is it too late to heal?

:( thats how i feel right now. i dont know why, but i have been super edgy lately, really hard to deal with, and just volatile. like yesterday, my mom said i was hard on my computers, and i kind of snapped. i feel like she doesnt always listen to me. bc im not hard on my computer. my disk broke in my computer bc candaces drive fucked up the disk.. my hard drive doesnt fit anything bc the store scammed me and gave me a tiny tiny hard drive with more memory.. but what good is more memory when you cant fit anything on the hard drive? none, no good. obviously. but i like freaked out on her in front of the family, bc i was like "seriously, no." then tonight at work, i asked for corn tortillas and some other shit, and the cook made them, but before he put them in i warned him that they were going to come out hard and that i wasnt going to eat them if they were dry. so they come out and he puts them in the window, and they're hard so i pushed the plate back through and i was like "seriously, im not eating this shit. they are solid." so he made new ones but he fucking drenched them and they came out soggy and totally stuck to each other. so i was so angry that i took the plate of tortillas and threw it into the dishwasher station and the cup of black beans.. i just threw them. i was too angry to cry. usually in such a situation i would just cry, but this time i lashed out in a fit of fury. then i went and rolled my silver and the night cleaner randy came by and i was like yelling at him about it.. he knew i wasnt yelling at him, that i was just yelling about it, and he was actually really cool. a lot of people get freaked out when someone is obviously crazy and having anger management issues. but i was kind of ranting and it made sense, bc my rant was more an argument.. i was just like you know i fuckin ask for corn tortillas, and they act like im asking them to move a mountain. i dont ask for fajitas or quesadillas or anything that requires them to do any work for, i ask them for some tortillas which need to be microwaved for 45 seconds. it is effortless, and im vegetarian, so its not like i have a lot of options. i could ask them for cheese enchiladas or a veggie fajita, but no all i want is some fucking little tortillas that are heated effortlessly. ugh. but anyway then mike the runner came out of the kitchen with a plate of good tortillas and a sour cream and a cup of cheese.. and i was like "i dont even want them anymore" but he was like "i fucking made these for you, they arent that shit he made, its not my fault the cooks dont know shit." so i calmed down and ate, then i went into the kitchen and thanked him and kissed him on the cheek. i feel like im having these wild mood swings lately, and i have no control over them. i just go from sweet and docile to fire and malice in no time flat. im so unhappy with everything in my life that i flip out at the littlest things. i mean, nothing in my life is *so bad* im just not happy with any of it. im beginning to loathe chevy's. i mean, ive always hated it, but sometimes it wasnt so bad. but lately, i feel like i have to work all the time, and i never have any free time, and i feel the whole alienation of the self setting in.. and i hate it, it makes me feel so shackled to this crappy place. i have to work five days in a row this week, with two doubles. and gregg said tonight that he might have to schedule me wed and thurs, which i got a note from my therapist saying i couldnt work... i cant be here for new years, i especially cant be in times square. he said he would schedule me day, but still. that would have me working at least 12 days in a row. bc if i work wed and thurs, which are usually my days off, i would prob work fri-tuesday also, as i usually do.. and whats really upsetting me is that the enigma told me that we would get together as soon as he got back from going away this weekend, but i am going to be working constantly. how the hell am i gonna see him if im at chevys? the only way is if they get back late, but he either gets dropped off here, or turns around and comes back in the middle of the night and leaves early in the morning so i can go to work. which would mean all night hugs, but i dont really think he would show up at 3 am, to be honest with you.. and if he just got dropped off, he'd have to take the train back, and he wouldnt get to unpak his stuff that night.. so i dont think its likely he gets dropped off here on the way back. but ill be working tues and wed mornings. so.. unless i can get him to come out tues night (assuming they get back monday night) and stay the night since i should be home by like 11 and he could spend the night and leave when i go to work in the morning.. who knows. im putting wayy too much thought into this, especially given his track record for keeping his word on things like showing up here.. when they got back from tour in august, it was like 2 weeks before i saw him, and he didnt even tell me they were back. but meanwhile he had called me like midway through the tour and told me he couldnt wait to get back and see me. so whatever.

anyway.. getting past the dismal part of my life. like i was saying, its not that anything is so bad, its just a conglomerate of things that i wish were different, i cant wait to get out of this city, and i just wanna settle into a life that isnt somewhat migrant and dependant on the whims of the public transportation gods. i'd like a permanent residence, a car, and a career.. these things feel so close but yet so far, i just want to fast forward through my thesis and chevys and be in august.

there are some really good things to report. first off, we had a christmas spectacular. my mom blew her budget this year and went alllll out. she bought me a microwave and a whole shitload of rubber ducky themed stuff for my bathroom when i move to li.. books and cds and... A GUITAR!! and not just any crappy one, but a squier by fender! its acoustic and wonderful and we are in love. i want to play so bad, but its late and i dont know how yet. bartlow is gonna teach me bc he loves me, but first i have to have some mutual free time with him.. ugh. but anyway im really excited and i cant wait till monday, bc i dont have work till 5:15.. well i have therapy at 4.. but ill get up at like noon and play my guitar for a few hours before i have to go. yippee.

anyway, i have to be back at the workplace in 8 hours, which means even if i went to bed now, i would only get 6.5 hours. however, i am not in the proper mental state for sleep, so ill do the crossword puzzle now. sweet dreams..