Tuesday, October 07, 2003
im trying not to think about you. but every time my minds stops concentrating on thinking of other things, you drift back. you interrupt my reading, you haunt me all the time.
you saw her yesterday. and i wonder if it was fun, if you fell in love again, if you watched a movie and made out, if she was as soft as me, if you missed me..
flash back to 1997.
i met you in some obscure way, and we had a story. you had a crush on me from the minute you saw me. we talked on the phone. we hung out. you omitted that there was a "her." i fell for you. i found out about her. we stayed friends. on the phone all night, you asking me to keep talking so you could fall asleep to the sound of my voice. paging me at 3 am "it's 3 o'clock -- love you." sitting on yr steps all night, you telling me you wanted to be with me, you wished it were me, you loved me. you loved me. what did that mean? doing headstands on my bedroom floor, reading ym and laughing. the kiss in my neck. despite the fact that you stood me up one night, bc you were scared to call me and tell me you couldn't hang out. and all the times you told me you loved her, and you loved me. always keeping me at arms length. just in case.
fast forward. you call me and tell me that she broke up with you bc of me. and yr distraught, yr lost and lonely without her. you need some time. but by now, i'm over the game, and im destroyed by the fact that yr chosing her over me. yr telling me goodbye to get her back. and i tell you off, and i walk away. you page me "i miss you," and i dont call. i see you at shows, and i look away. then one day i decide to call you back, and you want to be friends, you want to make things work. but i never hear from you again. i see you at inside, and i guess i was mean to you. you were with her. i put you out of my mind, and i stop thinking that i could fix this, that i could fix us. and i move on.
august 2002. my brother calls to report that someone left a note on my car. he reads the note to me: "i think this is yr car, or at least it used to be yr car, and this is where you lived. i was driving by and i thought of you. i dont know if you still hate me, but if you want to talk, this is my email..." i dont know what to do. the pain and anger and hurt come back, but at the same time im smiling bc you meant the world to me for a minute there. so i send you email. we start talking again, you come to my apartment and we get pizza and talk and then we head back to my place to listen to music, while you unravel a paperclip and give it to me (i still have it.) you look at my zine, and you read through it, asking "did you write this about me?" i lie and say no. i see you again in february. we get pizza, and i agree to come see you play. it falls through. but this time yr visits become more frequent. watching movies, laughing..
but then it starts again. you call me up and you tell me "im sort of seeing someone." upon further pressing, you admit that you have a girfriend whom you have been with for 3 years. but you want to be friends. i coalesce. then you cancel at the last minute when im supposed to go to PA with yr band. you tell me "i feel really bad." and i say "yah, well you have a history of feeling really bad." and steve tells me i should just end this here. i know i should, but im compelled to let you destroy me again. you want to make it up to me, you come over, you take me out to dinner and we watch 8 Mile. your hand finds mine, and our fingers dance around each other for a while before we decide it might be ok just to hold hands. i get up to use the bathroom and i come back and yr lying on the couch.. so i lay with you. "yr so tempting..." you say, as you lean in and kiss me.. and then "why didnt we do this 5 years ago?" i feel all tingley, and i cant stop even though i know you have a girlfriend. and then it gets tricky. you start this again... "im not happy with her, and i want you.." or "i caught some feelings.." or "im not in love with her, and i think yr amazing.." but are you gonna break up with her? you come back the next week, i make dinner, we watch a movie and make out. im so torn, and we talk, and its sad. you dont know what you want, really. you wish things could work with her.
i should have walked away.
but i didnt. and you broke up with her. and the first thing you did was start spending more time with me. but you dont want a girlfriend, you dont want to be tied down. so i play this game, and i let you cancel on me when we got tickets to see anthrax, i let you let me down time after time.. we talk and its clear that im hurt, and we decide to revert to just friends, and thats clearly impossible. you send me messages every morning, "good morning beautiful" "good morning sexy." you tell me that you havent been this happy in you dont know how long, and that nothing is bothering you, not even the $50 ticket you got when you parked illegally across the street. i spent $100 to visit you in CT, and then i dont see you for 2 months.
everything falls apart.
but im working on getting over you, when you send me a message to let me know yr thinking about me and i lose it. and a few more weeks go by before i decide to send you a message, telling you to have fun on tour. and you MISS ME, you want to see me immediately, so you stop by for 2 hours on the day yr leaving for tour. then you send me a message from the road telling me you miss me. i still dont know what that meant, or why you said it. maybe you meant to send it to her. you sent it to me on accident.
but you come home and you are in no hurry to see me. and when you finally do, its on yr way to the city, after youve overslept and you effectively spend 3 hours with me. and it falls apart some more. the messages have stopped. you blow me off. you cancel on me, and then you tell me yr hanging out with her on sunday. are you trying to work things out with her? you avoid my question. i ask again. "i need to know this."
you are.. you didnt want to be tied down? you didnt want to be tied down to ME. clearly. you use all this double talk to explain to me how having someone there doesnt mean yr tied down, and that yr a bad person for giving us a chance when you missed someone else and blah blah blah. it was never any different. youve always kept me right there, but when it comes down to it, im so dispensible to you. i'm not sure you know what you want. i'm not sure you have at all figured that out. because you missed me when i wasn't talking to you in july, and you had to get in touch with me. but you missed her too. and i guess you spent time falling in love with her, when all you really wanted from me was to fulfill six years worth of fantasies. you can turn yr back on me, you can pass me over with such ease. its almost graceful. i said almost.
