Tuesday, October 21, 2003
blah blah blah. i left my house in such a good mood today. i did laundry, and i took a shower and i smelled all clean and good and it made me feel so happy. i was in a really good mood at work, too. it's funny, whenever i'm in a super good mood, my tables hit on me. but tonight there were these two guys, probably in their early thirties.. and one of them said i looked so much better with my hair down. and i didn't know if it was a compliment, if it was it was bizarre, but anyway. then he kept saying stuff that was corny, and finally they paid and i went back for the credit card voucher after a while, and he had written on a napkin: "i love you! [his number] - david" i wasn't going to call him, but i lost the napkin. i kept it out of my back pack because i wanted to show victor on the way out, but it somehow got lost in transit from upstairs. first of all, i can't even imagine why he felt a need to tell me "i love you." because to me, those aren't words you just throw around.. i don't know if i went into this at all when i was talking about rene the other day, but i dont know, rene tells me he loves me ALL THE TIME, and i'm like "you don't even know me, how could you POSSIBLY love me?!" it bothers me. it really, really bothers me.
because love is this weird thing that is so .. i dont know, just its not something that should be used so lightly, to someone you don't know, to the girl who took your order and brought yr drinks. in my life, i've told seven boyfriends i loved them. the first was mark, and he was my first boyfriend, and it was puppy love. john and kenny were mistakes, they said it and i didn't know what to say back, so i said it and then broke up with them. rich.. i loved him as a person, but we weren't in love.. the same with nick, i loved him, but i wasn't in love with him. i only told him like three times, and he never told me he loved me. and chaz. but i meant it with him, i was in love with him, and i know from a variety of ways, but i screwed that up and i did such a good job that he wants nothing to do with me. and i guess there was joe in high school, who i said i love you to, and i thought i meant it, but i dont know, i dont know if i was in love or if it was just infatuation. but i don't think i ever want to be in love again. okay, i totally do, im such a liar. but it's so fragile. it was so easy to destroy, and you don't even realize it because you are so scared of it. maybe i was too immature to be in love when i was 20, and thats why i sabotaged it. but this is a tangent..
but anyway, it kind of bothered me that he left that note, it disturbed me. otherwise, work was good. i hung out with victor for most of the night, he said he wanted to see kill bill, and i said i wanted to see texas chainsaw massacre. so he was like "ok, we'll watch kill bill." i laughed and i said "nope, texas chainsaw massacre." so he conceded. yay i won. we didnt watch anything, though. i was leaving and i ran into candace outside work so i went home with her. she had gone to see gypsy and walked by to see if she could see me inside, and i was at the door talking to victor, so they lurked outside. also, gabe said he was going to take me on a date to the movies this week. he goes like 4x a week, and i was saying i never go to the movies (for the reasons i've already talked about), and he was like "well, if i invite you, i'll pay!" so i was like wooooo! i was saying goodbye, and i was telling him that antonia and i are going out friday night to meet boys, and he was saying that we were going to meet guys to hook up, but i could just hook up with him.. and i was like "yah, i think i'll find a guy without a girlfriend.." you know what, i'm SO horrible at relating stories. the dialogues that take place are so much better than i tell them. anyway. I WANT COCOA PEBBLES. i shall eat them now.
because love is this weird thing that is so .. i dont know, just its not something that should be used so lightly, to someone you don't know, to the girl who took your order and brought yr drinks. in my life, i've told seven boyfriends i loved them. the first was mark, and he was my first boyfriend, and it was puppy love. john and kenny were mistakes, they said it and i didn't know what to say back, so i said it and then broke up with them. rich.. i loved him as a person, but we weren't in love.. the same with nick, i loved him, but i wasn't in love with him. i only told him like three times, and he never told me he loved me. and chaz. but i meant it with him, i was in love with him, and i know from a variety of ways, but i screwed that up and i did such a good job that he wants nothing to do with me. and i guess there was joe in high school, who i said i love you to, and i thought i meant it, but i dont know, i dont know if i was in love or if it was just infatuation. but i don't think i ever want to be in love again. okay, i totally do, im such a liar. but it's so fragile. it was so easy to destroy, and you don't even realize it because you are so scared of it. maybe i was too immature to be in love when i was 20, and thats why i sabotaged it. but this is a tangent..
but anyway, it kind of bothered me that he left that note, it disturbed me. otherwise, work was good. i hung out with victor for most of the night, he said he wanted to see kill bill, and i said i wanted to see texas chainsaw massacre. so he was like "ok, we'll watch kill bill." i laughed and i said "nope, texas chainsaw massacre." so he conceded. yay i won. we didnt watch anything, though. i was leaving and i ran into candace outside work so i went home with her. she had gone to see gypsy and walked by to see if she could see me inside, and i was at the door talking to victor, so they lurked outside. also, gabe said he was going to take me on a date to the movies this week. he goes like 4x a week, and i was saying i never go to the movies (for the reasons i've already talked about), and he was like "well, if i invite you, i'll pay!" so i was like wooooo! i was saying goodbye, and i was telling him that antonia and i are going out friday night to meet boys, and he was saying that we were going to meet guys to hook up, but i could just hook up with him.. and i was like "yah, i think i'll find a guy without a girlfriend.." you know what, i'm SO horrible at relating stories. the dialogues that take place are so much better than i tell them. anyway. I WANT COCOA PEBBLES. i shall eat them now.
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