Tuesday, December 23, 2003
hi hi hi. guess what? my back hurts! AS ALWAYS. work was busy tonight, i was the only one in the back, so i had lots of parties and tables. i made $100, but it sucked bc i was busy the whole time, and i barely got to socialize. oh well.
i initiated communication with the enigma today. i sent him a message saying id be home tomorrow if he wanted hugs.. he said he would love hugs, but that he had a family dinner tomorrow and then he was going away the 26th, but that we'd have to get together when he got back. so i said something like "im gonna hold you to that, i need hugs" and when i got to work, i saw that he'd written back something like "the minute i get back you got hugs. it might be late though, so the next morning.. unless you want a sleep over, of course hehe" and it made me so happy. i dont know why, i mean, its not like he'll show up or that we'll have a sleepover, but damn.. when he says things like that i melt, and i get butterflies and im like awww it makes me smile from ear to ear, deliriously. i replied that if course i want to have a sleepover, i love all night hugs. i do, i do! sleeping with him is seriously the best time ever. i have shared a bed with a fair amount of boys, and he is by far the most comfy to sleep with. its just sleep, but its so.. i dont know. its kinda like in mallrats, when brodie is explaining about how you dont know where to put yr arm when yr sleeping with a girl.. without the symbolic meaning he was getting at. with most boys, its hard to get comfortable, you have to move around and you end up sleeping with yr back to them bc its easiest just to spoon. when i sleep with him, though, i sleep facing him, he sleeps on his back and i put my head on his chest and tangle my legs up with him and its so cozy and nice. i remember when i went to connecticut to keep him company, i laid down with my back to him and he was like "hey, you dont wanna face me?" so i turned back around and curled into him. and waking up with him... sigh. hes so adorable in the morning, its so perfect and wonderful and peaceful and happy. way back when we started this mess, he spent the night and he had to work in the morning.. he had to be there at 7, so i woke him up at 5.. i poked him a few times and he was like "another half hour" and i started to say he had to leave to get to work on time, and he just put his hand over my mouth, kissed my forehead and hugged me. i kept waking him up every half hour, and the same thing would happen.. he left my apartment at 7. and i got up and wrote a paper. falling asleep and waking up with him just feels right. but it isnt right. in fact, its one of the most wrong things ever, probably. but it feels so good and so right, and i am governed not by logic, but by feelings. so i will jump at any opportunity for all night hugs or even cuddling on my couch watching bring it on. i just want hugs. bc it doesnt feel like any other hugs ive ever encountered, ive never felt so warm and safe in anyone else's arms.. its a strong hug, its a hug like i wont let go of you.. will i ever get over this? will i ever stop obsessing over the boy i've dubbed an enigma? its been seven years and i havent stopped. well, i did.. but i mean, even after everything happened with suzanne, when he told me he couldnt talk to me for a while, i was so mad and i didnt talk to him and he says i was a bitch to him at shows when i saw him (i dont remember, but i believe it).. every time i saw him, i felt nervous and excited, but it manifested in anger bc of what he'd done.. but despite that, i started emailing with suzanne.. and she would tell me about him and how he is and stuff, but she had no idea who i really was.. i told him that the first time i saw him again, last august. he said she talked about me, and he was like "wow, you did that?" i just wanted to know that he was out there and ok and happy.. even though i didnt want to talk to him. i have to admit though, that when my brother told me that hed left a note on my car, i had to think about it for a little while to remember who it would be. but once he read the note, i knew.. and i felt so excited. i want to see him right now, i want to curl up and cuddle and feel safe and happy. maybe next week..
anyway. im tired and i have to go to therapy in the morning so i shall sleep now. sweet dreams...
i initiated communication with the enigma today. i sent him a message saying id be home tomorrow if he wanted hugs.. he said he would love hugs, but that he had a family dinner tomorrow and then he was going away the 26th, but that we'd have to get together when he got back. so i said something like "im gonna hold you to that, i need hugs" and when i got to work, i saw that he'd written back something like "the minute i get back you got hugs. it might be late though, so the next morning.. unless you want a sleep over, of course hehe" and it made me so happy. i dont know why, i mean, its not like he'll show up or that we'll have a sleepover, but damn.. when he says things like that i melt, and i get butterflies and im like awww it makes me smile from ear to ear, deliriously. i replied that if course i want to have a sleepover, i love all night hugs. i do, i do! sleeping with him is seriously the best time ever. i have shared a bed with a fair amount of boys, and he is by far the most comfy to sleep with. its just sleep, but its so.. i dont know. its kinda like in mallrats, when brodie is explaining about how you dont know where to put yr arm when yr sleeping with a girl.. without the symbolic meaning he was getting at. with most boys, its hard to get comfortable, you have to move around and you end up sleeping with yr back to them bc its easiest just to spoon. when i sleep with him, though, i sleep facing him, he sleeps on his back and i put my head on his chest and tangle my legs up with him and its so cozy and nice. i remember when i went to connecticut to keep him company, i laid down with my back to him and he was like "hey, you dont wanna face me?" so i turned back around and curled into him. and waking up with him... sigh. hes so adorable in the morning, its so perfect and wonderful and peaceful and happy. way back when we started this mess, he spent the night and he had to work in the morning.. he had to be there at 7, so i woke him up at 5.. i poked him a few times and he was like "another half hour" and i started to say he had to leave to get to work on time, and he just put his hand over my mouth, kissed my forehead and hugged me. i kept waking him up every half hour, and the same thing would happen.. he left my apartment at 7. and i got up and wrote a paper. falling asleep and waking up with him just feels right. but it isnt right. in fact, its one of the most wrong things ever, probably. but it feels so good and so right, and i am governed not by logic, but by feelings. so i will jump at any opportunity for all night hugs or even cuddling on my couch watching bring it on. i just want hugs. bc it doesnt feel like any other hugs ive ever encountered, ive never felt so warm and safe in anyone else's arms.. its a strong hug, its a hug like i wont let go of you.. will i ever get over this? will i ever stop obsessing over the boy i've dubbed an enigma? its been seven years and i havent stopped. well, i did.. but i mean, even after everything happened with suzanne, when he told me he couldnt talk to me for a while, i was so mad and i didnt talk to him and he says i was a bitch to him at shows when i saw him (i dont remember, but i believe it).. every time i saw him, i felt nervous and excited, but it manifested in anger bc of what he'd done.. but despite that, i started emailing with suzanne.. and she would tell me about him and how he is and stuff, but she had no idea who i really was.. i told him that the first time i saw him again, last august. he said she talked about me, and he was like "wow, you did that?" i just wanted to know that he was out there and ok and happy.. even though i didnt want to talk to him. i have to admit though, that when my brother told me that hed left a note on my car, i had to think about it for a little while to remember who it would be. but once he read the note, i knew.. and i felt so excited. i want to see him right now, i want to curl up and cuddle and feel safe and happy. maybe next week..
anyway. im tired and i have to go to therapy in the morning so i shall sleep now. sweet dreams...
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