Tuesday, May 11, 2004
i just had the worst dream EVER. i was making dinner for my dad and some people.. i think i was making mixed vegetables and some macaroni and cheese. but it wasnt enough food and i kept screwing everything up and spilling it, and so i went in my room and had a nervous breakdown. like a serious nervous breakdown, with crazy heaving sobs. i had to get out, so i went to exchange a cd.. but then i woke up and i didnt know where i was (in the dream) i was outside but i had no idea how i got there. its like i went from being n this room, which was supposedly mine but not really, to being out. i was walking down the street along the buildings with my hood up and it looked like the village, but i couldnt remember what i wanted to do or how i got there and this huge group of kids kept pushing into me and being like "this girl is scared of a parade!!" and i had no idea what to do. i felt groggy like i had been drugged. so i looked at my phone, and i kept thinking i could call someone but i didnt.. i couldnt find my discman, though i had my headphones on so i thought i got picked while i was sleeping or something. so i thought to myself i would have to make ryan make me another kill yrself cd. and i was wandering around and i found 23rd St. so i was going to get on the train but these two great big black guys wouldnt let me go on. they were blocking the turnstile, and i asked please, so they said go in by the A. so i walked around a little till i found a set of stairs. when i got to the platform it was crowded with thug-like kids, and for some reason snoop dogg was performing on the other platform (i guess the downtown side) and there were these mesh barracades and people were fighting and i was afraid i would get shot. so i left the platform bc i couldnt discern which side was uptown and i didnt want to get more lost, so i went back up to the mezzanine or whatever. i thought i could just take a cab but i wa afriad to go back to the street, and i only had $20 on me. a cab costs less than than, but i was being frugal. i still didnt know where i was, it was like a dungeon down there and all the escalators didnt work, they were running, but they were like smooshed or something, not running straight. i cant explain it, it almost looked like they were melting, like their teeth were all garbled. so i finally ran up it, and i was on the platform but there were no signs. i figured out that i was waiting in the right place, and an E came right away. and it was dark in the car and i sat down and this man was sleeping but he had picked up his head for a minute, and this other man got on and was like "thats his pillow" which was a jacket on the other side of me. so i was going to stand up and the sleeping guy put his head on me and i was like NOO so i got up and the other man was like "where are you coming from?" and sleeping guy was like, all mad, "work" so he moved his pillow and people sat down and these two like 55 or 60 year old ladies were getting it on right next to me. and magically then i had my bag, with my discman in it but i was afriad to use it. then all the sudden i wasnt on the subway, well, i kinda was, but it was the rollar coaster at new york new york in vegas and i was not fastened in properly, i kept thinking i was going to lose my phone and my bag bc my pockets were open and my ears were popping bc we were climbing the huge steep first hill of the rollar coaster and i guess i was like "i wont lose anything if i dont think i will.." so we bypassed 50th St (i have NO IDEA what happened to 34th and 42nd, or 7th ave for that matter, cos all the sudden we were at 53rd/5th), and i was happy that we'd skipped so many stations, but then it turned around and went backwards. and it was still the rollar coaster but still the subway at the same time. then i was on the train normally, and i ran into shasta. i didnt know where i was, the train was above ground but still in the city, not in any of the borroughs. so shasta said that we were on the E train and we were almost at 42nd st, and that didnt i remember that the subway goes above ground on the west side? so she asked me if i wanted to go someplace with "them" (who, i do not know, since i only saw shasta) and i said i just wanted to get home.. thats when i woke up and i was tossing violently. i think i might have been yelling in my sleep. especially during that breakdown scene at the beginning of the dream i FELT myself howling tears.. i woke up all sweaty and scared and in my dream i felt so scared and helpless like it was all caving in and there was nothing i could do to get home and all the people were really scary.. no one would help me. i think i was pressing my hands over my eyes in my sleep cos the skin around my eyes hurts a lot.
i just told the enigma about the dream. pretty much the gist of it without all those details (i used the IM as the frame and then filled in all the crap i left out) and he said..
enigma: yikes.. I'm sorry
enigma: but you're ok now so you should smile. it was only a dream
he then suggested that i stop watching scary movies, but the last one i watched was wrong turn with him like months ago.. it was still winter, and my away message of choice was "kiss me once in the snow i swear it never gets old" bc he picked me up to drive me to work that week and kissed me in the snow... so it was like february or some crap like that. so he reminded me that eliza dushku is hot, and i said "i know." and then i said that i was bummed cos id planned to sleep till 8...
enigma: count sheep
gille: no way and risk going back into nyc hell dream?
so i told him i would let him get back to his tour planning, which is what he is doing when he is on AIM, and ...
