Friday, October 31, 2003
... and i think i'd like to tell you just how much i loved you, that's if you'll even speak to me at all ... -inside <3
but you won't. you won't speak to me. i know you said that you won't ever be a dick, and that i can e-mail you or im you or talk to you at shows.. but what does that mean? it meant that you still want nothing to do with me. it was a polite way of telling me to fuck off. it's been three years and i still haven't stopped thinking of you or wishing it could have been different. i try to pretend like i don't still think about everything, that i don't miss the way we were.. i miss you, i miss knowing you, watching snowboard videos, reading comics, playing video games, being kids.. its like everything was so perfect, i trusted you more than i trusted myself, i always felt comfortable with you, i felt at home and this sense of bliss.... yah, we had problems. we argued, we did stupid things to each other. but i always loved you. and that was the problem. it scared me. i didn't understand it, it was so fragile and i went ahead and destroyed it. then you broke up with me. and i deserved it, and i didn't know what to do, but i wanted to forget that it hurt, so i found someone else. i'd sit there and cry, telling him i didn't know why i was crying, but it was always because he wasn't you and i missed you. blah blah blah. i try to make excuses for it all, but it makes no sense. it's gone, it's dead, you hate me. i don't blame you. but i wish it could be different, i wish i could tell you how much i loved you, how much you meant to me, how badly i wanted to believe that yr goal in life was truly to marry me. and i still remember that moment, every single detail of that moment. it was at that very second that i realized how much i loved you. ugh. why am i even thinking about this? seriously. i'm over it, i've been over it. i just wish i still knew you, that you could see how amazing i thought you were, and that we could just hang out and be real. i don't care that you don't have feelings for me anymore, we are different people now, maybe that moment has passed.. but i miss you, i fucking miss you...
but you won't. you won't speak to me. i know you said that you won't ever be a dick, and that i can e-mail you or im you or talk to you at shows.. but what does that mean? it meant that you still want nothing to do with me. it was a polite way of telling me to fuck off. it's been three years and i still haven't stopped thinking of you or wishing it could have been different. i try to pretend like i don't still think about everything, that i don't miss the way we were.. i miss you, i miss knowing you, watching snowboard videos, reading comics, playing video games, being kids.. its like everything was so perfect, i trusted you more than i trusted myself, i always felt comfortable with you, i felt at home and this sense of bliss.... yah, we had problems. we argued, we did stupid things to each other. but i always loved you. and that was the problem. it scared me. i didn't understand it, it was so fragile and i went ahead and destroyed it. then you broke up with me. and i deserved it, and i didn't know what to do, but i wanted to forget that it hurt, so i found someone else. i'd sit there and cry, telling him i didn't know why i was crying, but it was always because he wasn't you and i missed you. blah blah blah. i try to make excuses for it all, but it makes no sense. it's gone, it's dead, you hate me. i don't blame you. but i wish it could be different, i wish i could tell you how much i loved you, how much you meant to me, how badly i wanted to believe that yr goal in life was truly to marry me. and i still remember that moment, every single detail of that moment. it was at that very second that i realized how much i loved you. ugh. why am i even thinking about this? seriously. i'm over it, i've been over it. i just wish i still knew you, that you could see how amazing i thought you were, and that we could just hang out and be real. i don't care that you don't have feelings for me anymore, we are different people now, maybe that moment has passed.. but i miss you, i fucking miss you...
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