Tuesday, October 14, 2003
"so many lighters have gone through my life, i think about them sometimes and try not to cry.. leaving them everywhere, all throughout the years, since the first cigarette left me coughing in tears..
i dont know why i feel like i should know why i cant hold them and where did they go, i dont know why im livin this way, disorganized and comprimising, trapped in my brain..
i went down to my old school the other day, i saw my old friends and had nothing to say. i grabbed a cigarette to play off the stress, but my lighter was gone and my pocket a mess.
i dont know why i feel like i should know why i cant hold them and where did they go, i dont know why im livin this way, disorganized and comprimising, trapped in my brain..
so many people have through my life, i think about them sometimes, and try not to cry." "lighters" by plow united.
i don't want to be a good friend anymore. i'm kind of tired of being dependable and all that crap, bc no one is ever dependable for me. kim and i were supposed to go shopping today and i had to get the alkaline tickets, so i called her at noon, and she said she'd take a shower and call me back in 15 minutes. but she never called me back. even if she fell back asleep or something, she still hasnt called to explain or anything. maybe its just hard wired in humans to suck, or to flake, and i just haven't figured it out yet. maybe i'll start turning my back on people or flaking on them at the last minute or standing them up. so now i have to go tomorrow, which is okay but it will kind of make my day more crammed to have to go to irving to get the tickets. whatever its not like im gonna hate her forever or probably be mad past when i see her at work tomorrow, but i feel like its so easy for people to walk out of other peoples lives. and i'm guilty of it, too. i've left people in the past, i've walked out on people and i've let friendships fall into disrepair. it makes me sad sometimes, to think about all the people that have gone through my life. sometimes i remember people i had completely forgotten, and i wonder where they are, what they are doing. but i'm not at all motivated to persue rekindling a friendship or anything. there are people that i've attempted to keep in touch with, but i dont know. i live in brooklyn, and i don't have a car. i can't hang out with people like i used to when i was mobile and had a lot of time. there are so many people that i really connected with and had a lot of fun with and got to know really well that have just passed out of my life. like the port jeff kids. every time i drive past the benches in the port jeff village, i think about the summer of 1997, when we went bowling every night and sat on the benches. or the summer of 1998, when i spent every night in seaford, hanging out in chris' basement, going to shows, going to diners. chris cleaning out my car by throwing like twenty snapple bottles out my window at like 60 mph.. or even the freshman year crew. going on missions with tom, dennis, steve, sean, al and adam.. wandering around the city, my first walk over the brooklyn bridge, the keg party, my radio show, "give me some corpse," the debut of the quote book, "if we make the mac and cheese together, it'll be like having two minds." the night that chaz came as a pre-freshman, and we were going to get him drunk, but juli didn't feel good so i went back with her instead. the ninth floor kegs, the night sean and i got all dressed up and sat in the lounge to watch tv all night.
then there are people i think about that i was so close to. like chris, who i barely speak to anymore, just bc we never have time. or tom, whose girlfriend doesnt like him being friends with me. he was like my best friend freshman and sophomore years, i thought we would always be friends.. i remember one night freshman year, tom did something and i dont remember what happened, but i told him i was boycotting him. i was in steves room, and he called and he was like "do you have gille?" and i hid under the bed when he came in to see if i was there. it was really funny. he meant a lot to me, but it fell apart. or this girl dina i met when i was in high school. i met her on prodigy, we were trading hole tapes or something, and we decided to hang out because she had known my boyfriend at the time when they were small, and we were instantly best friends. we hung out all the time, we modified punk rock songs to fit each other. mine for her was westons "heather lewis," which i changed the lyrics to "dina fraioli, tell me why you have to live do far away." hers for me was the queer's "punk rock girls," which she changed the lyrics to "gille's my only punk rock girl." i called her in the middle of the night one day and i said "dina. sometimes the peanut gets abducted from my peanut m&m" and she was like "aw, i love you gille." but we both went away to school, and we didnt really connect before we left. i ran into her sophmore year, at the cure concert. she was in line right in front of me, and we were talking.. but it was awkward, and weird, and we said we'd keep in touch, but i dont know what happened. or cher and beth, who i hung out with all the time and then it just fell into disrepair. and the bizarre ones.. like this girl jenn i hung out with my junior year of high school all the time, we went to shows together, and hung out all the time, and then all the sudden we stopped hanging out.
or boyfriends. like chaz, who i was with for over a year, and we had so much fun all the time, and we broke up and things fell apart. it always boggles my mind why i dont stay friends with my exes. its like we spent so much time together, that its weird that we can't even talk. it used to bother me that nick and i weren't able to stay friends after two years and so much shit we went through together. but then at the same time, i think that it was a terrible time and it makes sense that we aren't friends. neither of us were happy for so long, but i clung to him for a few reasons.. because i needed someone, since everything was hard. i think that maybe if we had broken up for real any of the times we broke up for a few days, then maybe we would have been able to stay friends. but we dragged it out too long, and we grew to hate each other. he made me feel badly about myself, and i was so miserable that it was bad. but then again, i went into that relationship unhappy, bc i was trying to replace someone else. he used to refer to himself as just a rebound, and i denied it bc i really didnt think he was, but at the same time, i knew that i was still in love with someone else. and it bothered me that i'd destroyed the best thing that ever happened to me, and that i wasn't finding it there, though i wanted to. but i think i grew to hate him because he didn't make it go away, and it didn't make me feel the same as i had previously. who knows what happened. i don't really care, because i feel like i'm much happier without him telling me what a terrible girl i was all the time, but i feel like two years of my life were wasted with someone who i cant even be friends with today.
