is it too late to heal?

happy daylight savings time! i've been awake for about 22 hours right now. last night, antonia and i went to a bar on st marks, and this guy came over and started talking to us, and he liked my studded bracelet, so i got kinda weirded out, bc i heard recently that people who like s&m wear them to signal they want to go home with someone and roll around rough style. i made sure to mention that it was part of my punk rock heritage. but yah, so we met these two guys and they were nice enough, we exchanged numbers. i don't know if he'll call. i won't call him, thats for sure. i only got his number so it would show on my caller id, in case i didnt feel like talking to him when/if he calls. but i dont know. maybe i'll let him take me out to dinner. i am always complaining that i don't get out enough, and that its so hard to meet people, but im soo picky. the guy last night was cute. he was 26, but he was a grown up. he went to law school, and works in law. but thats ambiguous. he could be a paralegal. he didnt say he was a lawyer. but anyway, i automatically kinda dismissed him, bc he wasn't my type, but antonia invited him and his friend to go to another bar with us, and he kept talking to me, and he grew on me a bit. i was also drunk at the time. but maybe i should give him a chance if he calls.
then again, there is the other boy, my not-so-secret crush. we were at work tonight, and the restaurant was closed, and i was hugging him, then he put his arms around me from behind and i leaned back like i was falling and he didnt let me touch the ground. and i trusted that he wouldn't let me hit the ground. its kinda hard for me to trust people, and i trusted him. he told me that we had a lot in common, citing the facts that we were both off wed, thurs and fri, and that we both have tequila in our houses. he has this simple innocence about him. i dont know, then later he asked what i kim and i were doing, and i said we were going to the diner, and he was like "you guys are always eating together," so i accused him of being jealous, and he was like "i am!" he said he is going to come another night. he wants to have chesseburger deluxes. i was like "actually, kim and i will have grilled cheddar, and we'll share a mashed potatoes." but he said "no, i want to have three cheeseburger deluxes" so i had to explain that we don't eat meat.. to which he replied "oh so yr both veggies? you guys have so much in common." it was hilarious. tangent about that.. people constantly mistake kim and i for each other, they call me kim, and her gille, and we call them other bizarre people back. tonight, tessa and sean called us "the wives." they thought it was so cute that "the wives" were "closing together." thats a good joke that goes back to valentines day, when kim and i decided to be valentines bc we had no one else, so she brought me roses to work, and i got her a stuffed frog, and that made the chevy's gossip column, that we were now seeing each other.
so i dont know, men suck, but they are also good, and im really confused. i dont really want to be tied to nyc, i don't have time, i don't want to hurt anyone now or in the long run.. i cant ask the work guy out bc i'd feel bad, not knowing what i want. that would be like mind games if he really likes me. but it easier to let him make a move, and then explain that i like him, but there are all these things.. then it would be more honest. like "i want to have fun with you, but i don't know what i want." then it could be up to him. if i ask him out, then i think it looks like i'm looking for something.. and i might not be. ugh. does everyone feel like this? i mean. i'm also still hung up on my enigma. not really. but i feel like there is a decent chance that if we hung out, we might hook up, even though he's seeing if things can work with HER, and i might be seeing someone else. i don't trust myself with him. like annette in cruel intentions.
im blabbering on and on, its like 4:15am, and its really 5:15 bc of the dst. the sky is reddish right now, and i've been awake wayyyy too long. since 7. i woke up every 15 minutes from 7 till 12.. bc of the combination of antonia taking up my whole bed and me not being able to wake her despite hitting her and saying "bitch, wake up" like seven times, and the baby dancing elephants that live upstairs. there was banging all morning. i'm starting to feel really tired now that im talking about it. i can't believe it's sunday again. i feel like its always sunday, the other days all run together and on sundays i realize the magnamity of the day.. that its sunday again, and that it feels like it was sunday yesterday. every single sunday. my life is flying by this year. sometimes i feel like i'm not making the most of it. maybe i should..
anyway, until then, i will do a crossword puzzle and sleep. xo.