is it too late to heal?

i'm thinking about adam tonight. i'm still so angry. its funny, i have that same urge to address this to him, as i did to someone else the other day. but i'm going to work on that, and not talk to him, but rather to my anonymous audience. he jumped off the roof of our building two days before we graduated college. no one had any idea. he didnt leave a note, we didnt understand why until all of his secrets came unravelled... i'm still so angry.. because i feel like i put up with so much shit, and there is always a way to make it better, i feel like i have been through enough in my life to know that it can't all be bad all the time, and i wish that he could have seen that too. i feel like i did something wrong by not helping him to be strong. and it was so selfish, to take yrself away from us like that. we didnt deserve it, we didnt deserve to sit and cry for hours bc you were sad. because you thought that it was horrible and that there was no more chances to make it all work for yrself...
i give up. i can only express emotion when talking directly to the person. so im going to stop trying to fight it.
today i have decided that i'm turning over a new leaf. i'm forgetting a lot of things, im moving on from a bad time in my life. i'm going to concentrate on whats to come, bc even though i hate school, i'll be done in 8 months and if i concentrate on that, it's ok. ill have a MASTERS for the love of god. i'll be a teacher, and i'll get a cat, and then my life can fall into place.
and then the subject of boys. i'm over them too. i'm going back into celibate mode, and not just sexually, but also emotionally, i'm gong to be EMOTIONALLY celibate! which works for me, bc then i can concentrate on school and making money to pay my bills, and. well, nothing else, really. bc i don't have time for anything else. i dont have time for boys. i can't even make time, so there. I DONT NEED NO FUCKIN LOVE!!