ok this is turning into some manifesto, and i am going to bed. goodnight.
i dont know why i feel like i should know why i cant hold them and where did they go, i dont know why im livin this way, disorganized and comprimising, trapped in my brain..
i went down to my old school the other day, i saw my old friends and had nothing to say. i grabbed a cigarette to play off the stress, but my lighter was gone and my pocket a mess.
i dont know why i feel like i should know why i cant hold them and where did they go, i dont know why im livin this way, disorganized and comprimising, trapped in my brain..
so many people have through my life, i think about them sometimes, and try not to cry." "lighters" by plow united.
i don't want to be a good friend anymore. i'm kind of tired of being dependable and all that crap, bc no one is ever dependable for me. kim and i were supposed to go shopping today and i had to get the alkaline tickets, so i called her at noon, and she said she'd take a shower and call me back in 15 minutes. but she never called me back. even if she fell back asleep or something, she still hasnt called to explain or anything. maybe its just hard wired in humans to suck, or to flake, and i just haven't figured it out yet. maybe i'll start turning my back on people or flaking on them at the last minute or standing them up. so now i have to go tomorrow, which is okay but it will kind of make my day more crammed to have to go to irving to get the tickets. whatever its not like im gonna hate her forever or probably be mad past when i see her at work tomorrow, but i feel like its so easy for people to walk out of other peoples lives. and i'm guilty of it, too. i've left people in the past, i've walked out on people and i've let friendships fall into disrepair. it makes me sad sometimes, to think about all the people that have gone through my life. sometimes i remember people i had completely forgotten, and i wonder where they are, what they are doing. but i'm not at all motivated to persue rekindling a friendship or anything. there are people that i've attempted to keep in touch with, but i dont know. i live in brooklyn, and i don't have a car. i can't hang out with people like i used to when i was mobile and had a lot of time. there are so many people that i really connected with and had a lot of fun with and got to know really well that have just passed out of my life. like the port jeff kids. every time i drive past the benches in the port jeff village, i think about the summer of 1997, when we went bowling every night and sat on the benches. or the summer of 1998, when i spent every night in seaford, hanging out in chris' basement, going to shows, going to diners. chris cleaning out my car by throwing like twenty snapple bottles out my window at like 60 mph.. or even the freshman year crew. going on missions with tom, dennis, steve, sean, al and adam.. wandering around the city, my first walk over the brooklyn bridge, the keg party, my radio show, "give me some corpse," the debut of the quote book, "if we make the mac and cheese together, it'll be like having two minds." the night that chaz came as a pre-freshman, and we were going to get him drunk, but juli didn't feel good so i went back with her instead. the ninth floor kegs, the night sean and i got all dressed up and sat in the lounge to watch tv all night.
then there are people i think about that i was so close to. like chris, who i barely speak to anymore, just bc we never have time. or tom, whose girlfriend doesnt like him being friends with me. he was like my best friend freshman and sophomore years, i thought we would always be friends.. i remember one night freshman year, tom did something and i dont remember what happened, but i told him i was boycotting him. i was in steves room, and he called and he was like "do you have gille?" and i hid under the bed when he came in to see if i was there. it was really funny. he meant a lot to me, but it fell apart. or this girl dina i met when i was in high school. i met her on prodigy, we were trading hole tapes or something, and we decided to hang out because she had known my boyfriend at the time when they were small, and we were instantly best friends. we hung out all the time, we modified punk rock songs to fit each other. mine for her was westons "heather lewis," which i changed the lyrics to "dina fraioli, tell me why you have to live do far away." hers for me was the queer's "punk rock girls," which she changed the lyrics to "gille's my only punk rock girl." i called her in the middle of the night one day and i said "dina. sometimes the peanut gets abducted from my peanut m&m" and she was like "aw, i love you gille." but we both went away to school, and we didnt really connect before we left. i ran into her sophmore year, at the cure concert. she was in line right in front of me, and we were talking.. but it was awkward, and weird, and we said we'd keep in touch, but i dont know what happened. or cher and beth, who i hung out with all the time and then it just fell into disrepair. and the bizarre ones.. like this girl jenn i hung out with my junior year of high school all the time, we went to shows together, and hung out all the time, and then all the sudden we stopped hanging out.
or boyfriends. like chaz, who i was with for over a year, and we had so much fun all the time, and we broke up and things fell apart. it always boggles my mind why i dont stay friends with my exes. its like we spent so much time together, that its weird that we can't even talk. it used to bother me that nick and i weren't able to stay friends after two years and so much shit we went through together. but then at the same time, i think that it was a terrible time and it makes sense that we aren't friends. neither of us were happy for so long, but i clung to him for a few reasons.. because i needed someone, since everything was hard. i think that maybe if we had broken up for real any of the times we broke up for a few days, then maybe we would have been able to stay friends. but we dragged it out too long, and we grew to hate each other. he made me feel badly about myself, and i was so miserable that it was bad. but then again, i went into that relationship unhappy, bc i was trying to replace someone else. he used to refer to himself as just a rebound, and i denied it bc i really didnt think he was, but at the same time, i knew that i was still in love with someone else. and it bothered me that i'd destroyed the best thing that ever happened to me, and that i wasn't finding it there, though i wanted to. but i think i grew to hate him because he didn't make it go away, and it didn't make me feel the same as i had previously. who knows what happened. i don't really care, because i feel like i'm much happier without him telling me what a terrible girl i was all the time, but i feel like two years of my life were wasted with someone who i cant even be friends with today.
ok this is turning into some manifesto, and i am going to bed. goodnight.
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