my head feels itchy, but im relatively clean right now. i still smell nice. i took a shower before bed last night. i finished my research to the best of my.. well, no im lying. i could have done so much better, but im a slacker, and therefore, i did it to the best of my last minute ability.. but i finished it nonetheless, it does not really correlate to what i wanted to do, so i shall improvise and write a shitty paper. i dont care about my grade anymore. im tired of school. i just wanna be DONE. one C won't kill me. so take that professor princeton man with wayyy high expectations from rutgers students. we're here bc we didn't get into ivy league schools, guy. dont treat us like we're that good, ok? our prof's regular job is at princeton, and it was the first time he taught a grad class. the class part was great, the readings were intriuging and made me think soooo much differently about everything in this country, the conservative revolution, the suburbs and (un)fair housing, suburban/urban environments, the way we buy things like its the only thing that'll make us happy.. it was kind of a good experience for me, bc it made me realize that i dont fit in the system. i dont thrive on buying things or having possessions, i love the clothes i have, and i wear them till they fall apart. when i do have some money, i spend it on music and cds, and i dont buy very many big corporate bands, so the money i spend on cds goes to people who are struggling kind of like me. bc being an academic is a lot like being a musician. i have not eaten mcdonalds since i read that the natural flavor in the fries is beef, and im vegetarian. i mean i guess i was eating them till now, but still. i dont know. i dont eat much fast food, though i do work in a corporate restaurant (you have to yeild to the system... if i didnt work, i would die, and restaurant jobs are hard to come by these days).. i basically just dont need stuff to be happy. last week when steve and i went to milburne (nj) for our dinner class, we were driving through these fancy pants neighborhoods with HUGE houses, and we were both like "why do you need so much space? to fill with meaningless possessions?" i'd be happy in a small house, with mininal things, as long as i had music and good people. and you know what, thats what we have here. we dont have cable, we have bunny ears. we dont have high speed internet, wont dont have a KITCHEN TABLE.. well our place is too small for a kitchen table, but still. we have an uncomfortable futon (though the enigma loooves our couch. or maybe its just cos we always watch movies and make out on it ahaha), a step stool that doubles as an ottoman, a broked ass stereo which only plays cds half the time.. we have an 8 bit nintendo (although i also have ps2 bc i loooove video games).. but i have the best friends ever, awesome people who fill my life with meaning and love and music. and we do, however, have art on the walls, which makes us look cultured. candace is more cosmopolitan that i am. i have a watercolor that my moms boyfriend made me for my birthday last year. have i ever told you that he is a fabulous artist, despite how i feel about him personally. he has all these paintings that my mom modeled for (cos she is and always has been hot), and they are of angels with mechanical body parts. he used her legs for them. he also has other bizarre paintings, and they are all very interesting and even life-like. they went to paris, and he painted in monet's garden, which was a big deal. my mothers house has always been filled with his work (they have been together since i was like 6 or something). but my water color is all blue, different shades of blue, bc he knows its my favorite color. last year he had a show in brooklyn, that was pretty exciting. he is an aries like me, and my mother swears that i am his child. i guess im a lot like him, he was a huge influence on me. when i met him, he was wearing eyeliner and he had a mohawk. he was totally new wave, and he introduced me to the cure and depeche mode. i remember my mom had "kiss me kiss me kiss me" and i listened to it a lot, and then he gave me his "kiss me.." pin, which i still have, actually. it was little tiny, and its on my pearl jam jeans jacket my dad had made for me when i was in junior high. i remember being little and listening to dead or alive (which is a really old memory i have of our mother driving us to montessori day camp in the fiero.. which was a two seater, rich and i had to share the passenger seat) the pet shop boys and erasure.. but anyway. they broke up when i was in 5th grade, and my mom started seeing this asshole randy. he lived in VA beach, but he was up here on business like every week. we didnt like randy. we hated going to visit him for spring break, and we hated when he was there. he looked like.. fuckin.. bruce reynolds? is that an actor? jesse says im thinking of tom selleck. the dude in three men and a baby. anyway, he wanted to get married, and my mom didnt wanna do that bc she didnt wanna get married again while we were still in the house and stuff, which i kind of admire.. she put us first, and she didnt want some nonfather man coming in and trying to raise us. anyway, so that was that. then there was lee, who was super OCD. but he was really nice, and he was obsessed with siamese cats. then they got back together, momma and jay. they would sporadically break up and get back together for the next, oh, ten years.. but then he did a schmuck ass thing and cheated on my mom for like the eightieth time with a 30 y/o woman from work. blah blah, she moved in with him and she brought her 3 year old son.. needless to say, that didnt work out, and my mom took him back. but ever since then, things havent been the same between jay and i. im old enough to understand what happened this time, and im old enough to care. but she loves him, and i think she does, but they will never be happy. i mean, really happy. she cant trust him, and she has no reason to. but she isnt happy with anyone else.. plus ive become more cemented in my political beliefs, which are like the EXACT opposite of his.. and he has this really condescending way of talking to you, like he is always right. you cant argue with him, bc he cuts you off, and makes you feel small. he made me cry on christmas last year by berating me about my beliefs. bah to him.