maybe you'll fall in love all over again.
i wonder if you'll miss me..
you saw her yesterday. and i wonder if it was fun, if you fell in love again, if you watched a movie and made out, if she was as soft as me, if you missed me..
flash back to 1997.
i met you in some obscure way, and we had a story. you had a crush on me from the minute you saw me. we talked on the phone. we hung out. you omitted that there was a "her." i fell for you. i found out about her. we stayed friends. on the phone all night, you asking me to keep talking so you could fall asleep to the sound of my voice. paging me at 3 am "it's 3 o'clock -- love you." sitting on yr steps all night, you telling me you wanted to be with me, you wished it were me, you loved me. you loved me. what did that mean? doing headstands on my bedroom floor, reading ym and laughing. the kiss in my neck. despite the fact that you stood me up one night, bc you were scared to call me and tell me you couldn't hang out. and all the times you told me you loved her, and you loved me. always keeping me at arms length. just in case.
fast forward. you call me and tell me that she broke up with you bc of me. and yr distraught, yr lost and lonely without her. you need some time. but by now, i'm over the game, and im destroyed by the fact that yr chosing her over me. yr telling me goodbye to get her back. and i tell you off, and i walk away. you page me "i miss you," and i dont call. i see you at shows, and i look away. then one day i decide to call you back, and you want to be friends, you want to make things work. but i never hear from you again. i see you at inside, and i guess i was mean to you. you were with her. i put you out of my mind, and i stop thinking that i could fix this, that i could fix us. and i move on.
august 2002. my brother calls to report that someone left a note on my car. he reads the note to me: "i think this is yr car, or at least it used to be yr car, and this is where you lived. i was driving by and i thought of you. i dont know if you still hate me, but if you want to talk, this is my email..." i dont know what to do. the pain and anger and hurt come back, but at the same time im smiling bc you meant the world to me for a minute there. so i send you email. we start talking again, you come to my apartment and we get pizza and talk and then we head back to my place to listen to music, while you unravel a paperclip and give it to me (i still have it.) you look at my zine, and you read through it, asking "did you write this about me?" i lie and say no. i see you again in february. we get pizza, and i agree to come see you play. it falls through. but this time yr visits become more frequent. watching movies, laughing..
but then it starts again. you call me up and you tell me "im sort of seeing someone." upon further pressing, you admit that you have a girfriend whom you have been with for 3 years. but you want to be friends. i coalesce. then you cancel at the last minute when im supposed to go to PA with yr band. you tell me "i feel really bad." and i say "yah, well you have a history of feeling really bad." and steve tells me i should just end this here. i know i should, but im compelled to let you destroy me again. you want to make it up to me, you come over, you take me out to dinner and we watch 8 Mile. your hand finds mine, and our fingers dance around each other for a while before we decide it might be ok just to hold hands. i get up to use the bathroom and i come back and yr lying on the couch.. so i lay with you. "yr so tempting..." you say, as you lean in and kiss me.. and then "why didnt we do this 5 years ago?" i feel all tingley, and i cant stop even though i know you have a girlfriend. and then it gets tricky. you start this again... "im not happy with her, and i want you.." or "i caught some feelings.." or "im not in love with her, and i think yr amazing.." but are you gonna break up with her? you come back the next week, i make dinner, we watch a movie and make out. im so torn, and we talk, and its sad. you dont know what you want, really. you wish things could work with her.
i should have walked away.
but i didnt. and you broke up with her. and the first thing you did was start spending more time with me. but you dont want a girlfriend, you dont want to be tied down. so i play this game, and i let you cancel on me when we got tickets to see anthrax, i let you let me down time after time.. we talk and its clear that im hurt, and we decide to revert to just friends, and thats clearly impossible. you send me messages every morning, "good morning beautiful" "good morning sexy." you tell me that you havent been this happy in you dont know how long, and that nothing is bothering you, not even the $50 ticket you got when you parked illegally across the street. i spent $100 to visit you in CT, and then i dont see you for 2 months.
everything falls apart.
but im working on getting over you, when you send me a message to let me know yr thinking about me and i lose it. and a few more weeks go by before i decide to send you a message, telling you to have fun on tour. and you MISS ME, you want to see me immediately, so you stop by for 2 hours on the day yr leaving for tour. then you send me a message from the road telling me you miss me. i still dont know what that meant, or why you said it. maybe you meant to send it to her. you sent it to me on accident.
but you come home and you are in no hurry to see me. and when you finally do, its on yr way to the city, after youve overslept and you effectively spend 3 hours with me. and it falls apart some more. the messages have stopped. you blow me off. you cancel on me, and then you tell me yr hanging out with her on sunday. are you trying to work things out with her? you avoid my question. i ask again. "i need to know this."
you are.. you didnt want to be tied down? you didnt want to be tied down to ME. clearly. you use all this double talk to explain to me how having someone there doesnt mean yr tied down, and that yr a bad person for giving us a chance when you missed someone else and blah blah blah. it was never any different. youve always kept me right there, but when it comes down to it, im so dispensible to you. i'm not sure you know what you want. i'm not sure you have at all figured that out. because you missed me when i wasn't talking to you in july, and you had to get in touch with me. but you missed her too. and i guess you spent time falling in love with her, when all you really wanted from me was to fulfill six years worth of fantasies. you can turn yr back on me, you can pass me over with such ease. its almost graceful. i said almost.
maybe you'll fall in love all over again.
i wonder if you'll miss me..
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