is it too late to heal?

let me tell you about the new york public library. it sucks. SUCKS. first, you walk in, and there are people everywhere, gawking. but there is no floor plan, so you must find a guard and be like "so.. wheres the library part?" its on the third floor, in case you ever have to go. so its really pretty and yr like "wow, this place is amazing." but then it starts. you sit at the little computer and fill out yr little slips (with your name, address and school or business, so they can moniter what yr reading.. and i guess i would be on some govt list for looking up a lot of shit on communism. oops, if i disappear, i love you all), then you get to the desk, and they say you can only have three books at a time, but you have a stack of slips, so yr mad. oh, did i mention that you cant take books out? its not a circulating collection, you can only look at yr books in the reading room. so ok. you turn in yr three little slips, then the girl tells you that you have to get a photo id taken, which irritates you further. you go fill out this form thing online, then you get a digital picture taken and yr id comes out. mine is fabulous. i was kind of pissed off bc i could only have three books, so i didnt smile and i was tired, so it looks like my boyfriend beat me up last night. candace said it looks like im about to say "what the FUCK?" which was true. so. then you sit there for a half hour, waiting for the runners to get yr books, and yr number pops up onto the board and yr like YAY, but the line is long, also. then you take yr books to a table in the reading room, where you try to study with tourists CONSTANTLY taking pictures. at that point, you want to get up and scream, and be like "im trying to STUDY, dont you get it? stop being the worst." so whatever, you get immune to the flashbulbs after a while, and you mark all yr pages, bc like i said, you cant take the books out. noooo, you have to go to the little penned in photocopy place, where you wait on line and get a copy card and pay FIFTEEN CENTS per copy. mind you, three of the six machines are broken, so yr like "hmm, where is my fifteen cents going?" but its not bad enough that i *have to* make copies, but i also have to pay an exorbinent (spelling?) amount for them. but alas, by now its 630, and it makes no sense to wait another half hour for some books, then have to give them back at 7:30 (yes, it closes that early.. who needs learning materials, anyway?), so you leave with your $15 worth of paper, and battle the tourists ooohing and aaahing about the tree in rock centre to get to the E train at 5th Ave/53rd St.

so that was my day in a nutshell. tomorrow i have to repeat the process. but i already have my little slips (since my stack was only reduced by 6), and i already have my stupid id. the plus side is that ive already read the material and made notes, bc lord knows i wasnt gonna make a copy unless there was a potential quote on the page. i do have to make two more slips, however, bc i forgot to get material about the kitchen debates. but lucky for me, lizabeth cohen did the work for me, and note 27 on page 126 leads me to the exact books and better yet, the exact page numbers. so i can skip reading them, and just copy the few pages she has cited. the downside is that there are like 40 libraries (or like 5), and i have to go to two of them tomorrow. i have to go to the 34th and madison library for three of my books. but at least its a nice round number, since three is the limit. i cant decide which library i want to go to first. see, i could take the 7 straight to the 42nd st one, but then i have to wait outside on an elevated platform. or i could take the V straight there, also. actually, i could prob take the V to either branch. i should prob go to the 34th st one first, since i am already right familiar with the 42nd st one, and i wont waste any time there. but if so, i wanna be at the 42nd st branch by 1 or 2, at the very latest, since i got there at 2 today and i only got through 6 books. it was already 330 when i started on my books though, so.. i just have to make sure i get out of bed in the morning. i should go to the 42nd st one second, since im supposed to meet kimberly after her shift. we are going to the diner. mmm.. diner.

i need a shower SO BAD. so bad. i feel like a pile of filth. its almost 11, so i should get on that, i guess. i already did my crossword, so i have nothing to look forward to. boooo.

YAY more rain tomorrow! i love rain! fucking ugh. im so over wet wintery weather, really.

oh another funny thing. i was at therapy this morning, and i went to throw out my coffee lid and i did it with the usual "meep" sound effect. so we talked about my sounds for a while. i cant do anything without assigning a sound to my action. like i said, its usually a "meep" or some varation of, like "mep" or "mmmmmeeep." sometimes its a bleep or a blip or bleeee. i do it when poking others (which i do nonstop), when throwing anything away, when putting things down. its not even conscious. im crazy. thats it.

im out. the shower calls, its like "i can make you clean again!" so i shall obey and rid myself of the layer of dirt that has attached itself to my body. mmm, clean.....