is it too late to heal?

i dont feel well. i just finished my 5th shift in a row.. i worked 32 hours in three days. still have two to go.. i gave away my tues morning shift, so woohoo to that. now i only have to work tomorrow night and tuesday night, both in even sections. luckily i made a ton of money this weekend.. i made $130 on friday night, $237 yesterday, and $190 today.. for a grand total of $557 in three days. thats actually only $20 short of rent in only three days. five shifts, three days. i have like $435 in checks that need to be deposited.. and i already had january rent. this is all lucky because i might quit my job this week. you see, gregg disregarded my doctor's note saying i couldn't be there, and i refuse to coalesce. im not coming back from long island to work new years day morning. im not getting up at 7 am to commute to work. that is bullshit, and im not doing it. im not staying in brooklyn, either. i had a nightmare last night. i dont remember it, but it was terrorist related. and i know its happening bc new years is coming. i always have nightmares around new years. its always been a time of anxiety for me, ive always dreaded the possibilities for harm to a crowd the size that times square draws.. and now that ive experienced terrorism for the first time, im avoiding it at all costs. im leaving this city bc its become a bed of anxiety for me. i find it hard to enjoy all the things i used to love about the city. maybe i'll make the most of the rest of my stay here in order to leave this place loving it still.. but as of right now, all it does is generate fear of another attack like that. getting out of nyc was horrible. it took so long and it was so desolate and bleak, everything covered in soot.. walking through the streets, breathing in the rubble and bits of peoples charred bodies, it was like breathing in their souls. and walking past the fire house and the hospital every night, hysterically crying, looking at the posters of the people who were missing plastered all over the buildings, on street posts, on corners of buildings... reading family members anxious pleas, hoping that their loved one was just injured or lost or disoriented. all those faces, the eyes staring out of the pictures with such joy.. in wedding photos, with children, with pets, smiling brightly, reminding me that life is so fragile, and those smiles are gone now, taken away.. for an attack on capitalism and american culture. i feel like it would be so easy to make this stop or at least belay it a bit.. terrorists and people who hate america hate it bc we have to impose our values on them all the time. i mean, think about it. they attacked the world trade center and the pentagon. these are two symbols of american culture.. and the fuckin warnings about shopping malls.. shopping malls are the epitome of american culture and the consumer society. slowly but surely, america has been instilling its values on parts of the world that do not accept our brand of capitalism, and want to remain at their stage in civilization. but that was never good enough. america wont stop until the whole world is one huge protectorate. its the new form of empire, neoimperialism, where countries keep their names but are forced into the global economy controlled by america and capitalism. keep going on till there is one great big american hegemony, everyone will be the same, there will be worker slaves all over the globe. and that top tier if society can sit back and watch their bank accounts grow as we become more and more alienated from ourselves, turning to buying things and doing drugs to keep our sanity and to feel any kind of happiness. as long as we're high and shopping, we'll all be ok. we won't know who we are, we'll forget that we're people and turn into worker bees, toiling away at our unskilled jobs to buy things and keep a roof over our heads. we forget that capitalism is slowly killing us all, and the whole world will be united into this one system. but some people dont want that. they want to keep their own culture, and not submit to buying happiness and worshipping the idolic dollar. so they attack symbols of what they dont want to come, and they pleasantly forget that human lives that are just conditioned to go to work and fit into the only mold they've ever known inhabit the symbols they want to destroy. because defending what they love is more important than respecting human life. its gone too far. both sides are too far along the course of hatred. they attack and we respond with destroying their regimes and installing u.s. friendly ones. one by one they will succumb, bc of the sheer military strength of the u.s army.. which will only cause more backlashes and strikes against innocent americans. i'm not sure there can be peace. its past the point of no return, america is determined to conquer, and the terrorists are determined to keep their way of life. only its the civilians, the workers, the people who are condemned to a life of labor and hardship who will suffer the most. because its these ranks of people who fight in the u.s. army, and its these ranks of people who are victims of terrorist attacks. the ceo and americas idle elites are secluded on their manors, in their gated acres, safe from targetting. they arent in the world trade center or the pentagon, they aren't going to be in times square, or riding the subway, or shopping in the mall. they will be at home, or at some fancy party, or maybe at the country club, when the next attack comes. and they'll remain determined to fight against anything un-american, sending americas poor out as cannon fodder, protecting their interests and further enslaving the people of the world..... and it wont end until one side is anihilated, or there is some major regime change. i have this imagination of the day america gets fed up and decides to blow the entire middle east to bits, just dropping nuclear bombs all across the region, destroying any opposition..

maybe i've been listening to too much anarchopunk. im soo not an anarchist, bc i think the whole philosophy is counterproductive. their line is that the working class needs to rise up in revolution against their capitalist oppressors.. then there would be no laws, no authority, and no state. ok, all well and good, only if you dont supress yr former oppressors, you'll never prevent them from regaining control and reversing the revolution. so, a brief chronology of the whole anarchist movement would be.. revolution, lawlessness, counterrevolution, reestablishment of capitalism. then what? begin the struggle all over again, keep raising yr black flag high in hopes that next time people will come to a concensus and respect each other in a classless utopia? so, i dont agree with the anarchist line, but if you want political punk, you can usually only find it in anarchopunk.. there is very little in the way of other sorts of political punk, there are a sprinkling of communist bands, like i farm (who i loooove), whom allie dubbed "commiecore" in high school, and some other bands like propagandhi.. but i can only get into them sometimes.

anyway. im not putting myself in that situation again, and im not coalescing to stupid chevys who i labor for daily. i fucking just worked 5 shifts in a row, tonight i felt so sick and exhausted, and im going back tomorrow and tuesday.. and they cant fucking respect my mental health for five seconds? of course not. so i shall not show up, oh well. they can fire me if they want, and i'll go to corporate, and then i'll go to court. bc i have a legal document, a doctor's note, saying that i cannot be there. its not like im going to be out partying, im not even going to be here, im not going to stay in brooklyn and be terrified just so i can go to chevys. its not worth that much to me. i'll just scrimp and save till i can get another job.

anyway i should sleep. i feel like shit.