gille: hope you have a good night :)
enigma: hope you have a wonderful night
*sigh*
he was kinda laughing at me when i was telling him about it. i was really distressed. he cannot understand bc he didnt have that awful awful awful dream. but at least he was supportive. i cannot understand it. i think i was making dinner for my aunt paula, who was here last week, and my cousins. but my cousins were little (they are both grown, like 22 and 20 or something close to that) and their father was this bald fat man, and my uncle anthony is very skinny and he has a fro. the heaving sobs felt so real, i swear i was actually heaving in my sleep i dont think i actually was crying, but i was def heaving and i def felt like it was soooo real that i was lost and.. i dont know. i couldnt tell reality from a dream until like halfway through when i realized that i wouldnt lose anything on this rollar coaster if i didnt think i would. and that i could will it back into being the subway and i could will myself awake.
i think this dream meant one of two things.. or both.
(a) it meant that i have to get out of this mean, horrible city where people dont help each other and its dangerous and violent and unhappy.
(b) it was karma repaying me for a terribly racist thought i had earlier, since all of the bad people in my dream were black. the thought/statement i made to ryan and kim earlier was that i dont understand why big fat black women felt that they have a god-given right to a seat on the subway. and really, i thought about this statement, and i determined that in fact, it is NOT racist. its a scientific fact based on six years of riding the NYC subway. you want specific examples? ok, like 3 years ago this HUGE black lady got on the train and asked antonia to get up so she could sit. then she put all her bags on the seat that antonia had been sitting on. she didnt even NEED the seat. then today.. i got on the uptown E at 42nd st and there was a little space on the bench. i am little. i fit in it perfectly. it was perhaps like.. 10 inches or a foot wide. i am bad at gauging distance. anyway i sat there kinda perched on the edge of the seat bc i didnt wanna push back and put my hips in there and make everyone uncomfortable. i was reading my book and minding my own business. then the woman beside me to the left (who was of average size) got up and i slid over to the edge. and this fat black woman looks down at the space i left (which was NOT very big, no more than a foot wide or so).. and i saw her eye it and i was like "no way is she going to fit!" ... and she decides to sit (!!!!!!!!!) first of all, she was sitting ON my thigh. i was like "ow" and she was like "sorry" and i was like "yr sitting ON me" and she didnt say anything, so i moved over as far as i could (which wasnt far considering i had pushed over to the bar when the average size woman got up) and i was SMOOOOSHED seriously i couldnt even hold my book my shoulders were all pressed in and so i looked at her with a glare and i GOT UP. i shook my head in disgust. she looked aloof and let her fat spread out and there were no more than 5 inches left where i was sitting. that cunt.
anyway. thats what i figure. either a sign that is telling me to get out, or karma making me a jerk for not extending that to all fat women. but i have never had a problem with big fat WHITE ladies. or HISPANIC ladies. and i have never even seen a big fat asian lady in my 24 years. i dont think they exist. well ok, sometimes the big fat hispanic ladies try to manuever into a small space, but EVERY SINGLE TIME i notice a big fat black lady eyeing a seat, it is wayyyy too small and they undoubtedly sit anyway. forcing someone (like me) to get up. so clearly that is not a racist remark, but rather an edcated observation. so fuck you karma.
its a little bit warm in here. when candace gets home soon, she is going to want to bring out her fan. which will in turn make me cold. right now i am comfortable. its prob like 72 degrees in here, and im not sweaty. im wearing shorts and a tank top, and i feel like this is a good temperature. theres a slight chill. my skin feels a little cold to the touch.. but candace always feels like its perfect when i am cold, so.. this will suck bc i will have to endure the fan blowing my hair (which i HATE) and i will have to get a sweater and be too hot. ugh.
i called derek at 5. i called sneaky like, and just left a voicemail saying he had said on fri that i should call him tues to get some drinks.. and that he should call me back. he hasnt. i was thinking maybe he will wait until later, when its more closer to the time i said i would go (which is 11, since law and order is on after one tree hill).. it would be nice of him to call me soon, esp if he isnt going, since i could potentially make other plans. which i wont. but HE doesnt know that.
ok thats enough from me. i am going to turn on the tv and perhaps make some dinner. i do not know what i want. im feeling cream cheese and jelly though.. hmm. i also kinda want soup (which i think is a leftover hankering from last week), but i realize its too hot for soup today. all i have is bread, cheese, cream cheese, jelly, and mac and cheese. so. we shall see.....
i just told the enigma about the dream. pretty much the gist of it without all those details (i used the IM as the frame and then filled in all the crap i left out) and he said..
enigma: yikes.. I'm sorry
enigma: but you're ok now so you should smile. it was only a dream
he then suggested that i stop watching scary movies, but the last one i watched was wrong turn with him like months ago.. it was still winter, and my away message of choice was "kiss me once in the snow i swear it never gets old" bc he picked me up to drive me to work that week and kissed me in the snow... so it was like february or some crap like that. so he reminded me that eliza dushku is hot, and i said "i know." and then i said that i was bummed cos id planned to sleep till 8...