not to change the subject, but there is this little kid on jimmy kimmel (i think) hanging out with lord of the rings geeks.. and this one guy is dressed up as some charactor and the kid asked him who did his dreads, and he was like "do i have to say?" and the kid was like "yes, was it yr momma?" and he was like all nodding his head like a little kid. it was kinda sad. he was like half bald. i havent seen any of the LOR movies, they are waaaayyy too long for me. i'll watch them at home, maybe. i cant keep my attention on anything for 3 hours, let alone a fantasy movie.. but oh well. i shall be one of the few people on earth who havent seen it.
i really need someone to come scratch my back. i love having my back scratched.. im not so into massages, but scratches are great. it always feels so good after. i used to scratch chazs back all softly for him. it soothed him. maybe i got it from him.
oh, so ryan forwarded me an email flyer for a 97 reunion show on li.. its integrity, tension*, cleanser.. i was laughing so hard when i opened my email this morning, and i was like "we are so going!" i hope the sons kids arent there, they might be, what with cleanser playing and everything. the email was sent to davin, also, which is *hilarious*.. i was like "imagine he goes??" to ryan and he laughed. ryan HATED davin, bc ryan liked me and i made out with davin. it was funny. he was the worst though, and he was a snotty rich kid from .. i cant remember, oh yah lawrence. he was from lawrence, which is super rich kid land. thats also where my first roommate in college was from, and she got an eclipse for her 17th bday, and she was the biggest druggie bc of the money she had. but she was cool, and i sometimes miss her. crazy lauren, how we hated each other for the entire first semester of our year together. crazing screaming matches at 3am.. then we went to the tunnel together and everything changed. that was a crazy night. i went with my friend chris, actually, he was like my ex, and we called him reno (and he is the reason that the sons kids hate me..). anyway, so i went with reno and we met up with tex and all these cats from pace.. steve and dennis went, i think, and so did jess.. that was the first time any of us (except reno and tex) had been to tunnel, and it was funny bc jess went in a regular girl, and came out a raver. speaking of all these kids, we took a group photo outside of pace at adams memorial, and i was supposed to send copies to all my college people, but i never got it done bc i am lame. and i am also broke, so.. maybe ill do it eventually...
my gosh am i babbling. ive told my (and my moms) life story tonight. blah blah blah. my back hurts, as usual.. our couch is not conducive to good posture. i asked kim if she would still be my friend when im a hunch back with one eye poked out due to irresponsible umbrella carriers.. she said she would, so YAY. when you are shunning me, i shall still be loved by kimberly. wooohooo.
i shall end here, and leave you with a bunch of lyrics. sweet dreams, and wish me luck with my crazy 12 page paper tomorrow..........
...and i wish this was seamless, that there was no pain. there is no way. why do we do, yah what we do? why do we do, what we do? and i'll still remember...
...you make this all go away, you make this all go away, im down to just one thing, and im starting to scare myself. you make this all go away, you make this all go away, i just want something.. i just want something i can never have...
...hey lush have fun, its the weekend.. no i dont think that you know what youve been missing.. just forget me, its that simple...
...crying 'who am i, if im alone? i hardly exist at all. lets pretend that we dont need anything anymore, or anyone. i dont wanna feel anything anymore - lets just pretend..' we'll live happily ever after...
...this bed is too big to sleep in and im dying just to feel you breathe...
...without you, everything falls apart. without you, its not as much fun to pick up the pieces...
...if you live through this with me i swear that i would die for you...
...this is the bed that i have made, this is the grave where i will lay, these are the hands where i will bury my face. i dont believe in wasting time, searching for truth you'll never find, nobody moves we live in the great decay. all these ghost towns share a name, anywhere usa. all these strangers look the same, day after day after day, this great decay from birth to the grave...
ok. goodnight. xoxo.
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