enigma: count sheep
gille: no way and risk going back into nyc hell dream?
so i told him i would let him get back to his tour planning, which is what he is doing when he is on AIM, and ...
gille: hope you have a good night :)
enigma: hope you have a wonderful night
*sigh*
he was kinda laughing at me when i was telling him about it. i was really distressed. he cannot understand bc he didnt have that awful awful awful dream. but at least he was supportive. i cannot understand it. i think i was making dinner for my aunt paula, who was here last week, and my cousins. but my cousins were little (they are both grown, like 22 and 20 or something close to that) and their father was this bald fat man, and my uncle anthony is very skinny and he has a fro. the heaving sobs felt so real, i swear i was actually heaving in my sleep i dont think i actually was crying, but i was def heaving and i def felt like it was soooo real that i was lost and.. i dont know. i couldnt tell reality from a dream until like halfway through when i realized that i wouldnt lose anything on this rollar coaster if i didnt think i would. and that i could will it back into being the subway and i could will myself awake.
i think this dream meant one of two things.. or both.
(a) it meant that i have to get out of this mean, horrible city where people dont help each other and its dangerous and violent and unhappy.
(b) it was karma repaying me for a terribly racist thought i had earlier, since all of the bad people in my dream were black. the thought/statement i made to ryan and kim earlier was that i dont understand why big fat black women felt that they have a god-given right to a seat on the subway. and really, i thought about this statement, and i determined that in fact, it is NOT racist. its a scientific fact based on six years of riding the NYC subway. you want specific examples? ok, like 3 years ago this HUGE black lady got on the train and asked antonia to get up so she could sit. then she put all her bags on the seat that antonia had been sitting on. she didnt even NEED the seat. then today.. i got on the uptown E at 42nd st and there was a little space on the bench. i am little. i fit in it perfectly. it was perhaps like.. 10 inches or a foot wide. i am bad at gauging distance. anyway i sat there kinda perched on the edge of the seat bc i didnt wanna push back and put my hips in there and make everyone uncomfortable. i was reading my book and minding my own business. then the woman beside me to the left (who was of average size) got up and i slid over to the edge. and this fat black woman looks down at the space i left (which was NOT very big, no more than a foot wide or so).. and i saw her eye it and i was like "no way is she going to fit!" ... and she decides to sit (!!!!!!!!!) first of all, she was sitting ON my thigh. i was like "ow" and she was like "sorry" and i was like "yr sitting ON me" and she didnt say anything, so i moved over as far as i could (which wasnt far considering i had pushed over to the bar when the average size woman got up) and i was SMOOOOSHED seriously i couldnt even hold my book my shoulders were all pressed in and so i looked at her with a glare and i GOT UP. i shook my head in disgust. she looked aloof and let her fat spread out and there were no more than 5 inches left where i was sitting. that cunt.
anyway. thats what i figure. either a sign that is telling me to get out, or karma making me a jerk for not extending that to all fat women. but i have never had a problem with big fat WHITE ladies. or HISPANIC ladies. and i have never even seen a big fat asian lady in my 24 years. i dont think they exist. well ok, sometimes the big fat hispanic ladies try to manuever into a small space, but EVERY SINGLE TIME i notice a big fat black lady eyeing a seat, it is wayyyy too small and they undoubtedly sit anyway. forcing someone (like me) to get up. so clearly that is not a racist remark, but rather an edcated observation. so fuck you karma.
its a little bit warm in here. when candace gets home soon, she is going to want to bring out her fan. which will in turn make me cold. right now i am comfortable. its prob like 72 degrees in here, and im not sweaty. im wearing shorts and a tank top, and i feel like this is a good temperature. theres a slight chill. my skin feels a little cold to the touch.. but candace always feels like its perfect when i am cold, so.. this will suck bc i will have to endure the fan blowing my hair (which i HATE) and i will have to get a sweater and be too hot. ugh.
i called derek at 5. i called sneaky like, and just left a voicemail saying he had said on fri that i should call him tues to get some drinks.. and that he should call me back. he hasnt. i was thinking maybe he will wait until later, when its more closer to the time i said i would go (which is 11, since law and order is on after one tree hill).. it would be nice of him to call me soon, esp if he isnt going, since i could potentially make other plans. which i wont. but HE doesnt know that.
ok thats enough from me. i am going to turn on the tv and perhaps make some dinner. i do not know what i want. im feeling cream cheese and jelly though.. hmm. i also kinda want soup (which i think is a leftover hankering from last week), but i realize its too hot for soup today. all i have is bread, cheese, cream cheese, jelly, and mac and cheese. so. we shall see.....
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